Missed some prime blogging time this weekend so I could sit and play a video game. Shad has me hooked on another one. This time it is bad, I played for hours, and then had dreams of dragons and goblins. Time for a break I would say.

I am on a mission of health awareness. Had my first week of success, and I am starting off my second good as well. I actually made some awesome veggie soup. Yes, I cooked! Home made and everything. As a matter of fact, I have made breakfast, lunch and dinner every night for the last seven days. They say it takes 21 days of doing the same thing to make it a habit. Lets see if I last.

Movie night is set for October 2, Saturday at 7pm. The movie will be announced in a day or two.
For directions and info, just give us a call! Or email us. Or, we will email you!

The weather is awesome today!! Hurry, go outside!!!!

Life is changing and I am not in control.

What an awesome little thing it is to sit around all day and pat yourself on the back for useless things you have done for no other reason but to satisfy your own needs. We are a sad bunch.

I am in a strange place these days. Not sure how to explain it or if I even want to. I am changing in all areas of my life. I feel it is mostly for the good, yet that really isn't a fair assumption now is it? Perhaps it is the weather, or that I am growing another number older next month. I just feel different these days. Bolder, less vulnerable. I feel it is a good thing except for the problem of letting things fly before thinking some times. I will try to work on that. Maybe.

Here comes Fall, are you ready? Because if you blink, you'll miss it.

Have you ever....

I was thinking about church and I really don't know what the hell I am talking about but I feel like so many of the people who go to churches like Canyon Ridge are so fake. They smile at me in a fake way, they talk to me in a fake way, they have silly (in my opinion) rules and regulations. They judge just as much as the next person. What makes a person so much more special than the next? THEY AREN'T! We all suck the same, so why is it so hard for some of us to admit that?

Like I said, I suck and don't know what in the hell I am talking about, I'm just letting stuff fly out of my mouth like usual. If you take offense, oh well. You will get over it. Or maybe not.

Have you ever had a day when you just wanted to say what ever you really felt, and then did? Good. Do it again!

Wow

Sometimes, I scare me.

There are a lot of crazy things going on all around me. I feel good with it all though. I seem to be doing better with picking out the healthiest place for me to be in each situation. That is kind of cool. I am super thankful to God for that.

Some times I wonder just what it is I am supposed to be doing in my life, and then I am reminded that God has me right where He wants me.

However,

There are a lot of things I am not doing that God probably wants for me, so I better get my groove on because I could be running out of time. We only get so much of it, and we better use it for Him while we can.

It was great to see Alicia at the big church on Wednesday night. I miss her a lot. Know you are loved!!

Anyone interested in a movie night?

Dreaming again

We were at the home of some of Shad's old friends who we don't associate with anymore. They were installing carpet, and then we all sat down at a table and prayed together.

Dreams can be cool. But they are just dreams.

We have a full day, and I am in the middle of learning how to schedule my life so that I am more productive. What am I going to do without my Carder family for the next few years? They are my inspiration! They totally rock and it is going to suck with them so far away.

Time to drag Hailey out of bed.

Drama

Filled with a yearning to love, I thought the truth would heal. I was wrong. It hurt, and hurt bad. But that's the thing about truth, it can feel like a punch in the gut, taking all of the air out of you leaving you gasping for air. I have felt it many times. Watching someone else feel it is difficult.

I have no regrets about my actions. I prayed and prayed and then I let it go. Things are changing, just like I felt would happen back in India, and it's not over either. It is just beginning.

Damn!!!

Went to the Dam yesterday. Damn it's big! Actually, we paid ten bucks each just to watch a movie and go into an elevator so we could walk down a long tunnel to see some of the huge generators and then you go back out and get to walk around an observation deck. Oh, and they have an exhibit you get to wander through. My personal thought was that we were totally ripped off, however, it was an awesome school day with the girls. I have been down in the damn thing before and it was a way better tour back then, but we still had a good time.

Today is mom intervention day. My brother called a family meeting which will only consist of the three of us. Our plan of attack is to get her into a room with us and confront her about money and taking care of herself (which she doesn't do) and to offer a solution. I am just a supporter of the cause, my brother seems to have figured out the solution. We shall see. It should be interesting.

My mother gave me some china that her brother gave to her from when he was in one of the wars. I didn't want it, only because I don't see the need to show off a bunch of dishes you never use and that you have to clean all of the time. My cousin's wife called this weekend and wants me to give them the china because it was, in her words, supposed to go to them as it was my uncle who bought it and my cousin who should inherit it. I am not attached to it, yet some part of me is hesitant to let it go. Perhaps that is the reason I should give it to them. You just can't hold on to THINGS like that. Shad says I should tell her no. What a silly thing to stress over.

My family is awesome. Happy Labor Day.

Some of the things I love...

Rain
Candles
music
laughter
clouds
(I am assuming you already know I love my family and friends)
puppies
ice cream
video games (I know, I say I am against them, but deep inside, when I start playing I can't stop)
roses
The Jaguars Baby!!!!!
sunsets
sand and the ocean
chimes
Nascar races
camping trips
pictures
incense
journaling
taking long trips in a car
playing with clay
hot chocolate
Yes, God first and most of all.
BBQ's
reading a good book
painting
and yes, this list could go on, but I can't.

Happy Friday

Me

I tend to try to be funny when I am nervous. Especially if there is a threat of conflict in the air. Humor relieves the pain at times. I feel I take life too seriously some days and thus try to do things that make me happy instead of the things I know will stress me out. I suck at follow through and hate that I suck at follow through so I constantly do things that would call for major follow through just to set myself up to fail and not follow through and then dwell on the fact that I suck at it. Most days I feel as though I am a huge failure at everything I do, yet I am aware that we all suck so what is the big deal? I want to have a lot of friends that are close and who feel comfortable enough to just drop in at any time, but am afraid of being that close with people and I suck at keeping in touch with the friends I do have. Some times I dream of taking a long drive out of town and just never stopping. Just taking the road as far as it will take me and see where I end up. I take tons of pictures of everything because my grandma had Alztimers ( I suck at spelling as well) and I fear that one day I will forget all of the good memories I have ever had. Some days, I trick myself into thinking I am in control, and then WHAM!!! I am fat and hate being that way but I feel safe this way. I want to be some kind of an artist but know I suck at drawing and painting and don't care to go to school to learn. I love God and am thankful that He loves me back because it is really hard for me to love me most days.

This is a glimpse of me.

Hey

Saw this poem on the homeschooling group message board, thought I would share.

Today, I didn't say the right things
I didn't give enough hugs
I didn't listen to all of their imaginary stories.

Today my prayers were too short and
my lectures too long.
My smiles, I'm sure didn't hide my fatigue.

Today I didn't heal any wounds;
in fact, I'm sure I caused some.
Their tears fell and I felt too
lifeless to wipe them away.

But as I kneel in prayer to confess my failures, I am reminded......
I am not their hope.
I am not their joy.
I am not their salvation.
He is!
And they are His children even more than they are mine.

I am reminded...
He always listens,
always guides,
always touches,
and always loves perfectly.

I can rest now, Lord,
remembering that I am not alone.

-wendy c. brewer

Life

I fell asleep watching the weather channel last night. How I got to that point, I really don't know but I usually can't sleep unless the TV is off.

I get to see my Jags in October!! My dad is getting me tickets to the game in San Diego for my birthday! I am very excited because everyone is always making fun of my team, but they are going to kick butt this year. In my world, they are going to the Super Bowl!!!!!

My girls are playing school right now. I just love when they do that. Usually Hialey is the teacher and she teaches MacKenzie something new every time.

Savers is having a 50% off sale on Monday the 6th. Just thought I would pass the word.

Happy Wednesday

No TV for three days!!!!!!

The cat is away so the mice are playing. I get three days and two nights of television free bliss.

I have listened to my first CD of the night and it feels so very good. I miss listening to music. There is just something about turning on one of your favorite songs really loud and sharing it with the neighbors while dancing around like a crazy person. My kids love it too.

We were tagged for wasting water today. Our neighbor has a broken sprinkler that floods our yard in the morning and we get the warning. Funny how that works. Oh, well. I will just turn ours off and see what happens next.

Shad has talked of a possible move again. I find it funny how unsettled he can be sometimes. Anyway, I was thinking a lot about it and it would be nice to move to a place where we know no one and could perhaps start something. Not mischief, but like a house gathering of some sort. I miss having everyone over like we used to.

Tomorrow I have a meeting, and then it is off to the stuffed animal hospital to get Fluffy and Honey fixed up. They seem to be coming apart from the seams. Hailey is distraught about the whole thing, but I re-assured her that it would be alright. There are some really good stuffed animal doctors out there. Right? I mean, because I can't sew a thing!

Dream time

It is morning time! Are you awake?

I had a dream about traveling on a long and winding road in a very fast car with a bunch of others and we were on some kind of mission. But we were attacked and the road broke into pieces and we ended up crashing in the ocean. We were taken aboard a ship of some kind and we thought we were safe, but a group came in and they were shocking us all with these shocker wands to knock us out. Many of us were hit, and I thought we were toast, but we all survived.
We regrouped and decided to branch off and try to find a way to complete our mission.

I have weird dreams.

So my fist "mission" this morning was the dog poop in the back yard. I have accomplished at least that much today. Next, this blog. Man, I am just on a roll!

We are going to the meadow today. Hope to see you there as I am sure it will be an awesome time to fellowship. (that is a churchy term for hanging out with family and friends)
See you there?

Who? Me?

Yes I am still painting, but lets talk about something else.

I was thinking about this famous guy who studied black holes. He spent most of his life doing nothing because he was so smart that everything bored him. And then after being diagnosed with a disease that will eventually kill him, he decided to start studying black holes? I am so lost with all of that. To be so intelligent and to spend your life working on numbers. I would totally try to use all of my intelligence working on a cure for something. Or on trying to better the world in some way. I know, make lots of money and buy a huge amount of property and create my own commune where people could live for free and plant and harvest their food, and kids could run amuck with no shoes and there were no TV's and everyone could play music and sing and dance and worship. Okay, I think I was born in the wrong year, or growing up in the 70's took its toll on my brain.

Dave said some heavy stuff the other night and it has my head spinning. What he said wasn't all that complicated, but very honest and kind of like a kick in the gut but in a nice way.

I am sorry we missed out on the beach time. I really love it there, but funds were low. We had a good weekend anyway and actually spent time together with no children. We really needed that.

Home schooling is going great so far. I started two weeks early with the girls so we could take more time off during the holidays. We are finally getting on a better schedule that accommodates all of what needs to be done during the day. I found this cool site on the web that gave me lots of info that has helped in that department of my life. I am taking one day at a time with all of the organizing and such.

Sometimes I wish I had something awe inspiring and super intelligent to say.

Confession time

Hello, my name is Sherry and I am addicted to(deep breath) painting. I believe my obsession started at the early age of three when I was given a ceramic raggity Andy to paint. Next thing I new I was painting my closet doors with out permission, and then I moved on to heaver stuff.

Now, I can't seem to stop painting my house. I thought my obsession was slowing down, but it is getting worse. I have blue, red and brown in my house now. I can't stop. Some one, please help me.


Okay, I probably would make a horrible actress, but who cares. I really have an issue with painting. I have started it up again and I am sure I am making Shad crazy with it all. Oh well, I guess there are worse things I could be obsessed with.

Last journal entry of India

So, here it is,





Wednesday---I am so excited to go home to my family. My nose is sore this morning and so I keep messing with it. I really don't want to get it infected so I keep putting antibiotic ointment on it.

It is quiet this morning in our room. The air conditioner is drowning out the sounds behind the thin walls around us. Outside there is a Muslim priest preaching over the loud speaker. They do this three or four times a day here. Sometimes I wish I knew what they were saying. Other times, I am afraid of what they might be saying.

I am anxious to get this day going. I really just want to be on the plane already going home. I have decided that if I can't travel with Shad and the girls together, I don't travel. It is so hard and I miss them so much. Some nights I forget I am gone and wake up remembering I am in India. Bumber. Not totally, I mean, I feel blessed to have traveled here, I just really miss my family.

Susie seems a bit grouchy. She has been so awesome this whole trip, I feel that she is just very upset to be leaving. I pray that her next trip will be a longer one.

I miss my kids crawling on my asking for Coco Puffs. I miss Shad's sarcasm, Gram's phone calls, Toni's sarcasm, Jim's jokes, Shannon's love, Rob's silliness, JR's arrogance, Shonna's smile, the children's laughter, among other things. Perhaps my greatest lesson is love and compassion for all people this trip. Patience and kindness, and understanding as well.

Family is everywhere, and I mean just that. I hope my children learn that. I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better sister in Christ. God is helping me do this. Only God.

I pray for a fun, but swift last day in India for all of us. Fun, swift, and very safe.

Thank you!





------I never had time to write anything else about our trip, so if you are wanting to know more, just ask. I am here. Thanks for reading. Love you all.

Went to a court hearing for a young girl today. I was amazed by the amount of people there, all for similar issues. How sad to see so many lost souls. It lasted a whole ten minutes(her court case) and in the end, I feel more than confident that we are to offer our home and love, and leave it up to God.

I have grown more in these last few days than in the last year I think. Funny how that works right?

I read Joe's blog and he just is such an awesome example of God's love. He and Debb are constant inspiration for us. We love you.

On another note, I am due to write the last of my journal from India, but I will have to make you wait until tonight. Sorry.

House church has been awesome. Thanks Gregg! And can you believe the stuff that floods out of Zack's mind these day!?! Very cool!

Happiness and safety to all of those going to California this weekend. Sorry we won't be able to make it. Love you all!

I finally found a nose ring that doesn't hurt to wear!

I guess I should write the last of my journal entries from India.



Monday-9:30 am India

We all spoke at Devotions today. The girls were awesome to listen to. They really have gotten so much out of this trip. Susie is ready to come back and we haven't even left yet. She loves these people so very much.

I am very excited to be going home. I love it here, but home is where my heart is and I am ready. I feel much better today which is good. Everyone else is as well I think. I just realized that Hailey's birthday is right when I get back. I will have to plan a special day for her.

I feel as though there will be a lot of change awaiting me when I get home, all of which is in God's control.

It is almost time to shower, then have lunch, then have henna done, and it is off to the train. The girls still have one last game as well.



Tuesday- 9PM Delhi

We left Damoh at 6:30 and our train was late, so we sat in our cars while we waited for it to arrive because if we were to get out, we would have created a huge crowd, and it wouldn't have been safe. There were all kinds of people staring at us anyway. This child kept knocking on the window to get our attention in an attempt to beg for money. Those moments are always so hard to deal with. I just wanted to reach out and help, but knew I couldn't.

While in the cars, we were guarded by about thirty men from the mission. Crazy. Then when the train came, we were ushered to the section we were to get on and put into first class sleeper cars again. We passed so many people just laying on the ground as though they just live right there at the station.

Our trip was 13 hours and I had to use the squattie many times which sucked. Most of us slept well though. We awoke about an hour out from our destination. We sat and watched out the window as naked children living in trash went by, as well as people living in mud huts, or just right out in the open air. Cows and pigs roamed around, people bathing or quatting. Maxin told us that there are around 60 million people just in Delhi alone! Less then half are middle class.

We all seemed comfortable with walking from the train to our awaiting SUV to take us here to the Y. Funny that we became so comfortable in Damoh, and yet so many people keep staring and gauking at us. I guess we could never really blend in.

We had time to freshen up a bit and then it was off to shop. First we went to "Central Cottage Industries Emporium" which is a huge mall type of place where you pick what you want, get a receipt, then they take the items down stairs to package for you. When you are all done shopping, you go down to pay at one place, and then just go with your receipts and pick up all of your stuff. It is a very cool system I think.

For lunch we ate at McDonald's! Sad isn't it? The place was packed with people, and we ate chicken burgers with cheese. I didn't feel so well after that but we came here to rest and I started to feel better after a while.

After our rest we went to a place called Delhi Haaut and it was fricken HOT there! It is an outdoor mall, and full of little places to shop. We tried and tried to spend our money, but couldn't seem to spend it all. Then I told Maxin that I wanted to get my nose pierced. He looked at me in surprise and said"You really want to get your nose drilled?" I told him not if they really use a drill!

He took us through some narrow streets to a jewelry shop where I bought a nose ring. Then I was told that the owner didn't do piercings, so we went on through some more of the narrow streets and approached this man standing on the corner with a brief case. He whipped out a piercing gun, marked my nose with a pen, and Bing, bang, boom it was done! I've been drilled!!!

It was sore for a while, but feels good now. I have been putting some antibiotic ointment on it to make sure I don't ge infected. Let pray about that shall we?

After that we went off to dinner. It was the best Chinese food I have ever had! Then, the girls mentioned that they were out of disposable cameras and wondered if there was a place to get one. Shireesh went to get them one, but returned and said that there was a camera shop around the corner that we could go to after we were done. After dinner, and ice cream at 31 flavors!, we went to the camera shop only to realize that the owner had closed about an hour prior and waited for us to get there so he could open up just for us! Then the girls ended up buying cameras they could keep for about $10!!! They were in shock that the place opened just for them. We all were. Then we realized that our driver had been with us all day and never left our car!

I feel so very blessed to have had all of these experiences. Did I mention that I saw one man getting a hair cut right on the street, and another getting a shave? Crazy!

Tomorrow is sight seeing day, and then off to the plane. I am excited to see my family and share the blessing I have been given.


---Well, that is it for today. I have one last entry to write, but will save it for tomorrow. Right now I must get to work. I hope you have enjoyed this. I love that I can read all of this and be brought right back to the moment. India is really a mystical place. God is so evident there. I want to love people like they loved us.

Parents, can't live with them, can't live without them.

I give it all up to the big man upstairs.

So I feel as though my mother is being her usual manipulating self as her room mate called me today to ask me if I could borrow money from my church to loan them, and then she would pay them back when she gets her check next week.

My first thought is to go over there and confront them all about all of the crap. My next thought is, how is that going to change anything? I know it won't, so then what? Do I do nothing? Perhaps I need to reflect on this a bit more.

I am going to pray about it all.

Care to join me?

Howdy!

so, here is my next journal entry:

Sunday 6:30AM India

We are about to go to church but first we have to have Grandma Pushpa dress us. How funny is that? I feel beat up after yesterday's ride.


Okay, I am very sick. I admit it, and God is in control. We got dressed with Pushpa's help and then went to the church where they have Sunday school. I started to feel real bad, but made it through, and then we went to a Sunday School class to read The Giving Tree to the kids. I began to feel very hot and, well, just crappy and sick. I made it through the story, then had to come back to lay down. I slept, then ran to the bathroom, then had to take Advil for a fever. Top it all off with a head and chest cold and you can just imagine how I feel.

I just went to lunch, and there were a ton of people there to celebrate Shiney's birthday, so I had to leave. I just felt overwhelmed with sadness and a longing for my family.

Last night we all had a serious talk with the girls about being more respectful with one another. They felt that we were ganging up on them and started on the attack. I believe they were making it out to be more than it was, but then they began to accuse Kellinee of being manipulative, and of course Kellinee took offense. In the end, I believe the conversation ended on a positive note.

All in all, we have all had a life changing, and wonderful time here, but I must confess, I am ready to go home. I miss my family very much and long to hold them again. Tomorrow will be hard. A 12 hour train ride, then we spend the day and night, and then day again in Delhi. After all of that, it is a trip to the airport where we fly for what will seem like forever to get to Taiwan, then L.A. and then home.

I have learned so much on this trip. The biggest lesson is on how to love people better. I am not sure if I could come back here any time soon, but I am definitely in to help raise money for the next trip. Susie is so love here, and she really has been a blessing on so many people.

Sunday, very late night, I feel like crap, my body hurts, and I can't stop running to the bathroom. However, God is so good to me. We should always give thanks to God, even in times of sickness and sorrow. I pray for a good nights sleep and a blessed journey home.

--Well, I will try to do more tomorrow. I have to go watch my Jags!!!

Help!

Sorry, but I have to take a moment away from my India trip to process some stuff in my life.

My mother is irresponsible and doesn't take care of herself at all, and now is in a bad place financially, and emotionally. She has used up her safety net and is in a position where she is in need of not just money, but a place to live.

You have to understand, I don't have the greatest relationship with my mother as she is a manipulator and thrives on drama. She has done some very wrong things to me in the past, however she is still my mom and I love her. I just don't like her very much.

Why is it that children end up having to take care of their parents even if the parents did a crappy job of raising their children? Sorry, I just have issues with my family. They all need prayer, and I should be the first to pray.

Just had to get that out. I will type in the journal entry tomorrow.

Hi

Time for a quick journal update, then off to work.



Saturday-8:30am India

We will be going to the jungle today. Not to run around in it, but driving through it. We get to stop some place to have lunch as well. I am excited and hope to see monkeys. I wonder if we will see any elephants?

Kellinee and I are both very sick now, and Susie sounds like she is the next victim. Amanda however is doing better thank goodness. The girls are at the school right at this moment playing basketball. They really love this.

This trip has really changed me, and continues to do so every day. I think I want to start praying with Shad every night. I will have to start it, but know it would do a world of good for us. We should pray with the girls as well. I really don't want to forget this place, or anything I have learned here. I pray that I am strong enough to withstand the evils of home. God is really working on my heart here. And these children, they are so full of beauty and longing to be loved.


Just got back from the jungle and it was so awesome! There were so many breath taking views! We were able to stop by an animal preservation building and we went to the roof to take pictures. Incredible! We saw monkeys with babies hanging form their bellies walking around. I tried to get a good picture, but we went to fast. We couldn't stop long because they were coming to the car and we were afraid they would try to get in. The roads are horrible, the worst we have seen yet, and my butt agrees, but the views were just astonishing. We saw a 400 year old fort, and a waterfall.

On our way out of the jungle, David took a road that he has not taken Americans on before, and we ended up smack in the middle of a village that has probably never seen a car, or an American. The road became to narrow and we had to back up and go another way, and the people of the village were staring in amazement just like we were. I stuck my hand out and was snapping pictures like a crazy person because I wanted to remember this moment. It was like watching a movie, only realizing you are in it. Crazy!!!!

Tomorrow we will wear our new sarees to church and do some fun things with the children in the Sunday school class. I have also decided to get my nose pierced at some point. My family will freak out. I am excited about it though. On Monday, we get to go to the school for the last time which will be sad, and then we get to have henna done before we leave for our 13hour train ride. That train ride is going to suck, but at least we will get to lay down and have cool air. It just sucks being stared at, and don't even get me started about the squattie!

I am very excited to see my family and to give them hugs and kisses. I am also looking forward to seeing the girls reunited with their families as well. A small, but much needed moment of affection for all.


---short but sweet. See you later!

Sunday

So another day of work and cleaning. My house is a mess all of the time. I really need to work harder on that. Ready for another look into India? Let's go....


Friday- ?

Amanda is still sick today. She threw up yesterday and still played ball. These girls have been so willing to try and do anything. I am still sick, Kellinee is now sick and her rash is back. I can't imagine how miserable she must feel yet she is still not complaining and moves right through the day as though she is perfectly fine. I have a cold or pneumonia, I can't tell which. Oh well, I can say I got sick in India. Cool.

We went to the village today and were greeted by many children and other villagers. We were again draped in flowers, and the children of the village sang some songs for us. The head of the village also sang for us. The mission encourages the village to sing in their traditional ways, and it was incredible to be standing there realizing that we were really there listening to this. It is like we are watching National geographic, but from a live perspective.

After we were done there, we were able to walk down the road to a house and were also able to go inside to see the way they live. The whole house was one room, about the size of my bathroom. I think there were four or five people living in there. One room. Next door they are building a new home. It will have three rooms, and a courtyard where they can keep their cows and chickens. They have been building on it for a year now, and it is far from done. Across the way, the well sits which is where they go to get their water three times a day. The water they drink, cook with and shower in, if you can call it that.

The girls and Susie had to leave because they had to get back and play ball, but Kellinee and I got to stay for a little while longer. We went back to the school in the village and got to hand out bibles that were translated in Hindi to some of the children there who had excelled in their studies. They were so excited to receive their gift. After we took more pictures, it was time to leave. I wish we could have stayed longer. I feel truly blessed to have been able to share in this experience today.

The roads here are horrible. Pot hole after pot hole while dodging dogs, cows, cars and people. Crazy. When we got back, I sat with Amanda for a while. She stayed behind to rest because she is not doing too well. She was going to go, but Susie had to throw down the law. She is trying to be so strong, but is going through some major crap at home. Pray, pray, pray.

Next, it was off to see the first graders and to do a lesson. They were so cute! None of them spoke English well at all, but that didn't seem to matter.

I learned from Sheela that Hindi women usually get their noses pierced early in age so that when they get married (at around 13 sometimes!) they can wear a rather large ring in their noses. Also, wearing a toe ring shows that they are married. Funny, because that explains why Kellinee keeps getting asked if she is married. Married women also wear black and gold beads sometimes to show that they are married. Men however do nothing. No ring, no nothing. I have also learned that most Indian food is fried, people eat with their hands, women cover their heads while in prayer, and singing in Hindi is WAY different but fascinating!

Oh, there was this woman in the village who takes care of 60 children while the parents go work in the fields. Usually the mothers of small children would wrap their small children up in their saries and basically wear them while they work. There are rice patties all over the country side. We passed many graves and places of worship as well on the drive. An ox cart is the main mode of transportation in the village. It is also a place Gandhi visited often. What an awesome thing to get to see.

It is evening now, and we all seem to be dragging a bit. The day was long and everyone seems home sick. I know I am. I miss my girls and Shad very much. Sheeba too. I miss sleeping in my bed, with a pillow thicker than two inches. I miss taking a shower, the dry heat, milk, the smell of clean laundry, my girls waking me up, Shad's laughter, ice cream, cold water, being able to brush my teeth with sink water, just to name a few. But I am very glad I made this journey here to meet with David, Sheela and their children. The people here are wonderful and totally live for the Lord every moment of every day. They are such awesome demonstrations of how to truly live your life for God and His work. I feel compelled to write about everything so that I may share it with everyone I know. I feel so much like I can do anything as long as it is for God.


--At this point in the journal, I drew a picture, but will keep it to myself. I hope you have enjoyed my journal from India, and that you will come back tomorrow for another glimpse of just some of the many wonderful, incredible, and amazing things I was fortunate enough to experience. If you want, I have pictures as well. Yep, like 978 of them.Till next time, stay healthy, happy and safe.

Happy Saturday!

Well, I thought I would make a change in color. Blue is my favorite you know. Ready for the next portion of my journal from India? Me too.



Thursday, July 22nd? 7AM India, 7:30PM home.

Kell and I are about to embark on an adventure in learning and teaching with a first grade class in India. We only get 30min but I am super excited. All of the children wear uniforms here. School here is just so very different.

I have to use a bucket to shower, sleep in a mosquito net and sandals are the preferred shoe. I lather myself in Deet every morning noon and night to keep away the blood suckers. Hope I don't grow a third arm. In the middle of chaos, there are so many beautiful things here. Beautiful faces, fabrics, carvings. Every time we are greeted for the first time we are draped in flowers and beads. People stare at us all of the time. I guess the super white chicks will always stand out here. While in the shop looking at fabrics, there were about 50 people gathered outside watching us. The store keeper had to go out and run them off. That was just weird. It made me feel kind of bad as they are just as curious about us as we are about them.

People sleep in the dirt, or tent, or hut or what ever they have. Children wonder the streets alone, dirty and looking hungry. Some beg in the streets as a profession. I am told that certain bosses will take women with small children, hook them (the child) on heroin or some other drug so that they will be crying or whinny all of the time to help in the " feel sorry for me" process while the parent begs for money. Certain bosses are in control of certain areas and people. So many people with no concept of a better life. Yet God is working everywhere I look. You see women in beautifully colored fabrics in the fields working. Ox drawn carts, and people carrying things on their heads. Sights I would think of in my mind when reading the Bible. Amazing.


It is bed time again. I stayed out of the sun during the second session of basket ball today. It was a good thing as I am feeling better. The heat just makes you feel so run down. I should be drinking more water. We leave here in four days. Too soon.

Tomorrow we get to go to a village, and one of the villagers will allow us to go into their home to see how they live. Then we might get to see a Hini temple. I am a bit nervous about tomorrow because we were told that we could only stay for about an hour for security reasons. I hope to get many pictures while we are there. I hear thunder, so I am sure it will rain tonight. God really is the same everywhere.

--Well, I guess that was full of interesting facts. I really had a blessed time there and felt blessed to see God in so many people, places and things. Till tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

Ready?

So time for another glimpse into my warped mind while in India. Oh, you know you like it.



Wednesday, this time I am sure.
Sitting here this morning I am overwhelmed with the feeling of God's presence here. I think of all I have witnessed, and He is so evident. What makes home so different? Why can't I see God like this at home? Perhaps it is all of the STUFF we think we need but don't, and perhaps we let ourselves get consumed by it. Obviously. I am learning to love my family better. I don't want to let go of the lessons I am receiving here. I pray that all I learn and experience will stay with me always and forever. I want to love people like these people are loving me.

It is 6:20 am here and the birds have been chirping all morning. Sounds I've never heard before all around me. I can hear the train in the distance. A reminder of how short our time here is.

Today, breakfast, devotions, then basketball. Kellinee and I are doing another lesson with the handicap children. They are awesome. After that we will get to go to the shopping area to pick out fabric for our clothes we are to have made. I am very excited to see the shopping area and the people who live there.

Kell and I will also get to spend time with Grandma Pushpa and some of the widows. We might even get to share our stories with them, and theirs with us. I am excited. For dinner tonight we are eating here at grandma Pushpa's and it will be authentic Indian. Oh baby!

Have I mentioned that everyone I have met that works here has their PHD? This place is just amazing!

---well, here we are. I hope you had fun. I know I did. Till tomorrow.....

So much to do, so little time......

Things are moving along, and I have a ton of work today. So, lets get this done......


I guess it is Tuesday, I am not ever sure anymore. We went to see Grandma Pushpa and listened to her stories of the work she does here at the mission. She is an amazing woman. She has a program with 600 children in it. She tries to find people who are willing to donate $12 a month to help support their needs but doesn't have the number of supporters she needs. 200 of these children are here in Damoh. She said they are in need of a vehicle that takes diesel gas so they can transport these kids to school and back, and that because they do not have enough supporters, they divide the money they do get up so that every child gets something from it. I feel a deep need to help out with this situation but will have to talk with Shad first. For now I will pray and pray and pray.

She also runs a program for widows. When a woman's husband dies here, they are considered cursed. They don't have ways of making money, so they go to live with their children and are considered a burden. Grandma Pushpa's program helps these women by teaching them trades and giving them grains and beans and rice to give to their children so that they are less of a burden on them and so that they will be treated better. Pray, pray, pray......

We went to see the handicap children and read them "The Little Rain Cloud." Then we did a little are project with them. This little cuttie boy stole my heart and I helped him with his project. I had so much fun. I can't wait to see my girls and share with them all of the things we are doing here.

Time to go play basketball! Be right back!

Well, we have done so much and seen so much. I really want to be able to document everything, but I guess that would be impossible. School is very different here. The children stay in one class room all day, and the teachers move from room to room. They don't have many books, and no air conditioning, just fans and open windows. The teachers basically lecture for 30 minutes and then move on. Children stand when anyone comes into the room and say "Good morning ma'am" and smile and seem very eager to learn. When asked what they do for fun when not in school, the kids looked puzzled, then said they do tutoring classes. Basically saying that they are always doing school, or learning except for Sunday when they go to Sunday school at church. They play games during the afternoons at break time at the school. They have a volleyball net and seem to play that a lot. Cricket is the big game here though. And of course, there is basketball. They love it. You can see in their faces that they do. They love Susie as well. That much is super obvious!
She loves it here and I feel that she will certainly be back soon. God obviously has big plans for her and this place. At least that is what I feel.

Time for bed.

--well, that is it for today, hope you liked it or learned something. Remember, if you have questions, just ask. Thanks for listening.

Happy Birthday Hailey!!!

I am a mother of a 10 year old. How the hell did that happen?!?! Oh, right. Well, on to other things.

So this day is a very special one for me. Once Hailey wakes up we will watch the video of her birth, I will cry, she will smile, and we shall celebrate the life God allowed me to help bring into this world. I am blessed.

I thought we would do girlie stuff like get our nails done and go shopping, but now I realize that it would be better to spend some time together with God. So I am taking the girls to the mountains where perhaps He can hear us better. We will have cake and play and enjoy the day together.

So, on to the India journal entry of the day. Enjoy:


Monday- I think.

Today was awesome! These girls are changing right before our eyes! Two of them prayed tonight which was very cool. We took a tour of the whole mission campus today. There are so many things going on here. An eye hospital, a Bible College, a school for the blind, a school for handicap children, a women's center, a movie/music studio, and the list goes on. Incredible!

The ants are HUGE here. I mean, HUGE!!!!

I am very emotional right now. So much goes on and it is surreal. I miss Shad and the girls. I really wish Shad could be here with me to see all of this. He would be changed forever.

It rained tonight, and it was so lovely. I love the rain here, it just pours down and is so refreshing.

Tomorrow is devotions, then teaching, then basketball. I am very excited but a bit nervous as this is all out of my comfort zone.

The food has been awesome as well. Five course breakfast, lunch and dinner!! Sheela is a great cook. I really am a bad wife and mother. Sheela doesn't even sit down until everyone is served and has everything they need. Do people really do that in the States?

I am very exhausted and need sleep. Till tomorrow.


--well, that was a short one, but full of some info. Hope you all have a great day.
Thanks for reading.

Ah! Monday morning!

I woke up at 6:30 this morning. Curious.

Well, the Apex gathering was really good. They still did child care though, which I thought was kind of weird, but what do I know.

So, ready for another look into our trip? Me too.



Not sure of the date or time. I know it is around 4am India time, and we just arrived in Damoh. We were greeted by about 60-70 staff members from the mission with flowers and hand shakes and smiling faces. The girls looked a little overwhelmed. I know I was.

David said Mama Pushpa's home is 100 years old. This is where we are staying and it is very beautiful. The girls are together which is great because they will have a chance to become closer I think. I am sharing a room with Kellinee, and Susie has her own room. Much deserved I feel. She is the reason we are all here really. I feel welcome, safe, but still a little on guard. I believe that there isn't anything on our agenda for the day but rest and relaxation from the journey.

I can't put into words accurately enough the full events of today. We saw the Taj Mahal and it was awesome and beautiful, breath taking, full of history behind the reason and way it was built. It was extremely hot, and at one point I thought I was going to faint. Between the heat and humidity you dehydrate very quickly and I don't think I was drinking enough water.

We also saw the Red Fort which I thought was going to be very close to the Taj for some reason, but isn't. It is across the river. I took pictures of everything I could. Keeping up with our guide was a bit difficult, but we pushed on and we ended our tour at the Only restaurant in Agra. Yes, that is it's name. The food was very good, the water and air even better for me. Funny how we take so much for granted until we don't have it any more.

I have seen people begging on the streets, causing their children to cry so people will feel sad. I have seen children wondering alone in a pile of trash. I saw and was approached by a man who walked on all fours because his back was twisted and deformed. I've seen cows, wild dogs, pigs, monkeys, donkeys, camels, and an assortment of birds that I have never seen before. People sleep on the curbs that separate the middle of the road which freaks me out. Wouldn't you be afraid to roll off and out into the street? They drive on the other side of the road here. Weird.

While at the Taj, we were greeted by a large group of Indian girl scouts who wanted to have their picture taken with us. Many men and boys stare and grin. That's freeky.

I am so grateful to be here, yet miss my girls and Shad very much. I did get to call them today. It brought me to tears and was totally awesome to hear all of their voices.

We took a couple of train rides today. One in first class seats and one time in a sleeper car. The sleeper cars have air and are separated by just a curtain. There are four sleepers to one compartment. Kell was above me, and there were a total of three families that shared our spot on the way here. I woke up at one point as I was being sat on by some lady and some kids. She apologized, and I told her, "no, no problem, just sit." and I went back to sleep.

The squattie is something else. Gross to the nose, and hard to use on a moving train that is bouncing you around every which way, but better than the western toilet which is just foul.
There were a lot of military traveling on our train which was freaking me out at first sight, but eased my concern at the same time. David said he upped security while we are at the mission so we would feel safer. That just freaks me out a bit but I will keep that to my self.

For now, I lie here on my bed under a mosquito net and I am very glad to be in the cool air, stretched out, safe and finally done traveling for a while. I have taken 160 pictures so far. And, I spent my first bit of money on these marble jewelry boxes for the girls. I found out later that I was totally ripped off, but I don't really mind.

I have been blessed with this whole experience so far. More tomorrow.


-well this ends today's journal entry. I hope you enjoyed. If you ever have questions, just email me.
Happy day!

Good Morning!

Here it is on a beautiful Sunday morning and I have just finished my toast. So, I figure it is time for another journal entry from the trip. Hope you enjoy:


Saturday-I think. Not sure of the date but will check on that later.
We had an amazing day so far. We had breakfast which consisted of toast, a banana, porrage, an egg and this potato pancake thing that was spicy but real good. I am sure I will pay for that later. After breakfast, we had a little meeting with the girls.

The girls talked about their highs and lows and voiced some concerns about being stared at. They liked it and felt guilty about that, but it also felt weird to them as well. Interesting.

While we were talking David came in and we all listened as he gave us some history on Hinduism and on some of the gods they worship. There are over 33million gods! He said that people are beginning to ask questions about the actions of these gods and finding that their gods can't give them the answers. He gave us a lot of information and the girls asked a lot of good questions. An awesome moment to watch and participate in as well.

It was then time to pile into the SUV and drive through town. It was hot and very humid and uncomfortable. So much to see on the drive. Things that tug your heart in all directions. To many emotions to process.

We were taken to the underground mall. It is what it is called. A huge mall that is under a park. We were taken to a place to exchange our money. The room was small, and so humid it was foggy. I have a ton of rupees which is kind of cool. It kind of makes you feel like you have more money than you do. I plan on bringing a few home for school purposes.

To exchange money, we had to take turns signing our travelers checks, hand them over to one guy who calculated the rate on a piece of paper, and then he passes it on to another guy. The first guy whipped out a bunch of money, and so much that it is all stapled together. The next guy filled out the exchange form, and after we sign it, we are done. It took a while for all of us to go through the process, but once we were done, it was time for shopping.

We found ourselves in a shop and before we knew it, outfits were flying everywhere! The girls picked out some very pretty clothes to wear on the train to Agra and Damoh. I wasn't so lucky so I will get to shop in Damoh and have some clothes made. I can't wait to meet Sheela. David and the other guys who's names I can't say just yet have been wonderful. I will get into that later. So after the shopping spree, we left for the Lotus Temple. Very cool looking, and again, very hot. We could see the Harri Krishna (spelling?) temple and could hear the bells ringing and the people chanting and singing. Weird. Next it was off to lunch. We had cheese pizza of all things! The place we ate at was sweltering hot and we were very tired and unsure if we wanted to continue on with the sightseeing, but sucked it up and continued the day.

We ended up at this very old temple tower that was built in the 1300's I think. Amazing that they could build such things. And the carvings were incredible. There were many native people there and they were so interested in us which is funny because we were interested in them. The sky opened up with rain and it was awesomely refreshing. We played in the rain which made us the center of attention. Oops. Suddenly everyone wanted to watch us, and take pictures with us and of us. The rain woke us all up and we were full of life once again. The best day so far.


-Well, there is some more from my journal. Hope you enjoyed it. I wasn't always awake enough to write everything as explicit as I wanted to. I left some stuff out of course. There is just so much that we were seeing and it was way too much info. to write all down. This particular day was one of the most fun for me I think. As a group anyway. If you are interested, I have tons of pictures! Have an awesome day and thanks for reading.

Hi

Home! Oh the things we take for granted in this life. A shower, a pillow, our family and friends, shoes, dry air. The list goes on.

India was awesome! There aren't enough words to describe it. 60 million people live in Delhi alone! Needless to say, there were people everywhere.

God told Susie to do something, and she did it with no questions just like in the Bible. What an awesome responsibility for her, and what awesome reward to watch all that happened.

I will begin by writing some of the stuff from my journal:

July 15th, 2004 sitting in the airport, asking the girls questions:
1. What are you most excited about?
2. What are you most excited to see?
3. What are you scared of?
4. What do you think you will learn?


July 17, 2004
We have arrived! We are at the Y and I am sharing a room with Amanda. Our trip began with an hour plane ride from Vegas to L.A., then 16 1/2 hours from L.A. to Tai Pei. Then another 7 hours to Delhi.
Each stop was the same yet different. We got on the plane, and off. We went through x-rays, customs, questions, answers, filled out forms. When we got off the plane in Delhi, I was exhausted, but full of excitement.

The place seemed small, and there were tons of people just staring at us. It felt weird. We got our bags, and started towards the exit, only to be greeted by David which gave us relief I think. The trip from the building to the bus was scary. Tons of people, men trying to grab our luggage for us, and some people asking for money. We stayed in a very tight group and followed very close to David. He had people waiting to stack our luggage on top of the very mini mini van we were riding in, and before we knew it, we were off. I remember Shad saying to remember my direction, (south, north, east and west) and realizing that I had no clue what direction I had come from, let alone which way I was going.

After what seemed a very long drive, we made it to our destination. We saw many things on that first drive in Delhi. People on bikes, motorcycles, rickshaws, all cars were small,people sleeping right out in the middle of nowhere, animals roaming the streets. We heard horns honking the whole way. They honk for everything. To say "I'm turning," "I'm right beside you, or behind you, or coming around you" and it never ends. When we arrived, there were these giant black ants. Huge!

I could write pages on just our trip here, and can't imagine what we will get to experience in the next two weeks. I miss my girls.
I think my bed spread is made of silk!
----

So that is the first couple of entries. I will write more tomorrow. I am very glad I went, and very glad to be home.

Okay, fine, I have to write. I am less than one day away from taking the longest trip I have ever taken in my life to a whole different country and I am so fricken excited that I can hardly stand it. I have to write!!!!!


So I can't sleep, can't think of anything else but India, and already have my stuff in the truck. How sad is that?! At certain moments, I can't even hardly believe it is really going to happen.

On the lowest setting on my camera I can take 999 pictures. You better believe I will take every single one of them. I already took a couple of pictures of my kids so that when I find that I'm missing them, I can just break out the camera and say hello.


We will be updating people on line, and I will be updating my blog when possible while in India. So, prayers and love to all of you and talk to you soon.

Once upon a time........

There was a young girl who loved to watch people and hear stories of their lives. They would show her pictures of the places they went to, and told the most wonderful stories about the events that happened to them there.

The young girl would dream about traveling to distant countries and of taking tons of pictures. Pictures that would remind her of every event of her trip, and would help her tell stories of her travels to her friends and their family, just as they did to her.

She dreamed of what the places would look like, smell like, taste like. But sadly, she felt she probably would never see her dreams come true.

She lived in a house with one parent and tons of family who were poor and always caught up in the drama of life. They constantly told her what a mess up she was, how she would never make anything of her life. So although she had the flame of hope in her heart, it was slowly being suffocated by the negative forces around her.

As she grew up, she began the slow decent into the abyss of selfishness. After years of abusing herself and others, she came to a point in time where she felt numb, and then finally, nothing at all.

She began taking long drives around the town, thinking of all the time she had wasted, and wondering what the purpose of her life really was. She felt alone and abandoned.

One night she found herself at a church building. Unsure of why, she later found herself inside sitting in a dark corner, listening to the stories and watching all of the people. These people had so many good and bad things to talk about, but the way they spoke of these things was different. Although they had difficult lives, they still had hope, something this girl had forgotten about a very long time ago.

Many years passed, and the girl continued to go to the church and listen to stories of Jesus.

One day, it all made sense. She realized she had never been alone during all of her dark days. Although her parents and family had abandoned her in many ways,God was right there by her side, or carrying her the whole time. She was baptized right then on the spot, in the backyard of her spiritual family's house in a horse trough.

After that night, her life changed forever. She found herself trying to be a better person, and began finding the flame of hope she had lost so long ago. She knew that one day she would find her life's purpose with God's help.

And so here I sit, ten days away from taking a trip to India to experience another culture, to hear stories of many people, and to make a record of them on film. Plus a chance to tell them my own story as well.

God is always in charge, and anything is possible with Him.

THE END
Well, not really. It's just the beginning. But you will have to wait until I get back from India to find out what happens next. And so will I. Till then..............

13 DAYS AND COUNTING!!!!!!

We leave in thirteen days, and I am very nervous about it all financially. Only for me I mean, we made our goal for the girls by the grace of God and I am so excited for them. Thanks to all who have helped out. You rock!!!

I am pissed off at a certain family member, but have been praying about it. I have to let it go because it is not in my hands. Not really. I think I need this time away to re-adjust my view on life and to learn what is most important. Not that I don't have a good idea already. But I am a work in progress like everyone else.

I spoke to my father yesterday and he sent a check, but wouldn't tell me how much it was. I hope it isn't a lot because I am sure he can't afford it. He is such a butt head some times.

I have a ton to do. Happy day.

Not to beat a dead horse but...........

I feel sick, but it is just the cereal I ate.

Church was cool, and Joe and Greg had good things to say. I am very excited about the changes. I have always wondered why we had to have church in a particular building on a particular day, but never asked the question. I really don't know a lot about God, just what I have learned over the last four years or so. Shad says I am to trusting. Perhaps, but I feel as though I can pretty much tell if a person has good or bad in their heart.

This whole thing feels right to me. I had a dream a long time ago about us having church in the middle of the desert or something. That was back when Apex didn't know were they were going to move to. I have never been worried about the success of Apex because in my eyes, they are a constant reflection of Gods love and will always touch people's hearts with living what they know and believe, weather that is in a building, on the street, the beach, at work or in our own homes. I change and learn a little every time I am around someone from the Apex family. I have already been shown that I have learned a great deal from my family by the things my best friend said recently. I didn't even know, and that is the greatest part. We shouldn't know because that is not our victory, it is God's victory.

I am looking forward to seeing everyone in August after being in India. I have no idea why I am going, other than these girls might need a mom, and the fact that I feel this is something I am supposed to do. I am going to miss my family a great deal, and my girls. They have never been away from me this long. They will change so much while I am gone, that I am sure of. I will change too. God is always working.

Okay, so for not feeling as though I had anything to say today, I have said enough!

News

Working out sucks, but then that is just my opinion.

Today is a work day and cleaning day. Yes, my life is filled with mystery and adventure. The girls finally have organized rooms, and I need to start painting MacKenzie's this weekend. I really want it done before I leave for India. I have plenty of paint and anyone is welcome to help. Hint hint!


On other news, there was a court date yesterday for the little girl and her grandmother who are living with my mother. The grandmother has custody until December, at which time they will see how far the mother has come. She says she will go into a program, however, she didn't show up to any of the meeting times with her daughter, and she is still using, and now she is pregnant. I was informed that she sent a lawyer in her place yesterday because if they find out she is using while she is pregnant, she will be put in jail until the child is born for child endangerment, unless she aborts the child.

She has two days to get tested, and there will be someone checking out the issues of her being pregnant. And so the story unfolds.

I have mixed feelings about the whole "abort the baby or loose it while in jail" thing. But I will keep those comments to myself. They all need prayer, and I will leave it at that.

My children are going to spend a weekend with their grandfather in San Diego in a couple of months. They will be with their cousins and fly alone. This is a big step for me, so pray, pray, pray.

That was Cool!!!

My bestest friend in the world called me and wanted to meet up today. She said she had something important to tell me, and she had to do it in person, but first she confided in me that she had to tell about her story at church, and that Shad and I have inspired her to follow Christ. I was like, What?

She said that the way we have changed over the last few years, our dedication to God and each other has led her to want to know Him. God is so awesome! All this time I worry that I will never know the right things to say, and all I had to do was nothing at all. God rocks!

So the other news she had to tell me in person was that she is getting married!!! First he asked her son, then he asked her. Amy is so happy, and I see the love in them. They both have God in their lives and I can feel that this is good. Like it matters what I feel. I guess I just have always had a good sense of picking up on people and who they really are. He loves her and wants to do what is right in God's eyes. I see a whole new Amy emerging and it is very beautiful.



I have to confess, I bought a CD tonight. I will now have to give one up. It's the new policy.

Yuck

I get really nervous when I have to talk to people about really icky stuff. Money falls in that category for me. I just need God to speak for me today and leave it at that.

On other news, my girls are on strike. They refuse to leave the house this morning due to the fact that they are not willing to travel in the truck with out air. Aren't they cute?

I had a weird dream about me being at a school, and the teacher was struggling with cleaning up her messy room, so I jumped in to help organize it, and then she had to go back to her kids, so I stayed to clean up. Two other teachers show up and start dismantling things I had just organized, and then start trying to bring all kinds of crap into the room to make it a mess, so I am refusing to let them, and literally throw them and their crap out of the room talking about "this is a classroom, not a fricken storage unit!" Then, one of them says something, and I ask her if she would treat her house church like this, and she is like "my what?" and I say "oops, I mean church, umm I mean house." And she is like, what's a house church? The funny thing is, I can't tell her.


There was another dream about me playing a game with my kids and my niece and nephew. (Rhiannon and Warren) It was some weird game where you had to find all of these clues and maps and stuff. We had to drive this funky car around and Warren wanted to hang off of the front of it backwards and up-side-down, but is was so low that he would have certainly hit his head on the ground, so I told him no and he decided he would walk instead. The game led me into a store where I immediately started organizing stuff, and was told I could have a job there if I wanted, so I agree, and then I am cleaning the mess I made with the game and this woman comes up and starts trying to take things from the box I am putting it in. I tell her she can't have any of it, and she gets all rude, and I realize that she is my boss. Then she tells me that she is going to have to cut hours and that I will have to go part time now which makes me happy because I realize that I didn't want the job in the first place.


I am very strange I know.

Happy day to you!

Can't be with Ramone and his family today, but they are in my thoughts and prayers.

Welcome

Your brain goo is welcome.

T-shirts anyone? We will have them soon.

24 days till India but who is counting?

Just a glance

Life is getting crazy and I am feeling anxiety even with meds. That is a sign of high stress. Bummer.

My day started out with MacKenzie sticking her finger in my eye to wake me up so I could just be up with her. I then turned on the TV hoping to get a few more minutes of sleep, and rolled over to get back to where I left off. The phone rings, it is Gram wanting to know if I will be on her side of town today. I say no, and she says okay and hangs up.

HMMM, she wants me to be interested in what she needs so I will call back? Perhaps, but I can't fall for it, I have other things to do.

Next Hailey wants me to make her breakfast. HMMM, she could do it herself, yet I get up and make it for her. Shad calls, he needs me to fax him some paper he forgot today. First I have to find it. Fun!

The dog wants attention so she keeps nudging me with her wet nose. I really hate that because it is all cold and yucky.

Hailey has decided she will teach her sister some piano this morning. Yea!

Just a small view into an hour of my life. Oh, today is Monday, work day. I work from home and I am late. Bummer.

Howdy!

My days have been full of "stuff" to do, and I find that I am tired.

The home school convention was good. Lots of information and pretty well organized. I am very grateful to have people out there who care enough to go through the trouble of having a convention and having the resources out there for parents like us to do what we want and need to do. I now get to go through all of my catalogs and pick out the things I want for the next school year. How fun!

India is almost here. I was at Susie's and got to see and hold my ticket. How cool is that? I have a passport, and received my shots, now all I have to do is try to make some money so I can afford the rest of the trip. Perhaps I will feel better after payday, but probably not. I am going to have to change some things in the small business department if things don't change. Never mind!

So, I get to watch a movie next week with Susie, Kellinee and the four girls who are going on this trip with us and it is about India. It will give us an idea of what to expect when we get there. I am very excited, and a little nervous. I have flown a lot in my life, but only short trips. I guess I should bring a good book because we will have traveled about 28 hours by the time we get there. Two of the girls had to drop out due to family issues and that totally sucks because they really wanted to go. However, I feel that there might have been some of God in all of that anyway.

Well, I am off to listen to some of the tapes I got today from the convention. I hope I learn something. You all rock! In a suckie way. :) Yes that is a compliment.

Whoa

Cheryl touched on something crazy honest! Cool! Now I feel like a shit for not helping. I seem to see these kinds of moments when I am just sure this person needs some help, but not able to approach because I am uncertain if this person is going to think I am a freak or something. Not just Cheryl, but just pretty much everyone I come in contact with in a situation like that. That is why I don't approach people well and talk with them. I always think for them, (as if that were possible), and then talk myself out of doing what I know must be the right thing to do. Whether it is just helping out, or just having a simple conversation. So the conclusion of what I am trying to say is I SUCK!!! But then, don't we all? There is always room for improvement. Sorry Cheryl.

You know something's amuck when...............

I am sitting here very tired from working all day yesterday to catch up on things wondering if I am doing the right thing by trying to work and home school. Just another uncertain moment in my life that will pass.

I am all wrapped up in our trip to India and loving it. Can you imagine if we were able to do this every year? Just working towards our goal has made so many changes in these girls. Having been just like them growing up, I can see where this is going to rock their world. I am so very grateful to everyone who has been helping us out with donations and with their hard work. We have met some really cool people as well.

Well, my two extra kids are here for the day. Time for fun, fun, fun!

Sad day

The news was sad today. I cried a little.

My mind is filled with many thoughts about the trip. I keep praying for God's will to be done in this whole thing.

I am excited about church being something new. I like that we are always changing. It means we are in constant growth. That has to be healthy. The trips sound so fun, and the thought of having family reunions every month is very cool. I personally feel that we could do those reunions at a different place each month so that we are taking our church everywhere. Kind of like we already do, but not all of us realize.

My mind is having a hard time concentrating on any one thing right now as my eye lids are heavy and.........dude, that was weird.

Good night.

Here we go.......

So we had an awesome weekend of little sleep, super hot days, tons of people and frustration, but tons of fun and an outcome we never expected.

We have tickets, yet if we don't raise enough money before we go, we don't get to take the girls to India. That is because a church helped us with the tickets, and expect us to pay them before we leave next month. So, if you have an itch to help, contact myself or Susie, or Kellinee as we are having a softball tournament on June 26th to raise the funds we need. We could use tons of prayer and tons of people willing to get out there and play for a day to help out these girls. T-shirts and a BBQ lunch will be provided to all who raise money to play. For more information, email me at smatheny1@earthlink.net and let me know that you are here in Vegas wanting to help out. We are accepting donations as well and all are tax deductible.

Okay, now that I am done begging for money, my true thoughts on this trip have been changing every day. I am so excited and want this to happen so bad. I realized over the last few days that I was once one of these girls and so I can see where this kind of trip could change them in so many ways. It's changing me and I haven't even been there yet. Susie is working her butt off to make this whole thing a reality. I admire her so much for her strength and dedication. She loves these kids and really wants a chance to make a huge difference in their lives. She already has.

I am so grateful to the Carder's and the way they ooze hospitality and God's love. They have been so great to us. And every one at Apex rocks!!!!

Well, it is late and I am very tired. There is lots to do tomorrow and not enough time in the day, so I am out of here. Thanks to all who have been praying and helping.

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My eyes are slowly opening and feel very dry today. Time for drops I guess.

Today is the day we get everything organized for the huge sale we are having tomorrow. It should go well. Thanks to everyone who has been helping. YOU ROCK!!!

We moved my desk last night. Could we be any funnier? We keep changing things in the house so that there might be a chance we finally are comfortable here. It has been so hard adjusting to a smaller house. I know God is teaching us much by having us here. I am learning to really appreciate what I have. I'm also learning that we have to get rid of a bunch of stuff we don't need. The girls haven't learned that yet, but are starting to. Why do we think we need so much stuff? Anyway, off to the showers and then the gym.

Movie night at my house on June 25th. Movie to be announced.

Thoughts

Well, there is a ton of work on my desk, but I am getting through it.

I feel as though church has become something different. I love to go and listen and hear about Jesus, I love to watch the people there mingle and converse, but it is not very easy at times to feel as though I am a part of it. How do you become a part of it? Are you a part of it if you are just there, or do you have to be an active part, like pray out loud or by doing something for someone? Can you be there and love on every person who walks in the door and just be yourself? Is that enough? It should be.

I feel as though it really doesn't matter if you say a word, just being in the presence of God and of others and being true to yourself should be enough. Why do we have to meet in a building? Why can't we just call one another and set a date and time in a different place every month and get together and hang out and pray and sing, eat and laugh and listen,just loving one another?

Church at the big building isn't what changed me, God changed me, but through the community of a small group of people who were willing and eager to share about the love of God. Each individual person helped with a simple word or action that they weren't even aware of. To me, that is real church. People who are willing to take a moment out of their busy schedule to give it to someone who needs it. People who remember that we are made out of love to love.

Okay, so I am just rambling. It has to happen at times. That is what I blog for.

It is about twelve thirty and I am doing laundry, so, while I wait for the dryer, I will place some useless thoughts down in my blog.

I am trying out a new schedule so that I might be a bit more organized. Yes, another pathetic try at organization. I really want to be, but find it almost impossible. It will happen some day I guess.

Hailey got bit by a mouse today. It was a pet, and Shad thinks we should get it checked out by the doctor. I figure that if it doesn't seem to bother her by now, it's probably alright. She said that the little shit bit her and was dangling from her finger, unwilling to let go. She had to pull it of. That must have hurt bad. Had it been me, I would have probably thrown the thing across the room. Probably why it wasn't me.


We have the fundraising, mega yard sale going on this Saturday at the Carder's so make sure those of you willing stop by and have a snack or two while you brows through the huge selection of items available. We have everything from clothes to skis to CD's and miner hats. There is a washing machine, a dresser and the list just goes on. There is also another car wash on the 13th at the McDonald's on Sunset and Stephanie. Bring your dirty car and a donation. We'll see ya there.

Okay, I am done plugging the fundraiser stuff. I am starting to get tired. I think I should just go to bed. Who needs clean clothes anyway? Oh, right.

We looked at a house over by Shad's parents today. In the master bedroom, the bathroom has a huge hot tube and that is it! No sink, no shower or bath tub, just a lot of tile and a hot tub. And I am not talking the bath tub kind, I am talking the huge out door kind. What the hell was this guy thinking? Oh, lets just not go there! Get your head out of the gutter! YUCK!!

The house has potential, but needs work. Lots of it. (mostly in the master bath!!!!!) Any way, it was kind of fun to look at. Some people are very strange.

Bed time for bonzo.

Church rocks!!

I had a very good time at church tonight. I thought the whole thing was groovy. Sheba was so happy to be out of the house, and we will have to do that more often.

Life has been moving right along, and a little too quickly I might add. I see all of these people having babies, and it makes me sad that we can't. I will be too old soon anyway. I love my girls, and sometimes long for a little boy. We are blessed with two awesome girls.

So, anyone for movie night?

Happy Day

I am very happy today. Don't ask me why, I have no idea. I haven't even had my happy pill yet. There is just this feeling of good in my heart and I am happy.

Why do I share such silly things? Right!

I miss Debb and the boys.

Life is like a taco, yummy looking on the outside, but a big stinking mess on the inside.

Why do we let pride get in the way of friendship?

Cool

So, I was in need of a change, and since I can't afford to change my hair color right now, I decided to change my blog. Change is good.

My job is getting both harder and easier at the same time. Yes, that is possible. I am almost totally caught up, but there are all of these changes going on, and so many people to please these days. It is hard at times.

Yesterday I almost had a melt down, but managed to make it through, and it all turned out alright. God is always there.

India is getting closer and we are struggling to make it happen. I am praying a lot about the church helping us out. I am worried that we will not make it, and then these girls will be let down, yet at the same time, they are learning so much already just by working hard to get there. We just have to keep looking forward.

Prayers to you all.

This blog just ate my last entry!!!! What a jerk!!!

Whoa

The weekend was good, and life is good, and my kids are good, and my husband is good.

It's all good.


I have one of my niece and nephews tomorrow for the day. It should be interesting as they were real stinkers last week. This up coming party weekend should be interesting to say the least. Lots of things to do all of the time.

My ten year anniversary is this week. Ten years of frustration, confusion, love, admiration, pain, laughter, sorrow, joy, excitement, horror, lessons, growing.......... I wouldn't change any of it.

What I know, or have learned about marriage:

It takes love and patience.
It is not easy.
There isn't any kind of owners manual.
Kids should come AFTER marriage.
You have to pick your battles.
I really don't like hangers in the bathroom just piling up on the towel rack.
Someone has to learn how to cook or you will starve, or go broke.
I can still have fun and be my self.
Laundry never ends, it just keeps going, and going, and going,.....
Just because the little chapel you were married at in down town Las Vegas was torn down doesn't mean your doomed.
God is in control.
The list could go on, but I am sure you are fighting to stay awake as it is.
Just know that marriage sucks at times for everyone at some points, and really rocks at other times. It's all good!!

Why does Shad torture me so!!?? All I want is to be able to use my computer to do the things I need to do. Why must he change things every other month? It is driving me insane! I know, stupid thing to care about. It is just one of those things, like when the hangers are still hanging on the towel rack in the morning. I really don't like that. Yes, I am a freak. Get over it. I did.

This weekend is going to end up busy like all of the others. No big deal really. I look forward to parts of it, like taking care of the Boyd boys for a couple of hours. They play so good, with lots of energy and laughter. They are such a blessing.

My reports were all a mess tonight, but I think I figured out what I needed to, so things can only get better from here. Yes, I do try to think positively at times. I'm holding my brothers lotto ticket for ransom, in case he wins something. So far, he won two dollars. He can't pay off my mortgage with that. But he could buy me an ice cream.

So, can you tell I am trying to avoid some responsibilities? I have about thirty butterflies to cut out, ten vases to fill, and lots of paperwork to work on. Plus I get to whip up a bunch of kabobs tomorrow for Sunday. Soooo, I think I will go color in my color book.

Funny how life is.

On other news, I am in charge of the decorations for a party next week and let me tell you, this is exciting. Oh, and expensive as well. I have managed to spend $151 on stuff, and wondered today what was going to happen to all of it. Can you recycle streamers? I also have the delightful job of putting together some kind of activity to pass the time. I thought the kids could do some kind of dance or something. Or maybe have the adults do some kind of skit. Anyway, it should be fun none the less.

So the school year is about up and my children are still doing school. That is because I can't seem to figure out when or if we should stop. I mean, don't we school our kids every day anyway? I have other things I can spend my time worrying about I guess.

I talked to my dad about India again and he is still against me going, but said he would bring a check next weekend. I thought that was funny. He is going to be here for my brother's graduation. My brother has a BA now or something. He wants to be a lawyer some day. Yes, one of my relatives wants to study law. Now that is kind of funny.

I have issues, so I guess I will go color now. I bought me a new coloring book. It is so cool. Ask me and I will show it to you. God is in charge, not you, so just go with the flow. It's all about love.

Good Morning

Just a quick thought before I start my work day.

My ten year anniversary is approaching. I feel as though we have been married for many more years than that, but only because we have been living together for about fifteen years. It is something I never thought I would do. I never thought I would be married, or would have children. I am so grateful to be where I am today. Feelings of wonder, amazement, and thankfulness fill my head and heart today.

On to other things. Work day is here, and I am oh so not looking forward to it. Only because I have lots to do. However, it will feel great to end the day with a bunch of things accomplished. Blessings to all of you.

Have a happily blessed day.

I don't like to make commitments because I suck at keeping them. However, there are a few that I have kept that I am not giving myself credit for I guess. No matter, because it still sucks when the person you love keeps reminding you of how bad you are at keeping commitments. I just suck at follow through and I have dealt with this my whole life, so I struggle with it today because I have had to teach myself how to deal with responsibility. I guess those who don't suffer from this don't understand fully. The fact that I can't remember shit causes me to suffer as well. I am getting better I guess, and there is always room for improvement. So I will continue to struggle, but God will guide me. Nothing is impossible with God.

So, now that I have fulfilled me commitment to write this blog tonight, I am off to fulfill other commitments.
Pray

Okay.............

My first day with the "New Business" pretty much sucked. I thought I would handle it one way and handled it totally another. All in all, I have made it through. However, I have a million things to do tomorrow, and I already feel anxiety about it. That is not a feeling I have had in a while. Hmmmm, perhaps the medicine is not working? Anyway, I just need to keep with the schedule as best as I can.

meanwhile, my mom is asking for money again. This means that if I take it to her, I will have to get up early and drive over there while the girls whine about always going some place. I just want to clean my house and catch up on paper work.

Pray for me.

Time for bed.

So there is no trip planned for the Bahamas, but I did color my hair. No big surprise to those who know me well. Thanks Debb, you are so awesome! You better know I am here for you always.

My days are going along and I am surviving. There has been no large catastrophe, and I have made it this far just fine with God in charge. I guess things are never as bad as we think. I made a little money for India on a party I had today. I just thank God for it all.

I was driving and listening to music and had this overwhelming feeling of happiness and peacefulness. Like even though I have all of this stuff going on, everything is still okay. My work pile is about to topple over onto the floor, so I guess I should get some of it done.

Help!

My computer is freaking out!!! I keep having pop ups and other crap. It is very frustrating and pisses me off.

So, I feel stressed. I have a lot on my plate these days and I am not getting things done in an organized manner. I can't seem to get a routine going. I am aggravated. I think I could use some help, but from who? I am stress eating all of the time, and I feel like running away. Can I just quit? Maybe go away to the beach or the mountains. Hide out like a hermit for a week or two or three.

Color my hair, change my name and move to the Bahamas.

What comes around...........

So a very long time ago, back in the 80's I broke my leg, and my mother took a whole afternoon of convincing to take me to the hospital. Finally when she did, she was told my leg was broke and we had to see an orthopedic specialist. Finally, the end result was surgery. My mother was convinced in the beginning that I was wrong about my leg being broken, and then I was made fun of the whole time.

Well, yesterday my mother broke her arm. She was convinced it was just a dislocated shoulder, but no, it was broken. Now she has to go see an orthopedic specialist, and possibly have surgery. Did I remind her of that oh so long ago time back in the 80's when I was made fun of? You better believe it!! But in a much nicer way.

Life sure is strainge. Last night I had a dream that I was with a few people who were trying to get away from this crazy guy who wanted to kill us all. We hid in a room, and I tried to keep him from getting inside, but he managed to get in. He was with a bunch of other people who were waiting for him, and he told us to stay out of site and he would let us live. He then started shooting and making a mess of the place and then left. We were so afraid of being killed. When we were finally able to leave the house, we were still worried about being seen by the others who were with him. I kept wanting to stay in a closet with the door to my back so that I knew no one was behind me. Weird!

The wind is whipping today, and I am not about to go out for anything unless it is super important. But that means the girls will have to stay in today as well. I see a very cool art project in our future. Something big and that can hang on the wall. Or we could start painting MacKenzie's room today. Or we could clean the house and organize things. Or we could watch a movie with some popcorn and soda. Or we could play games. Or we could...................................

Hi

Feeling down last night, I decided to go work out at ten. I was there for an hour and had a good workout. I will probably go again tonight. I think I have to be one of the worst friends around these days. I don't like the fact that my lack of self discipline, and ignorant nature causes friction in my relationships. I am selfish and uncaring at times, and very lazy about certain responsibilities. A very poor role model for my children these days.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.


Pray for Kristy - she is loosing her mind on drugs, and is now homeless.

I just shoveled rock for twenty minutes and now I feel like an old woman. Don't ask me to explain.

I was thinking about music. I love it. All of it. Well, most of it. It fills me with emotion and I like that.

Well, where have I gone today? Perhaps one step further, yet not all that far.

We have a new bed. We broke down and got a good one so that we won't have to keep spending money on junk every year. This one should last us a very long time. The thing is huge, but so very comfortable. Oh what things we take for granted in this life.

Wait..

Although, it isn't about what you do, it is about trust. Do I trust? Do you? It is all so confusing yet so simple. Is it? I need some time to pray things through and just let go. But then is that going to help me? Or is that a lack of trust?

Perhaps I need, no, THAT would be a lack of trust. Just accept.

AArrrrggg

So I have been having this problem with questioning my reasons for going to India, and then I just talked myself into the answer, or well, into the light. God is so good at that. I suck at follow through because I fear failure. You don't fail if you don't do, however I know that is the lie I tell myself. In reality, if you don't "live a courageous life" then you aren't even trying and then you really are failing. So, I totally get this in my head. I am trying to talk myself out of going so that I won't fail. However, I failed to realize that I would figure it out, so my plan has failed. Follow me?

Reading a book

Have you read The Five People You Meet In Heaven?

What?

Can't hear you, I have my head in the clouds. The wind has been blowing them right by me, and for some reason, I find my self lost in them. How tranquil it is to wonder around, oblivious to the signs God puts in my way. Tranquil until I fall back to reality, WHAM!!!! And find that my world has been turned up-side-down and all due to my own ignorance. Life is grand!

So, that is where I am at right now. Realizing that I have had my head in the clouds about some things, and I know now that I must deal with these demons or suffer a worse fate. All things are possible with God. Pray for me.

How weird it is to realize that someone might actually read the thoughts that spill out of my brain.

I sit here this morning wondering if I am doing the right things in my life. How do I know if I am following the right path? Faith.

I Love Shad!!!

I love my husband. He has set up my office so that I can email and blog and everything else right here. I even have a nice screen so I don't go blind!! He loves me, he really loves me!!

Okay, so enough of that crap. I have a ton of work to do, so I am out of here.

Happy Birthday Joe! (belated)

Why do I .....

Why do I open my big mouth and give my opinion about anything?

Oh well, I guess I am stuck. So, my dad called today and asked me if I had seen The Passion movie and I told him yes, and he said he didn't want to, and well, it started a conversation between the two of us about God. Something that we have never spoken of to each other before. Weird, but cool at the same time.

My dog loves Frosty Paws. I think she is addicted. We picked some up at the store the other day and every time I open the freezer, she sits and starts licking her chops while giving me that look of desperation. I love my dog. She is my fatty dog and so cute!!!

I have a party on the first of May which I am happy about because this will help me with my funds for India. There has been some support trickling in, and we are so grateful for that. My father even said he would send some funds which is funny because he totally thinks it is dumb for me to want to go there. One day he might understand. I won't lose any sleep over it.

My dog is wanting to play, so I have to go. She keeps nudging my arm with her cold wet nose. Oh, now she is pouting.

I can see.

I visited my eye doctor today for a follow up to my laser redo on my right eye. I see so good now, and what a blessing it is. I'm even having trouble driving because I want to just look at everything I could see before. I guess it is time to get the license change.

There seems to be a lot of confusion going on about church service. If church is church no matter where you have it, doesn't that mean that it is okay if some like to have it at a special place, at a special time and some don't? And what is all of the confusion about the children and classes?

I suppose I am very clueless about it all, but it seems to me that when we have children, it is our obligation and God given duty to raise them to the best of our ability to be God loving individuals. Not anyone else's job, but ours. Why is it so hard for us to accept the responsibility? It is my opinion that we have been programmed by our parents with what they were taught. So really, we continue those lessons we feel were useful to us, and change the ones we feel didn't work. We can't be judging others on they way they choose to raise their kids, we can only choose to raise ours the way we feel is best and trust that God is in charge. So what if some people don't gather in one place on the same day of every week at the same time. Perhaps they are having church in another way some place else at that moment in time. God only knows. I think we can only do what we feel led to by God and know that we are doing His will in our work and life.

But that is just my opinion and thought for the day. I could change my mind later and have another opinion tomorrow. My God given right.

And................What do I know?

Wooohoooo!

Just felt the need.

Well, today was a productive day, but I still have so much to do. I need to take in some extra work or something to make my money for my trip. God will provide the answer.

We have had a good school day so far. Both girls are whining only ever so slightly.

Well, there is just so much excitement that a person can handle, so I guess I will go.

blessings to everyone, and to all a good night. Uh, what ever.

What is there to do on a rainy day? How about painting with little ones and then P.E. with a gym full of screaming home schoolers. It was fun.

My eye feels tired. I have been feeling so good that I think I might have over done it a bit. I woke up today with my eye feeling like it was glued shut and now I am seeing a little foggy. Not like the last few days. Perhaps I just need to keep in mind that while it doesn't hurt, it is still healing. Maybe I just need a nap. Then, well, some music and then another nap.

Yes, I must nap.