Thursday, September 02, 2004


I tend to try to be funny when I am nervous. Especially if there is a threat of conflict in the air. Humor relieves the pain at times. I feel I take life too seriously some days and thus try to do things that make me happy instead of the things I know will stress me out. I suck at follow through and hate that I suck at follow through so I constantly do things that would call for major follow through just to set myself up to fail and not follow through and then dwell on the fact that I suck at it. Most days I feel as though I am a huge failure at everything I do, yet I am aware that we all suck so what is the big deal? I want to have a lot of friends that are close and who feel comfortable enough to just drop in at any time, but am afraid of being that close with people and I suck at keeping in touch with the friends I do have. Some times I dream of taking a long drive out of town and just never stopping. Just taking the road as far as it will take me and see where I end up. I take tons of pictures of everything because my grandma had Alztimers ( I suck at spelling as well) and I fear that one day I will forget all of the good memories I have ever had. Some days, I trick myself into thinking I am in control, and then WHAM!!! I am fat and hate being that way but I feel safe this way. I want to be some kind of an artist but know I suck at drawing and painting and don't care to go to school to learn. I love God and am thankful that He loves me back because it is really hard for me to love me most days.

This is a glimpse of me.


hisheidi said...

I appreciate your honesty. If one thing makes me sing about my faith, it is that God loves me as I am not as I should be. A book by Brennan Manning: Abba's Child, has been a help to me in fighting the lie of the "Shoulds" and maybe you might relate to his message.

I enjoy your writing voice. I am trying to put a writng club together. Have you ever thought about writing as a creative outlet? Just a thought, see you in class sometime.

Cheryl said...

Did I write this????? How did my thoughts end up on your blog?