Monday, June 28, 2004

Not to beat a dead horse but...........

I feel sick, but it is just the cereal I ate.

Church was cool, and Joe and Greg had good things to say. I am very excited about the changes. I have always wondered why we had to have church in a particular building on a particular day, but never asked the question. I really don't know a lot about God, just what I have learned over the last four years or so. Shad says I am to trusting. Perhaps, but I feel as though I can pretty much tell if a person has good or bad in their heart.

This whole thing feels right to me. I had a dream a long time ago about us having church in the middle of the desert or something. That was back when Apex didn't know were they were going to move to. I have never been worried about the success of Apex because in my eyes, they are a constant reflection of Gods love and will always touch people's hearts with living what they know and believe, weather that is in a building, on the street, the beach, at work or in our own homes. I change and learn a little every time I am around someone from the Apex family. I have already been shown that I have learned a great deal from my family by the things my best friend said recently. I didn't even know, and that is the greatest part. We shouldn't know because that is not our victory, it is God's victory.

I am looking forward to seeing everyone in August after being in India. I have no idea why I am going, other than these girls might need a mom, and the fact that I feel this is something I am supposed to do. I am going to miss my family a great deal, and my girls. They have never been away from me this long. They will change so much while I am gone, that I am sure of. I will change too. God is always working.

Okay, so for not feeling as though I had anything to say today, I have said enough!

Friday, June 25, 2004


Working out sucks, but then that is just my opinion.

Today is a work day and cleaning day. Yes, my life is filled with mystery and adventure. The girls finally have organized rooms, and I need to start painting MacKenzie's this weekend. I really want it done before I leave for India. I have plenty of paint and anyone is welcome to help. Hint hint!

On other news, there was a court date yesterday for the little girl and her grandmother who are living with my mother. The grandmother has custody until December, at which time they will see how far the mother has come. She says she will go into a program, however, she didn't show up to any of the meeting times with her daughter, and she is still using, and now she is pregnant. I was informed that she sent a lawyer in her place yesterday because if they find out she is using while she is pregnant, she will be put in jail until the child is born for child endangerment, unless she aborts the child.

She has two days to get tested, and there will be someone checking out the issues of her being pregnant. And so the story unfolds.

I have mixed feelings about the whole "abort the baby or loose it while in jail" thing. But I will keep those comments to myself. They all need prayer, and I will leave it at that.

My children are going to spend a weekend with their grandfather in San Diego in a couple of months. They will be with their cousins and fly alone. This is a big step for me, so pray, pray, pray.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

That was Cool!!!

My bestest friend in the world called me and wanted to meet up today. She said she had something important to tell me, and she had to do it in person, but first she confided in me that she had to tell about her story at church, and that Shad and I have inspired her to follow Christ. I was like, What?

She said that the way we have changed over the last few years, our dedication to God and each other has led her to want to know Him. God is so awesome! All this time I worry that I will never know the right things to say, and all I had to do was nothing at all. God rocks!

So the other news she had to tell me in person was that she is getting married!!! First he asked her son, then he asked her. Amy is so happy, and I see the love in them. They both have God in their lives and I can feel that this is good. Like it matters what I feel. I guess I just have always had a good sense of picking up on people and who they really are. He loves her and wants to do what is right in God's eyes. I see a whole new Amy emerging and it is very beautiful.

I have to confess, I bought a CD tonight. I will now have to give one up. It's the new policy.


I get really nervous when I have to talk to people about really icky stuff. Money falls in that category for me. I just need God to speak for me today and leave it at that.

On other news, my girls are on strike. They refuse to leave the house this morning due to the fact that they are not willing to travel in the truck with out air. Aren't they cute?

I had a weird dream about me being at a school, and the teacher was struggling with cleaning up her messy room, so I jumped in to help organize it, and then she had to go back to her kids, so I stayed to clean up. Two other teachers show up and start dismantling things I had just organized, and then start trying to bring all kinds of crap into the room to make it a mess, so I am refusing to let them, and literally throw them and their crap out of the room talking about "this is a classroom, not a fricken storage unit!" Then, one of them says something, and I ask her if she would treat her house church like this, and she is like "my what?" and I say "oops, I mean church, umm I mean house." And she is like, what's a house church? The funny thing is, I can't tell her.

There was another dream about me playing a game with my kids and my niece and nephew. (Rhiannon and Warren) It was some weird game where you had to find all of these clues and maps and stuff. We had to drive this funky car around and Warren wanted to hang off of the front of it backwards and up-side-down, but is was so low that he would have certainly hit his head on the ground, so I told him no and he decided he would walk instead. The game led me into a store where I immediately started organizing stuff, and was told I could have a job there if I wanted, so I agree, and then I am cleaning the mess I made with the game and this woman comes up and starts trying to take things from the box I am putting it in. I tell her she can't have any of it, and she gets all rude, and I realize that she is my boss. Then she tells me that she is going to have to cut hours and that I will have to go part time now which makes me happy because I realize that I didn't want the job in the first place.

I am very strange I know.

Happy day to you!

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Can't be with Ramone and his family today, but they are in my thoughts and prayers.

Monday, June 21, 2004


Your brain goo is welcome.

T-shirts anyone? We will have them soon.

24 days till India but who is counting?

Just a glance

Life is getting crazy and I am feeling anxiety even with meds. That is a sign of high stress. Bummer.

My day started out with MacKenzie sticking her finger in my eye to wake me up so I could just be up with her. I then turned on the TV hoping to get a few more minutes of sleep, and rolled over to get back to where I left off. The phone rings, it is Gram wanting to know if I will be on her side of town today. I say no, and she says okay and hangs up.

HMMM, she wants me to be interested in what she needs so I will call back? Perhaps, but I can't fall for it, I have other things to do.

Next Hailey wants me to make her breakfast. HMMM, she could do it herself, yet I get up and make it for her. Shad calls, he needs me to fax him some paper he forgot today. First I have to find it. Fun!

The dog wants attention so she keeps nudging me with her wet nose. I really hate that because it is all cold and yucky.

Hailey has decided she will teach her sister some piano this morning. Yea!

Just a small view into an hour of my life. Oh, today is Monday, work day. I work from home and I am late. Bummer.

Saturday, June 19, 2004


My days have been full of "stuff" to do, and I find that I am tired.

The home school convention was good. Lots of information and pretty well organized. I am very grateful to have people out there who care enough to go through the trouble of having a convention and having the resources out there for parents like us to do what we want and need to do. I now get to go through all of my catalogs and pick out the things I want for the next school year. How fun!

India is almost here. I was at Susie's and got to see and hold my ticket. How cool is that? I have a passport, and received my shots, now all I have to do is try to make some money so I can afford the rest of the trip. Perhaps I will feel better after payday, but probably not. I am going to have to change some things in the small business department if things don't change. Never mind!

So, I get to watch a movie next week with Susie, Kellinee and the four girls who are going on this trip with us and it is about India. It will give us an idea of what to expect when we get there. I am very excited, and a little nervous. I have flown a lot in my life, but only short trips. I guess I should bring a good book because we will have traveled about 28 hours by the time we get there. Two of the girls had to drop out due to family issues and that totally sucks because they really wanted to go. However, I feel that there might have been some of God in all of that anyway.

Well, I am off to listen to some of the tapes I got today from the convention. I hope I learn something. You all rock! In a suckie way. :) Yes that is a compliment.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004


Cheryl touched on something crazy honest! Cool! Now I feel like a shit for not helping. I seem to see these kinds of moments when I am just sure this person needs some help, but not able to approach because I am uncertain if this person is going to think I am a freak or something. Not just Cheryl, but just pretty much everyone I come in contact with in a situation like that. That is why I don't approach people well and talk with them. I always think for them, (as if that were possible), and then talk myself out of doing what I know must be the right thing to do. Whether it is just helping out, or just having a simple conversation. So the conclusion of what I am trying to say is I SUCK!!! But then, don't we all? There is always room for improvement. Sorry Cheryl.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

You know something's amuck when...............

I am sitting here very tired from working all day yesterday to catch up on things wondering if I am doing the right thing by trying to work and home school. Just another uncertain moment in my life that will pass.

I am all wrapped up in our trip to India and loving it. Can you imagine if we were able to do this every year? Just working towards our goal has made so many changes in these girls. Having been just like them growing up, I can see where this is going to rock their world. I am so very grateful to everyone who has been helping us out with donations and with their hard work. We have met some really cool people as well.

Well, my two extra kids are here for the day. Time for fun, fun, fun!

Friday, June 11, 2004

Sad day

The news was sad today. I cried a little.

My mind is filled with many thoughts about the trip. I keep praying for God's will to be done in this whole thing.

I am excited about church being something new. I like that we are always changing. It means we are in constant growth. That has to be healthy. The trips sound so fun, and the thought of having family reunions every month is very cool. I personally feel that we could do those reunions at a different place each month so that we are taking our church everywhere. Kind of like we already do, but not all of us realize.

My mind is having a hard time concentrating on any one thing right now as my eye lids are heavy and.........dude, that was weird.

Good night.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Here we go.......

So we had an awesome weekend of little sleep, super hot days, tons of people and frustration, but tons of fun and an outcome we never expected.

We have tickets, yet if we don't raise enough money before we go, we don't get to take the girls to India. That is because a church helped us with the tickets, and expect us to pay them before we leave next month. So, if you have an itch to help, contact myself or Susie, or Kellinee as we are having a softball tournament on June 26th to raise the funds we need. We could use tons of prayer and tons of people willing to get out there and play for a day to help out these girls. T-shirts and a BBQ lunch will be provided to all who raise money to play. For more information, email me at and let me know that you are here in Vegas wanting to help out. We are accepting donations as well and all are tax deductible.

Okay, now that I am done begging for money, my true thoughts on this trip have been changing every day. I am so excited and want this to happen so bad. I realized over the last few days that I was once one of these girls and so I can see where this kind of trip could change them in so many ways. It's changing me and I haven't even been there yet. Susie is working her butt off to make this whole thing a reality. I admire her so much for her strength and dedication. She loves these kids and really wants a chance to make a huge difference in their lives. She already has.

I am so grateful to the Carder's and the way they ooze hospitality and God's love. They have been so great to us. And every one at Apex rocks!!!!

Well, it is late and I am very tired. There is lots to do tomorrow and not enough time in the day, so I am out of here. Thanks to all who have been praying and helping.

Friday, June 04, 2004


My eyes are slowly opening and feel very dry today. Time for drops I guess.

Today is the day we get everything organized for the huge sale we are having tomorrow. It should go well. Thanks to everyone who has been helping. YOU ROCK!!!

We moved my desk last night. Could we be any funnier? We keep changing things in the house so that there might be a chance we finally are comfortable here. It has been so hard adjusting to a smaller house. I know God is teaching us much by having us here. I am learning to really appreciate what I have. I'm also learning that we have to get rid of a bunch of stuff we don't need. The girls haven't learned that yet, but are starting to. Why do we think we need so much stuff? Anyway, off to the showers and then the gym.

Movie night at my house on June 25th. Movie to be announced.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004


Well, there is a ton of work on my desk, but I am getting through it.

I feel as though church has become something different. I love to go and listen and hear about Jesus, I love to watch the people there mingle and converse, but it is not very easy at times to feel as though I am a part of it. How do you become a part of it? Are you a part of it if you are just there, or do you have to be an active part, like pray out loud or by doing something for someone? Can you be there and love on every person who walks in the door and just be yourself? Is that enough? It should be.

I feel as though it really doesn't matter if you say a word, just being in the presence of God and of others and being true to yourself should be enough. Why do we have to meet in a building? Why can't we just call one another and set a date and time in a different place every month and get together and hang out and pray and sing, eat and laugh and listen,just loving one another?

Church at the big building isn't what changed me, God changed me, but through the community of a small group of people who were willing and eager to share about the love of God. Each individual person helped with a simple word or action that they weren't even aware of. To me, that is real church. People who are willing to take a moment out of their busy schedule to give it to someone who needs it. People who remember that we are made out of love to love.

Okay, so I am just rambling. It has to happen at times. That is what I blog for.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

It is about twelve thirty and I am doing laundry, so, while I wait for the dryer, I will place some useless thoughts down in my blog.

I am trying out a new schedule so that I might be a bit more organized. Yes, another pathetic try at organization. I really want to be, but find it almost impossible. It will happen some day I guess.

Hailey got bit by a mouse today. It was a pet, and Shad thinks we should get it checked out by the doctor. I figure that if it doesn't seem to bother her by now, it's probably alright. She said that the little shit bit her and was dangling from her finger, unwilling to let go. She had to pull it of. That must have hurt bad. Had it been me, I would have probably thrown the thing across the room. Probably why it wasn't me.

We have the fundraising, mega yard sale going on this Saturday at the Carder's so make sure those of you willing stop by and have a snack or two while you brows through the huge selection of items available. We have everything from clothes to skis to CD's and miner hats. There is a washing machine, a dresser and the list just goes on. There is also another car wash on the 13th at the McDonald's on Sunset and Stephanie. Bring your dirty car and a donation. We'll see ya there.

Okay, I am done plugging the fundraiser stuff. I am starting to get tired. I think I should just go to bed. Who needs clean clothes anyway? Oh, right.

We looked at a house over by Shad's parents today. In the master bedroom, the bathroom has a huge hot tube and that is it! No sink, no shower or bath tub, just a lot of tile and a hot tub. And I am not talking the bath tub kind, I am talking the huge out door kind. What the hell was this guy thinking? Oh, lets just not go there! Get your head out of the gutter! YUCK!!

The house has potential, but needs work. Lots of it. (mostly in the master bath!!!!!) Any way, it was kind of fun to look at. Some people are very strange.

Bed time for bonzo.