Ummm

Tonight's house church was weird and I felt a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps it is just the whole newness of it all. It is far away, but big enough for the kids. It was the same as it ever was though, and I don't see yet what the plan will be, but that is all in God's hands. Perhaps as time goes on it will feel a bit more comfortable. It was nice to be able to just leave and not have to worry about cleaning up. Not that that was ever a concern anyway, but it was nice.

Tomorrow I am going to the Orchard with the girls and the play group. It should be fun. My goal is to bring home lots of fruit and pumpkins and to have as much fun as possible at the Orchard with everyone. Sounds like the opportunity for a picture moment.

Life in limbo kind of sucks right now. I really, really want to know what the future will bring Shad and I. I really want to just know if we are moving out of state, or not. I can pretty much care less where we move to. Time to read to the girls.

Cool

I am filled with excitement as I wait for the start of the new house church meeting that will not be here but there. I have talked to God about the way I was behaving and feel that I understand what was being taught.

Oh happiness

I figured out how to change some things with my blog and it makes me feel so good to know that I was able to do it. I am so computer inept, so this is a really good accomplishment for me.

Pat, pat, pat on the back for me. :)

Whoa!

I am reading The Prophet and finding it very heavy indeed. I have read it once before, but was not in a state of mind that I could really grasp a thing from it. Today it is much different.

Yawn

The end of another beautiful day. Although I have had negative self thoughts today, I refuse to listen to them. I thought I heard God in my head today telling me to trust Him, so that is what I will try harder to do.

I love to read what goes on in another's head. It reminds me.

Tomorrow is the last day of the month. I love October. I tried to not like it, but I can't. The weather gets cooler, the Moon starts to rise and looks like it could take over the sky. Like I could just reach right up and cup it in my hands and hang it in my room. Cause that is what I would do if I could scoop up the moon.

Groovy!!!!

Church last night was great. Very relaxing, so very much what I needed. I have been avoiding God's direction the last few days. I am back on track I think. My Saturday hiking trip is fast approaching. I am excited to see what God will have me experience on that morning.

Today is Library day. Can't wait to walk into the building full of books and discover all of it's mystery and watch my girls run through it with eyes full of wonder and curiosity. No time like the present.

Lazy Sunday

The storm for the most part has passed, and the work begins. That is how I feel today. Lots of cleaning, lots of laundry, lots of thoughts floating in my head.

Music seems to be the one passion I can't shake. I've had this piano tagging along in my life for years, and I have tried to get rid of it, but would suddenly change my mind. There is this strange attachment that I have to it. Memories of my father belting out beautiful ballads, and everyone gathered around him listening with smiles.

My mother wanted me to learn to play it, or give it to someone who would take better care of it. I used the piano as an isle once, to do paintings on just to piss her off and refused to take a lesson or treat it with respect. It worked and she got mad. That made me happy. (yes I am a rotten child at times.)

I never had the desire to learn to play the thing. However, recently, I have decided to do just that while teaching my girls at the same time. I am not sure why, but I can't dwell on the why's. I just have to do it and let go of the questions.

Perhaps we can make memories that will stick in the minds of my girls, and perhaps they will some day drag it along where ever they go, use it, abuse it, and so forth.

I Don't Get It?

My father has perfect timing. He always seems to call or show up right at the moment that my life is the most stressful. I don't understand how this happens, but it does. Anyway, this day has been crappy. It started out really good with a nice conversation with a good friend, and some yummy tea. As soon as I got home, the whole day changed. I was in trouble, and there was tension. Then, after a long afternoon of stress, my day got even more crappy when there was another bout of trouble and this time a "I'm going out" with the slam of a door. To top it off, my father calls to tell me he is in town for the night and wants to go eat. Okay, well, am I forgetting anything here, like I am sure I am supposed to be doing something tonight. Then, my mom shows up out of the blue, and I am just trying to pretend it is all okay. I just wanted to scream, but the children are running around all happy and in no way aware that there is any stress at all. I make a decision, I will call some one from my church family and let it out because I am in need to talk to somebody.


We decide to go out to meet my father and have a good conversation on the way. Okay, so things went well, and the stress was a bit better. Then I remember that I was supposed to call my good friend and meet her tonight. Great, more stress, and now I am just a crappy friend. Oh, and I suck at money management.

I have had worse days, and better. I was glad to see my dad, yet wish it could have been at a better time. I am sure God has his reasons for it all. Some of them I think I get, and have learned. (The money management part.)However, the whole thing with my mom showing up and my dad just happening to be in town for the day. I sure don't get it.

God is great at teaching me a lesson by allowing me to behave like a total child at times. I just wish I didn't have to make an ass out of myself in the learning process, but then if I didn't, I wouldn't learn anything would I?

A good morning so far, I woke up to the giggles of my girls, and the morning glories are in full bloom.

I am sleepy, but still awake. What's up with that?

Was just having a moment to think about the events of this last week. I am sad to be loosing a good friend because some jerk can't seem to get it together. I know things happen for a reason, but it doesn't make it any easier.

After a long talk, we have decided to not go to the new house church but instead just go to the Sunday night gathering. This will be a little difficult for me I think. I really love house church gatherings. It is for the best though. Perhaps I can start hanging out with Alicia on Tuesday nights somewhere near her house. Life is so funny.

My hands are all dry and they look really old and stuff. That's kind of wired. Sleepy time.

Wow, we just finished with our last house church here at our house and I am relieved and sad at the same time. So many things are changing, and that is what so many wanted and needed, so praise God that their prayers are being answered.

Now, the fun begins with the house as I start my dismantling. I am eager to throw things out, and pack things up. I will miss hanging with everyone every week.

Quick! Ten things I like about my mom:

1. She is stubborn
2. She taught me to be stubborn
3. She has a huge heart
4. She has only ever loved one man
5. Her love of family
6. Her ability to argue
7. Forbanders
8. Her smile
9. Her big brown eyes
10. Her spirit

Okay, ten things I like about my dad:

1. His musical talent
2. His charm and charisma
3. His blue eyes
4. His adventurous spirit
5. His wise counsel
6. His stubborn side
7. He has a huge heart
8. His ability to turn a recipe into a party
9. His soft hair
10. His impatience

Wow, I am on a roll, so ten things I like about my brother:

1. His huge heart
2. His ability to turn anything into something to laugh about
3. His blue eyes
4. His will and strength
5. His passion for family
6. His hugs
7. His smile
8. His laugh
9. His stubbon nature
10. His longing for love

Okay, ten things I like about my sister:

1. Her beautiful smile
2. Her resemblance to our father
3. Her wise counsel
4. Her wild spirit
5. Her strength
6. Her huger than huge heart
7. Her love of nature
8. Her love and devotion to her daughter
9. Her stubbon streak
10. Her laughter
11. Oh, wait, I said only ten,


Okay, so to be fair, ten things I like about me:

1. my love for my family
2. my toes
3. my eyes
4. my hair
5. my birth marks
6. my stubbornness
7. my strength
8. my ability to change my hair color when I feel the need
9. my courage
10. my ability to calmly cuss a person out in my head instead of in front of my children. (hey, no person is perfect)

Sitting here feeling blessed to be alive, married to my love, having two beautiful and gifted children, for having morning glories in the front yard, and air to breath.

Today will be our last house church here at our house. I am excited for it's future and saddened by its departure. God had blessed us with an ever growing church family who have guided us in our journey to and with God. I am so grateful to have these people in my life, and so excited to see the ways in which God is growing us all.

Happy, happy, joy, joy. House church, house boat, house boat church where people gather, they stay, they go, they explore, they fish, they catch, they let go, they settle, they hoist the anchor and then go, forever traveling on an unknown journey with the same final destination.

Great, one more thing to add to my list of to do before I die things, live on a boat.

Relationships are a mystery, and separation sucks. Having to tell a child that the hardest and most confusing thing is probably the right thing. What words can a parent use to convey their deepest emotional pain in the most soft and painless way so that the child will not get too frightened and perhaps understand to some degree the situation at hand? I can only sit back and watch it all unfold my friend, and offer my ear, my shoulder, and my prayers on the matter. I feel helpless, just wanting to be able to know the answer and yet not having it. God is in full control. We just have to trust.

Monday is here, and I don't even feel like I have finished Sunday yet. There are still so many things to do. I missed church and that just sucks. Pretty much, I slept through it, only I was here, and not there. My neck hurts, my throat hurts, and that sucks too. It will be all better in the morning though. I have read some blogs that aren't mine, and I kind of feel like I should apologize because even though they were awe inspiring, they were thoughts of people I don't really know, so I feel a bit like an intruder. Or, perhaps I should thank them for sharing their thoughts with the world so that people like me can learn a thing or two.

God, could you just let this week be the week that we find out what is going on with the whole job thing? I am a pretty patient woman when it comes to most things, but this is really starting to get to me. I would just like to see some kind of progress going on. And while you are at it, could you just accept my thanks for reminding me what a pain in the ass I really am to you what with my nagging, and my inability to trust you. I always seem to learn something when I talk to you. You rock!! Amen

Insomnia sucks. I have had it for about a year, maybe more. I thought it was getting better but I guess I am wrong.

I was driving today and looking at others in their cars and was struck with the odd way we all look sitting in these little metal boxes with wheels, polluting the air as we selfishly carry ourselves from one place to another, forgetting that God gave us legs for such a thing.

How odd it must have been to be one of the people to first experience such a thing. My grandmother was born in 1904. She was twenty in the 1920's, and thirty in the 1930's, and so on, and I often wonder what it must have been like for her to see so many things change as her life went on. She died in 1994 at the age of 90. She saw the depression, the wars, the roaring twenties, the first cars, the first televisions, the first color televisions, the women's rights movement, the first man on the moon. Unfortunately I never had much of an interest in learning about what her life was like while she was still here. I was too caught up in being a brat child, caught in my own drama, pretending to know everything. Oh the things we regret when we get older. I think about her a lot. I believe she is my guardian angel, watching over me, helping me along my path. I miss her.

Okay, I survived the game. Well, actually, I really loved the game. It was one of the best we have been at in a long time. I was screaming and yelling and jumping up and down. I almost lost my voice by the end of it all and UNLV won 33-22. There were over 36,000 people there so it was very loud, and there were a few fights which kind of sucked because while people were standing up trying to see what was going on, there were some good plays made that they all missed.

I guess I have to confess, I am truly a football fan. More so this year than ever. I will have to blame Shad for this one. Football and design shows. Those seem to be my weakness these days. What a sad case I am. It could be worse I suppose. I could be throwing time away by watching mystery Science Theatre every Saturday as well. Wait, I do that too. I guess I am a hopeless case after all. The best part of the whole night, however, was about five minutes from home when I started laughing uncontrollably for no reason what so ever. I was laughing so hard I was crying. There was really nothing funny going on, I just started laughing and couldn't stop. I laughed the whole way home. It felt good.

This morning I saw my friend Susie, and we had coffee. She is such an inspiration to me. So strong and gifted in so many ways. Sometimes I envy her freedom. Other times I envy her gift with children. God's love just oozes out of her whenever she is around a child. What an awesome gift.

"How do the stars stay up in the sky?" Try explaining that one to your five year old. Kids are the best. They teach me something new every day. And I always thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Show what I know.

So I am going to see UNLV try to beat Hawaii tonight. (Someone, please save me from my football obsessed husband!!!) Yep, can't hardly wait to get there. Didn't get enough football on Sunday and Monday night, oh, and the Thursday college games as well. (please help!)
We got better seats this time, mine is in front of his in a totally different row. At lease we aren't anywhere near the student section. Woooohoooooo! Go Rebels!(help me!)

Praise God!!!!

My phone is working and we didn't have to pay for it! This makes me so happy. Not happy that the phone is fixed, but happy that we didn't have to give our first born to pay for it.
What a good day it has been so far. I even woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of "it's all going to be okay, cause God is so in control" so I have been happy all morning.

I have picked a day for my journey in Red Rock. My birthday! It just happens to fall on a Saturday which is the perfect time of the week for me to do something without the kids. I am so stinking happy today I can hardly stand it. What is up with that? I feel like one of those people that others like to hate, you know, the kind of person who is all chipper and skippy and whoo hoo happy in your face, and all you can think of is to poke them in the eye or something. It could be the tea I just got at megacoffeegivemeallyourbucks. Noooooo, couldn't be.

I am taking this energy to the messy part of the house. You know, all of it.

Where is the love? I mean really, where is the love? I can't use my phone for five days and when I call to have someone come fix it, they want to charge $40 plus $20 for every 15 mins extra!!!! Can it be that hard to fix a stinking phone!?!?!?!?!!?!?
Does anyone else see the wrong in all of this?

Whew, okay, I feel better now. Bad air out, good air in.

I saw an old friend from when I was just a little girl. She used to watch me while my mom was at work and her mom used to make the best muffins and rice pudding. They were amazed that I remembered who they were. It was weird, but nice to see them. She told me that her sister had just lost her husband six months ago. Her sister has a six year old and a twelve year old, both girls. I can't even imagine what she is going through. Prayers to them.

I am planning a trip to the mountains, well, Red Rock. I am going to hike the loop. It is an eleven mile hike and not easy at certain points. I want to invite my church family, but I am not sure who would be interested in going. Everyone is always so busy with life. Me included. But I am making an effort to try and make sure I take time out for myself once in a while to do the things I have always wanted to do. Thanks for the book Joe, I am going to read the last chapter after all. Who isn't in denial once in a while. :b

List of some of the things I want to do before I die:
(not in any particular order)

Hike the loop
climb a mountain
build a dark room
(for developing photos silly)
Read a book a month for a year
learn to ski
write a book
get re-married to my husband
take a real honeymoon
travel the world
visit all of the states
learn to sew
learn as many languages as possible
lose the extra weight
plant a church everywhere I go
get a degree in something!
start a business
get my eyes fixed with the lazer thing
read the whole Bible, not just bits and peices
learn to play the piano
write a song
grow a garden and not kill it
learn to cook



perhaps I will add more some other time.

Oh what a day it has been and it isn't even over yet. It just stinks when you have to destroy a room with searching through old papers and other crap you never wanted to have to remember or thought you would never have to look at again.

I saw the doctor today and was pleasantly surprised by her reaction to my questions regarding some natural health remedies. She is very interested in a cream I am going to start using. Go Doctor Z!!!!

Have you ever wondered why a banana chip doesn't get all brown? And why is a grape a grape when it is all juicy and plump, but it is called a raisin when it is all shriveled up and small? An apricot is still an apricot, but it is a dried apricot. They could have just called them dried grapes.No, wait, shriveled grapes. That is kind of fun to say. SHRIVELED GRAPES.

Whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have this friend who suffers from depression just like me, only I take my pill, and this person doesn't. I wanted to yell out "just take the pills and the suffering will end!" but it really doesn't. I am tired of having to rely on a pill to keep my sanity. I am always in a state of constant contentment. I am never overly excited, or extremely depressed, I am just always fine. Where is the fun in that? Perhaps that is the problem, always being in control of my emotions causes me to not be in a state of emergency, ever. So when that is all you ever knew, I suppose it would be hard to live a "normal" life. I want to be excited about something, to loose myself in an activity. I can't seem to do that anymore. Yet, here I sit in front of the computer spilling my guts to who knows who as the time ticks away.

Maybe I am wrong, and I can get excited about things, I am just bored these days. A scary place for a person who relies on a little pill for their sanity.

I've spent a lot of time in my life giving advice to friends, and always wondering what it is that makes them think I have the knowledge that they seek. It stopped for a while, but has started up again, just when I am in the middle of trying to find my calling if you will. So I can listen and counsel, what am I to do with that?

Sometimes we want to believe that the gifts God gave us are not what he really wants us to use, but instead there must be something else out there that we have missed. I keep looking for the answers out there, but they are already right here. I just need to look closer, believe, and trust.

Trust is the hardest part.

I've been floating through the air and reaching for the stars,
I see your familiar silhouette yet I know not who you are.
As you grasp my out-stretched hand and bring me into the light,
I start to doubt your love and realize you are fading out of sight.

Cheese!

Today I spent time with my family at Red Rock. We went on some small trails, took a few pictures, talked about the desert, the plants, saw a donkey, some squirrels, and savored the fresh air and quiet. It felt good to be out of the house and away from people.

I was inspired to write, but was unable to find the time as I was busy with the kids and my husband. I have decided that I want to hike the loop, and will invite everyone from house church to join me. We can pack lunch, then pick a cool day in October and make a day of it. If no one else shows up, then what an awesome experience it will be for me and God.

There is just something about the smell of the desert, the massive beauty of the surrounding mountains, the dry wind, the hot sun. I think that for the first time, I really love where I live, and I am realizing how sad it will be to leave it all for the unknown.

It is almost funny how one of the things I longed for the most (true friendships) became a reality right when I am faced with having to leave. I will miss my friends, their kids, our coffee on Saturdays, our work outs during the week. I will miss a lot of things, but my church family the most. Sigh!

This is a new concept for me, but I feel that it might help me rest my hand from all of the writing I do in my home journal, not to mention all of the trees it saves!

I think this will be good therapy if you will. I need a way to get out the thoughts faster than my hand can write them. I don't make a lot of sense sometimes. I am a horrible speller as well, so if you read this, you will just have to deal.

I have been searching for an answer for the last few years, or maybe more, from God as to what I am to do with this life. Funny how a person who is married with children can have such an identity crisis, but I have been like this for years.

I guess I could blame it on my family, but I tried that already and realized that it just doesn't work that way. I am responsible for my actions, therefore it is my fault I am in the state I am in. Don't get me wrong, I am not bad off in any way compared to millions of other people in this world. Compared to most I have a great life. I am just not content with where I am at. (Yeah, me and millions of others. ) So, I search every day for that one sign that will tell me what to do, or which way to go. Sometimes I think I must just be blind and stupid because I still haven't seen it and yet I continue to look for it. And most days I figure it is right under my nose and God just isn't ready for me to find it. Or , I am not ready.

Anyway, strap on your seatbelts and be prepared because this is probably going to be a hell of a ride. Perhaps my purpose is to blog every event so that someone somewhere might learn a thing or two.

sam

Sunday September 14, 2003

Just beginning my first blog, and I am not sure what I am doing, but I guess I will figure it out very quickly. I am used to journaling in a book every other day, so this is a bit wierd for me.

Perhaps this will be a good learning tool for me.

I will have to see how this goes and take one day at a time.