Good Morning!

Here it is on a beautiful Sunday morning and I have just finished my toast. So, I figure it is time for another journal entry from the trip. Hope you enjoy:


Saturday-I think. Not sure of the date but will check on that later.
We had an amazing day so far. We had breakfast which consisted of toast, a banana, porrage, an egg and this potato pancake thing that was spicy but real good. I am sure I will pay for that later. After breakfast, we had a little meeting with the girls.

The girls talked about their highs and lows and voiced some concerns about being stared at. They liked it and felt guilty about that, but it also felt weird to them as well. Interesting.

While we were talking David came in and we all listened as he gave us some history on Hinduism and on some of the gods they worship. There are over 33million gods! He said that people are beginning to ask questions about the actions of these gods and finding that their gods can't give them the answers. He gave us a lot of information and the girls asked a lot of good questions. An awesome moment to watch and participate in as well.

It was then time to pile into the SUV and drive through town. It was hot and very humid and uncomfortable. So much to see on the drive. Things that tug your heart in all directions. To many emotions to process.

We were taken to the underground mall. It is what it is called. A huge mall that is under a park. We were taken to a place to exchange our money. The room was small, and so humid it was foggy. I have a ton of rupees which is kind of cool. It kind of makes you feel like you have more money than you do. I plan on bringing a few home for school purposes.

To exchange money, we had to take turns signing our travelers checks, hand them over to one guy who calculated the rate on a piece of paper, and then he passes it on to another guy. The first guy whipped out a bunch of money, and so much that it is all stapled together. The next guy filled out the exchange form, and after we sign it, we are done. It took a while for all of us to go through the process, but once we were done, it was time for shopping.

We found ourselves in a shop and before we knew it, outfits were flying everywhere! The girls picked out some very pretty clothes to wear on the train to Agra and Damoh. I wasn't so lucky so I will get to shop in Damoh and have some clothes made. I can't wait to meet Sheela. David and the other guys who's names I can't say just yet have been wonderful. I will get into that later. So after the shopping spree, we left for the Lotus Temple. Very cool looking, and again, very hot. We could see the Harri Krishna (spelling?) temple and could hear the bells ringing and the people chanting and singing. Weird. Next it was off to lunch. We had cheese pizza of all things! The place we ate at was sweltering hot and we were very tired and unsure if we wanted to continue on with the sightseeing, but sucked it up and continued the day.

We ended up at this very old temple tower that was built in the 1300's I think. Amazing that they could build such things. And the carvings were incredible. There were many native people there and they were so interested in us which is funny because we were interested in them. The sky opened up with rain and it was awesomely refreshing. We played in the rain which made us the center of attention. Oops. Suddenly everyone wanted to watch us, and take pictures with us and of us. The rain woke us all up and we were full of life once again. The best day so far.


-Well, there is some more from my journal. Hope you enjoyed it. I wasn't always awake enough to write everything as explicit as I wanted to. I left some stuff out of course. There is just so much that we were seeing and it was way too much info. to write all down. This particular day was one of the most fun for me I think. As a group anyway. If you are interested, I have tons of pictures! Have an awesome day and thanks for reading.

Hi

Home! Oh the things we take for granted in this life. A shower, a pillow, our family and friends, shoes, dry air. The list goes on.

India was awesome! There aren't enough words to describe it. 60 million people live in Delhi alone! Needless to say, there were people everywhere.

God told Susie to do something, and she did it with no questions just like in the Bible. What an awesome responsibility for her, and what awesome reward to watch all that happened.

I will begin by writing some of the stuff from my journal:

July 15th, 2004 sitting in the airport, asking the girls questions:
1. What are you most excited about?
2. What are you most excited to see?
3. What are you scared of?
4. What do you think you will learn?


July 17, 2004
We have arrived! We are at the Y and I am sharing a room with Amanda. Our trip began with an hour plane ride from Vegas to L.A., then 16 1/2 hours from L.A. to Tai Pei. Then another 7 hours to Delhi.
Each stop was the same yet different. We got on the plane, and off. We went through x-rays, customs, questions, answers, filled out forms. When we got off the plane in Delhi, I was exhausted, but full of excitement.

The place seemed small, and there were tons of people just staring at us. It felt weird. We got our bags, and started towards the exit, only to be greeted by David which gave us relief I think. The trip from the building to the bus was scary. Tons of people, men trying to grab our luggage for us, and some people asking for money. We stayed in a very tight group and followed very close to David. He had people waiting to stack our luggage on top of the very mini mini van we were riding in, and before we knew it, we were off. I remember Shad saying to remember my direction, (south, north, east and west) and realizing that I had no clue what direction I had come from, let alone which way I was going.

After what seemed a very long drive, we made it to our destination. We saw many things on that first drive in Delhi. People on bikes, motorcycles, rickshaws, all cars were small,people sleeping right out in the middle of nowhere, animals roaming the streets. We heard horns honking the whole way. They honk for everything. To say "I'm turning," "I'm right beside you, or behind you, or coming around you" and it never ends. When we arrived, there were these giant black ants. Huge!

I could write pages on just our trip here, and can't imagine what we will get to experience in the next two weeks. I miss my girls.
I think my bed spread is made of silk!
----

So that is the first couple of entries. I will write more tomorrow. I am very glad I went, and very glad to be home.

Okay, fine, I have to write. I am less than one day away from taking the longest trip I have ever taken in my life to a whole different country and I am so fricken excited that I can hardly stand it. I have to write!!!!!


So I can't sleep, can't think of anything else but India, and already have my stuff in the truck. How sad is that?! At certain moments, I can't even hardly believe it is really going to happen.

On the lowest setting on my camera I can take 999 pictures. You better believe I will take every single one of them. I already took a couple of pictures of my kids so that when I find that I'm missing them, I can just break out the camera and say hello.


We will be updating people on line, and I will be updating my blog when possible while in India. So, prayers and love to all of you and talk to you soon.

Once upon a time........

There was a young girl who loved to watch people and hear stories of their lives. They would show her pictures of the places they went to, and told the most wonderful stories about the events that happened to them there.

The young girl would dream about traveling to distant countries and of taking tons of pictures. Pictures that would remind her of every event of her trip, and would help her tell stories of her travels to her friends and their family, just as they did to her.

She dreamed of what the places would look like, smell like, taste like. But sadly, she felt she probably would never see her dreams come true.

She lived in a house with one parent and tons of family who were poor and always caught up in the drama of life. They constantly told her what a mess up she was, how she would never make anything of her life. So although she had the flame of hope in her heart, it was slowly being suffocated by the negative forces around her.

As she grew up, she began the slow decent into the abyss of selfishness. After years of abusing herself and others, she came to a point in time where she felt numb, and then finally, nothing at all.

She began taking long drives around the town, thinking of all the time she had wasted, and wondering what the purpose of her life really was. She felt alone and abandoned.

One night she found herself at a church building. Unsure of why, she later found herself inside sitting in a dark corner, listening to the stories and watching all of the people. These people had so many good and bad things to talk about, but the way they spoke of these things was different. Although they had difficult lives, they still had hope, something this girl had forgotten about a very long time ago.

Many years passed, and the girl continued to go to the church and listen to stories of Jesus.

One day, it all made sense. She realized she had never been alone during all of her dark days. Although her parents and family had abandoned her in many ways,God was right there by her side, or carrying her the whole time. She was baptized right then on the spot, in the backyard of her spiritual family's house in a horse trough.

After that night, her life changed forever. She found herself trying to be a better person, and began finding the flame of hope she had lost so long ago. She knew that one day she would find her life's purpose with God's help.

And so here I sit, ten days away from taking a trip to India to experience another culture, to hear stories of many people, and to make a record of them on film. Plus a chance to tell them my own story as well.

God is always in charge, and anything is possible with Him.

THE END
Well, not really. It's just the beginning. But you will have to wait until I get back from India to find out what happens next. And so will I. Till then..............

13 DAYS AND COUNTING!!!!!!

We leave in thirteen days, and I am very nervous about it all financially. Only for me I mean, we made our goal for the girls by the grace of God and I am so excited for them. Thanks to all who have helped out. You rock!!!

I am pissed off at a certain family member, but have been praying about it. I have to let it go because it is not in my hands. Not really. I think I need this time away to re-adjust my view on life and to learn what is most important. Not that I don't have a good idea already. But I am a work in progress like everyone else.

I spoke to my father yesterday and he sent a check, but wouldn't tell me how much it was. I hope it isn't a lot because I am sure he can't afford it. He is such a butt head some times.

I have a ton to do. Happy day.

Not to beat a dead horse but...........

I feel sick, but it is just the cereal I ate.

Church was cool, and Joe and Greg had good things to say. I am very excited about the changes. I have always wondered why we had to have church in a particular building on a particular day, but never asked the question. I really don't know a lot about God, just what I have learned over the last four years or so. Shad says I am to trusting. Perhaps, but I feel as though I can pretty much tell if a person has good or bad in their heart.

This whole thing feels right to me. I had a dream a long time ago about us having church in the middle of the desert or something. That was back when Apex didn't know were they were going to move to. I have never been worried about the success of Apex because in my eyes, they are a constant reflection of Gods love and will always touch people's hearts with living what they know and believe, weather that is in a building, on the street, the beach, at work or in our own homes. I change and learn a little every time I am around someone from the Apex family. I have already been shown that I have learned a great deal from my family by the things my best friend said recently. I didn't even know, and that is the greatest part. We shouldn't know because that is not our victory, it is God's victory.

I am looking forward to seeing everyone in August after being in India. I have no idea why I am going, other than these girls might need a mom, and the fact that I feel this is something I am supposed to do. I am going to miss my family a great deal, and my girls. They have never been away from me this long. They will change so much while I am gone, that I am sure of. I will change too. God is always working.

Okay, so for not feeling as though I had anything to say today, I have said enough!

News

Working out sucks, but then that is just my opinion.

Today is a work day and cleaning day. Yes, my life is filled with mystery and adventure. The girls finally have organized rooms, and I need to start painting MacKenzie's this weekend. I really want it done before I leave for India. I have plenty of paint and anyone is welcome to help. Hint hint!


On other news, there was a court date yesterday for the little girl and her grandmother who are living with my mother. The grandmother has custody until December, at which time they will see how far the mother has come. She says she will go into a program, however, she didn't show up to any of the meeting times with her daughter, and she is still using, and now she is pregnant. I was informed that she sent a lawyer in her place yesterday because if they find out she is using while she is pregnant, she will be put in jail until the child is born for child endangerment, unless she aborts the child.

She has two days to get tested, and there will be someone checking out the issues of her being pregnant. And so the story unfolds.

I have mixed feelings about the whole "abort the baby or loose it while in jail" thing. But I will keep those comments to myself. They all need prayer, and I will leave it at that.

My children are going to spend a weekend with their grandfather in San Diego in a couple of months. They will be with their cousins and fly alone. This is a big step for me, so pray, pray, pray.

That was Cool!!!

My bestest friend in the world called me and wanted to meet up today. She said she had something important to tell me, and she had to do it in person, but first she confided in me that she had to tell about her story at church, and that Shad and I have inspired her to follow Christ. I was like, What?

She said that the way we have changed over the last few years, our dedication to God and each other has led her to want to know Him. God is so awesome! All this time I worry that I will never know the right things to say, and all I had to do was nothing at all. God rocks!

So the other news she had to tell me in person was that she is getting married!!! First he asked her son, then he asked her. Amy is so happy, and I see the love in them. They both have God in their lives and I can feel that this is good. Like it matters what I feel. I guess I just have always had a good sense of picking up on people and who they really are. He loves her and wants to do what is right in God's eyes. I see a whole new Amy emerging and it is very beautiful.



I have to confess, I bought a CD tonight. I will now have to give one up. It's the new policy.

Yuck

I get really nervous when I have to talk to people about really icky stuff. Money falls in that category for me. I just need God to speak for me today and leave it at that.

On other news, my girls are on strike. They refuse to leave the house this morning due to the fact that they are not willing to travel in the truck with out air. Aren't they cute?

I had a weird dream about me being at a school, and the teacher was struggling with cleaning up her messy room, so I jumped in to help organize it, and then she had to go back to her kids, so I stayed to clean up. Two other teachers show up and start dismantling things I had just organized, and then start trying to bring all kinds of crap into the room to make it a mess, so I am refusing to let them, and literally throw them and their crap out of the room talking about "this is a classroom, not a fricken storage unit!" Then, one of them says something, and I ask her if she would treat her house church like this, and she is like "my what?" and I say "oops, I mean church, umm I mean house." And she is like, what's a house church? The funny thing is, I can't tell her.


There was another dream about me playing a game with my kids and my niece and nephew. (Rhiannon and Warren) It was some weird game where you had to find all of these clues and maps and stuff. We had to drive this funky car around and Warren wanted to hang off of the front of it backwards and up-side-down, but is was so low that he would have certainly hit his head on the ground, so I told him no and he decided he would walk instead. The game led me into a store where I immediately started organizing stuff, and was told I could have a job there if I wanted, so I agree, and then I am cleaning the mess I made with the game and this woman comes up and starts trying to take things from the box I am putting it in. I tell her she can't have any of it, and she gets all rude, and I realize that she is my boss. Then she tells me that she is going to have to cut hours and that I will have to go part time now which makes me happy because I realize that I didn't want the job in the first place.


I am very strange I know.

Happy day to you!

Can't be with Ramone and his family today, but they are in my thoughts and prayers.

Welcome

Your brain goo is welcome.

T-shirts anyone? We will have them soon.

24 days till India but who is counting?

Just a glance

Life is getting crazy and I am feeling anxiety even with meds. That is a sign of high stress. Bummer.

My day started out with MacKenzie sticking her finger in my eye to wake me up so I could just be up with her. I then turned on the TV hoping to get a few more minutes of sleep, and rolled over to get back to where I left off. The phone rings, it is Gram wanting to know if I will be on her side of town today. I say no, and she says okay and hangs up.

HMMM, she wants me to be interested in what she needs so I will call back? Perhaps, but I can't fall for it, I have other things to do.

Next Hailey wants me to make her breakfast. HMMM, she could do it herself, yet I get up and make it for her. Shad calls, he needs me to fax him some paper he forgot today. First I have to find it. Fun!

The dog wants attention so she keeps nudging me with her wet nose. I really hate that because it is all cold and yucky.

Hailey has decided she will teach her sister some piano this morning. Yea!

Just a small view into an hour of my life. Oh, today is Monday, work day. I work from home and I am late. Bummer.

Howdy!

My days have been full of "stuff" to do, and I find that I am tired.

The home school convention was good. Lots of information and pretty well organized. I am very grateful to have people out there who care enough to go through the trouble of having a convention and having the resources out there for parents like us to do what we want and need to do. I now get to go through all of my catalogs and pick out the things I want for the next school year. How fun!

India is almost here. I was at Susie's and got to see and hold my ticket. How cool is that? I have a passport, and received my shots, now all I have to do is try to make some money so I can afford the rest of the trip. Perhaps I will feel better after payday, but probably not. I am going to have to change some things in the small business department if things don't change. Never mind!

So, I get to watch a movie next week with Susie, Kellinee and the four girls who are going on this trip with us and it is about India. It will give us an idea of what to expect when we get there. I am very excited, and a little nervous. I have flown a lot in my life, but only short trips. I guess I should bring a good book because we will have traveled about 28 hours by the time we get there. Two of the girls had to drop out due to family issues and that totally sucks because they really wanted to go. However, I feel that there might have been some of God in all of that anyway.

Well, I am off to listen to some of the tapes I got today from the convention. I hope I learn something. You all rock! In a suckie way. :) Yes that is a compliment.

Whoa

Cheryl touched on something crazy honest! Cool! Now I feel like a shit for not helping. I seem to see these kinds of moments when I am just sure this person needs some help, but not able to approach because I am uncertain if this person is going to think I am a freak or something. Not just Cheryl, but just pretty much everyone I come in contact with in a situation like that. That is why I don't approach people well and talk with them. I always think for them, (as if that were possible), and then talk myself out of doing what I know must be the right thing to do. Whether it is just helping out, or just having a simple conversation. So the conclusion of what I am trying to say is I SUCK!!! But then, don't we all? There is always room for improvement. Sorry Cheryl.

You know something's amuck when...............

I am sitting here very tired from working all day yesterday to catch up on things wondering if I am doing the right thing by trying to work and home school. Just another uncertain moment in my life that will pass.

I am all wrapped up in our trip to India and loving it. Can you imagine if we were able to do this every year? Just working towards our goal has made so many changes in these girls. Having been just like them growing up, I can see where this is going to rock their world. I am so very grateful to everyone who has been helping us out with donations and with their hard work. We have met some really cool people as well.

Well, my two extra kids are here for the day. Time for fun, fun, fun!

Sad day

The news was sad today. I cried a little.

My mind is filled with many thoughts about the trip. I keep praying for God's will to be done in this whole thing.

I am excited about church being something new. I like that we are always changing. It means we are in constant growth. That has to be healthy. The trips sound so fun, and the thought of having family reunions every month is very cool. I personally feel that we could do those reunions at a different place each month so that we are taking our church everywhere. Kind of like we already do, but not all of us realize.

My mind is having a hard time concentrating on any one thing right now as my eye lids are heavy and.........dude, that was weird.

Good night.

Here we go.......

So we had an awesome weekend of little sleep, super hot days, tons of people and frustration, but tons of fun and an outcome we never expected.

We have tickets, yet if we don't raise enough money before we go, we don't get to take the girls to India. That is because a church helped us with the tickets, and expect us to pay them before we leave next month. So, if you have an itch to help, contact myself or Susie, or Kellinee as we are having a softball tournament on June 26th to raise the funds we need. We could use tons of prayer and tons of people willing to get out there and play for a day to help out these girls. T-shirts and a BBQ lunch will be provided to all who raise money to play. For more information, email me at smatheny1@earthlink.net and let me know that you are here in Vegas wanting to help out. We are accepting donations as well and all are tax deductible.

Okay, now that I am done begging for money, my true thoughts on this trip have been changing every day. I am so excited and want this to happen so bad. I realized over the last few days that I was once one of these girls and so I can see where this kind of trip could change them in so many ways. It's changing me and I haven't even been there yet. Susie is working her butt off to make this whole thing a reality. I admire her so much for her strength and dedication. She loves these kids and really wants a chance to make a huge difference in their lives. She already has.

I am so grateful to the Carder's and the way they ooze hospitality and God's love. They have been so great to us. And every one at Apex rocks!!!!

Well, it is late and I am very tired. There is lots to do tomorrow and not enough time in the day, so I am out of here. Thanks to all who have been praying and helping.

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My eyes are slowly opening and feel very dry today. Time for drops I guess.

Today is the day we get everything organized for the huge sale we are having tomorrow. It should go well. Thanks to everyone who has been helping. YOU ROCK!!!

We moved my desk last night. Could we be any funnier? We keep changing things in the house so that there might be a chance we finally are comfortable here. It has been so hard adjusting to a smaller house. I know God is teaching us much by having us here. I am learning to really appreciate what I have. I'm also learning that we have to get rid of a bunch of stuff we don't need. The girls haven't learned that yet, but are starting to. Why do we think we need so much stuff? Anyway, off to the showers and then the gym.

Movie night at my house on June 25th. Movie to be announced.

Thoughts

Well, there is a ton of work on my desk, but I am getting through it.

I feel as though church has become something different. I love to go and listen and hear about Jesus, I love to watch the people there mingle and converse, but it is not very easy at times to feel as though I am a part of it. How do you become a part of it? Are you a part of it if you are just there, or do you have to be an active part, like pray out loud or by doing something for someone? Can you be there and love on every person who walks in the door and just be yourself? Is that enough? It should be.

I feel as though it really doesn't matter if you say a word, just being in the presence of God and of others and being true to yourself should be enough. Why do we have to meet in a building? Why can't we just call one another and set a date and time in a different place every month and get together and hang out and pray and sing, eat and laugh and listen,just loving one another?

Church at the big building isn't what changed me, God changed me, but through the community of a small group of people who were willing and eager to share about the love of God. Each individual person helped with a simple word or action that they weren't even aware of. To me, that is real church. People who are willing to take a moment out of their busy schedule to give it to someone who needs it. People who remember that we are made out of love to love.

Okay, so I am just rambling. It has to happen at times. That is what I blog for.

It is about twelve thirty and I am doing laundry, so, while I wait for the dryer, I will place some useless thoughts down in my blog.

I am trying out a new schedule so that I might be a bit more organized. Yes, another pathetic try at organization. I really want to be, but find it almost impossible. It will happen some day I guess.

Hailey got bit by a mouse today. It was a pet, and Shad thinks we should get it checked out by the doctor. I figure that if it doesn't seem to bother her by now, it's probably alright. She said that the little shit bit her and was dangling from her finger, unwilling to let go. She had to pull it of. That must have hurt bad. Had it been me, I would have probably thrown the thing across the room. Probably why it wasn't me.


We have the fundraising, mega yard sale going on this Saturday at the Carder's so make sure those of you willing stop by and have a snack or two while you brows through the huge selection of items available. We have everything from clothes to skis to CD's and miner hats. There is a washing machine, a dresser and the list just goes on. There is also another car wash on the 13th at the McDonald's on Sunset and Stephanie. Bring your dirty car and a donation. We'll see ya there.

Okay, I am done plugging the fundraiser stuff. I am starting to get tired. I think I should just go to bed. Who needs clean clothes anyway? Oh, right.

We looked at a house over by Shad's parents today. In the master bedroom, the bathroom has a huge hot tube and that is it! No sink, no shower or bath tub, just a lot of tile and a hot tub. And I am not talking the bath tub kind, I am talking the huge out door kind. What the hell was this guy thinking? Oh, lets just not go there! Get your head out of the gutter! YUCK!!

The house has potential, but needs work. Lots of it. (mostly in the master bath!!!!!) Any way, it was kind of fun to look at. Some people are very strange.

Bed time for bonzo.

Church rocks!!

I had a very good time at church tonight. I thought the whole thing was groovy. Sheba was so happy to be out of the house, and we will have to do that more often.

Life has been moving right along, and a little too quickly I might add. I see all of these people having babies, and it makes me sad that we can't. I will be too old soon anyway. I love my girls, and sometimes long for a little boy. We are blessed with two awesome girls.

So, anyone for movie night?

Happy Day

I am very happy today. Don't ask me why, I have no idea. I haven't even had my happy pill yet. There is just this feeling of good in my heart and I am happy.

Why do I share such silly things? Right!

I miss Debb and the boys.

Life is like a taco, yummy looking on the outside, but a big stinking mess on the inside.

Why do we let pride get in the way of friendship?

Cool

So, I was in need of a change, and since I can't afford to change my hair color right now, I decided to change my blog. Change is good.

My job is getting both harder and easier at the same time. Yes, that is possible. I am almost totally caught up, but there are all of these changes going on, and so many people to please these days. It is hard at times.

Yesterday I almost had a melt down, but managed to make it through, and it all turned out alright. God is always there.

India is getting closer and we are struggling to make it happen. I am praying a lot about the church helping us out. I am worried that we will not make it, and then these girls will be let down, yet at the same time, they are learning so much already just by working hard to get there. We just have to keep looking forward.

Prayers to you all.

This blog just ate my last entry!!!! What a jerk!!!

Whoa

The weekend was good, and life is good, and my kids are good, and my husband is good.

It's all good.


I have one of my niece and nephews tomorrow for the day. It should be interesting as they were real stinkers last week. This up coming party weekend should be interesting to say the least. Lots of things to do all of the time.

My ten year anniversary is this week. Ten years of frustration, confusion, love, admiration, pain, laughter, sorrow, joy, excitement, horror, lessons, growing.......... I wouldn't change any of it.

What I know, or have learned about marriage:

It takes love and patience.
It is not easy.
There isn't any kind of owners manual.
Kids should come AFTER marriage.
You have to pick your battles.
I really don't like hangers in the bathroom just piling up on the towel rack.
Someone has to learn how to cook or you will starve, or go broke.
I can still have fun and be my self.
Laundry never ends, it just keeps going, and going, and going,.....
Just because the little chapel you were married at in down town Las Vegas was torn down doesn't mean your doomed.
God is in control.
The list could go on, but I am sure you are fighting to stay awake as it is.
Just know that marriage sucks at times for everyone at some points, and really rocks at other times. It's all good!!

Why does Shad torture me so!!?? All I want is to be able to use my computer to do the things I need to do. Why must he change things every other month? It is driving me insane! I know, stupid thing to care about. It is just one of those things, like when the hangers are still hanging on the towel rack in the morning. I really don't like that. Yes, I am a freak. Get over it. I did.

This weekend is going to end up busy like all of the others. No big deal really. I look forward to parts of it, like taking care of the Boyd boys for a couple of hours. They play so good, with lots of energy and laughter. They are such a blessing.

My reports were all a mess tonight, but I think I figured out what I needed to, so things can only get better from here. Yes, I do try to think positively at times. I'm holding my brothers lotto ticket for ransom, in case he wins something. So far, he won two dollars. He can't pay off my mortgage with that. But he could buy me an ice cream.

So, can you tell I am trying to avoid some responsibilities? I have about thirty butterflies to cut out, ten vases to fill, and lots of paperwork to work on. Plus I get to whip up a bunch of kabobs tomorrow for Sunday. Soooo, I think I will go color in my color book.

Funny how life is.

On other news, I am in charge of the decorations for a party next week and let me tell you, this is exciting. Oh, and expensive as well. I have managed to spend $151 on stuff, and wondered today what was going to happen to all of it. Can you recycle streamers? I also have the delightful job of putting together some kind of activity to pass the time. I thought the kids could do some kind of dance or something. Or maybe have the adults do some kind of skit. Anyway, it should be fun none the less.

So the school year is about up and my children are still doing school. That is because I can't seem to figure out when or if we should stop. I mean, don't we school our kids every day anyway? I have other things I can spend my time worrying about I guess.

I talked to my dad about India again and he is still against me going, but said he would bring a check next weekend. I thought that was funny. He is going to be here for my brother's graduation. My brother has a BA now or something. He wants to be a lawyer some day. Yes, one of my relatives wants to study law. Now that is kind of funny.

I have issues, so I guess I will go color now. I bought me a new coloring book. It is so cool. Ask me and I will show it to you. God is in charge, not you, so just go with the flow. It's all about love.

Good Morning

Just a quick thought before I start my work day.

My ten year anniversary is approaching. I feel as though we have been married for many more years than that, but only because we have been living together for about fifteen years. It is something I never thought I would do. I never thought I would be married, or would have children. I am so grateful to be where I am today. Feelings of wonder, amazement, and thankfulness fill my head and heart today.

On to other things. Work day is here, and I am oh so not looking forward to it. Only because I have lots to do. However, it will feel great to end the day with a bunch of things accomplished. Blessings to all of you.

Have a happily blessed day.

I don't like to make commitments because I suck at keeping them. However, there are a few that I have kept that I am not giving myself credit for I guess. No matter, because it still sucks when the person you love keeps reminding you of how bad you are at keeping commitments. I just suck at follow through and I have dealt with this my whole life, so I struggle with it today because I have had to teach myself how to deal with responsibility. I guess those who don't suffer from this don't understand fully. The fact that I can't remember shit causes me to suffer as well. I am getting better I guess, and there is always room for improvement. So I will continue to struggle, but God will guide me. Nothing is impossible with God.

So, now that I have fulfilled me commitment to write this blog tonight, I am off to fulfill other commitments.
Pray

Okay.............

My first day with the "New Business" pretty much sucked. I thought I would handle it one way and handled it totally another. All in all, I have made it through. However, I have a million things to do tomorrow, and I already feel anxiety about it. That is not a feeling I have had in a while. Hmmmm, perhaps the medicine is not working? Anyway, I just need to keep with the schedule as best as I can.

meanwhile, my mom is asking for money again. This means that if I take it to her, I will have to get up early and drive over there while the girls whine about always going some place. I just want to clean my house and catch up on paper work.

Pray for me.

Time for bed.

So there is no trip planned for the Bahamas, but I did color my hair. No big surprise to those who know me well. Thanks Debb, you are so awesome! You better know I am here for you always.

My days are going along and I am surviving. There has been no large catastrophe, and I have made it this far just fine with God in charge. I guess things are never as bad as we think. I made a little money for India on a party I had today. I just thank God for it all.

I was driving and listening to music and had this overwhelming feeling of happiness and peacefulness. Like even though I have all of this stuff going on, everything is still okay. My work pile is about to topple over onto the floor, so I guess I should get some of it done.

Help!

My computer is freaking out!!! I keep having pop ups and other crap. It is very frustrating and pisses me off.

So, I feel stressed. I have a lot on my plate these days and I am not getting things done in an organized manner. I can't seem to get a routine going. I am aggravated. I think I could use some help, but from who? I am stress eating all of the time, and I feel like running away. Can I just quit? Maybe go away to the beach or the mountains. Hide out like a hermit for a week or two or three.

Color my hair, change my name and move to the Bahamas.

What comes around...........

So a very long time ago, back in the 80's I broke my leg, and my mother took a whole afternoon of convincing to take me to the hospital. Finally when she did, she was told my leg was broke and we had to see an orthopedic specialist. Finally, the end result was surgery. My mother was convinced in the beginning that I was wrong about my leg being broken, and then I was made fun of the whole time.

Well, yesterday my mother broke her arm. She was convinced it was just a dislocated shoulder, but no, it was broken. Now she has to go see an orthopedic specialist, and possibly have surgery. Did I remind her of that oh so long ago time back in the 80's when I was made fun of? You better believe it!! But in a much nicer way.

Life sure is strainge. Last night I had a dream that I was with a few people who were trying to get away from this crazy guy who wanted to kill us all. We hid in a room, and I tried to keep him from getting inside, but he managed to get in. He was with a bunch of other people who were waiting for him, and he told us to stay out of site and he would let us live. He then started shooting and making a mess of the place and then left. We were so afraid of being killed. When we were finally able to leave the house, we were still worried about being seen by the others who were with him. I kept wanting to stay in a closet with the door to my back so that I knew no one was behind me. Weird!

The wind is whipping today, and I am not about to go out for anything unless it is super important. But that means the girls will have to stay in today as well. I see a very cool art project in our future. Something big and that can hang on the wall. Or we could start painting MacKenzie's room today. Or we could clean the house and organize things. Or we could watch a movie with some popcorn and soda. Or we could play games. Or we could...................................

Hi

Feeling down last night, I decided to go work out at ten. I was there for an hour and had a good workout. I will probably go again tonight. I think I have to be one of the worst friends around these days. I don't like the fact that my lack of self discipline, and ignorant nature causes friction in my relationships. I am selfish and uncaring at times, and very lazy about certain responsibilities. A very poor role model for my children these days.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.


Pray for Kristy - she is loosing her mind on drugs, and is now homeless.

I just shoveled rock for twenty minutes and now I feel like an old woman. Don't ask me to explain.

I was thinking about music. I love it. All of it. Well, most of it. It fills me with emotion and I like that.

Well, where have I gone today? Perhaps one step further, yet not all that far.

We have a new bed. We broke down and got a good one so that we won't have to keep spending money on junk every year. This one should last us a very long time. The thing is huge, but so very comfortable. Oh what things we take for granted in this life.

Wait..

Although, it isn't about what you do, it is about trust. Do I trust? Do you? It is all so confusing yet so simple. Is it? I need some time to pray things through and just let go. But then is that going to help me? Or is that a lack of trust?

Perhaps I need, no, THAT would be a lack of trust. Just accept.

AArrrrggg

So I have been having this problem with questioning my reasons for going to India, and then I just talked myself into the answer, or well, into the light. God is so good at that. I suck at follow through because I fear failure. You don't fail if you don't do, however I know that is the lie I tell myself. In reality, if you don't "live a courageous life" then you aren't even trying and then you really are failing. So, I totally get this in my head. I am trying to talk myself out of going so that I won't fail. However, I failed to realize that I would figure it out, so my plan has failed. Follow me?

Reading a book

Have you read The Five People You Meet In Heaven?

What?

Can't hear you, I have my head in the clouds. The wind has been blowing them right by me, and for some reason, I find my self lost in them. How tranquil it is to wonder around, oblivious to the signs God puts in my way. Tranquil until I fall back to reality, WHAM!!!! And find that my world has been turned up-side-down and all due to my own ignorance. Life is grand!

So, that is where I am at right now. Realizing that I have had my head in the clouds about some things, and I know now that I must deal with these demons or suffer a worse fate. All things are possible with God. Pray for me.

How weird it is to realize that someone might actually read the thoughts that spill out of my brain.

I sit here this morning wondering if I am doing the right things in my life. How do I know if I am following the right path? Faith.

I Love Shad!!!

I love my husband. He has set up my office so that I can email and blog and everything else right here. I even have a nice screen so I don't go blind!! He loves me, he really loves me!!

Okay, so enough of that crap. I have a ton of work to do, so I am out of here.

Happy Birthday Joe! (belated)

Why do I .....

Why do I open my big mouth and give my opinion about anything?

Oh well, I guess I am stuck. So, my dad called today and asked me if I had seen The Passion movie and I told him yes, and he said he didn't want to, and well, it started a conversation between the two of us about God. Something that we have never spoken of to each other before. Weird, but cool at the same time.

My dog loves Frosty Paws. I think she is addicted. We picked some up at the store the other day and every time I open the freezer, she sits and starts licking her chops while giving me that look of desperation. I love my dog. She is my fatty dog and so cute!!!

I have a party on the first of May which I am happy about because this will help me with my funds for India. There has been some support trickling in, and we are so grateful for that. My father even said he would send some funds which is funny because he totally thinks it is dumb for me to want to go there. One day he might understand. I won't lose any sleep over it.

My dog is wanting to play, so I have to go. She keeps nudging my arm with her cold wet nose. Oh, now she is pouting.

I can see.

I visited my eye doctor today for a follow up to my laser redo on my right eye. I see so good now, and what a blessing it is. I'm even having trouble driving because I want to just look at everything I could see before. I guess it is time to get the license change.

There seems to be a lot of confusion going on about church service. If church is church no matter where you have it, doesn't that mean that it is okay if some like to have it at a special place, at a special time and some don't? And what is all of the confusion about the children and classes?

I suppose I am very clueless about it all, but it seems to me that when we have children, it is our obligation and God given duty to raise them to the best of our ability to be God loving individuals. Not anyone else's job, but ours. Why is it so hard for us to accept the responsibility? It is my opinion that we have been programmed by our parents with what they were taught. So really, we continue those lessons we feel were useful to us, and change the ones we feel didn't work. We can't be judging others on they way they choose to raise their kids, we can only choose to raise ours the way we feel is best and trust that God is in charge. So what if some people don't gather in one place on the same day of every week at the same time. Perhaps they are having church in another way some place else at that moment in time. God only knows. I think we can only do what we feel led to by God and know that we are doing His will in our work and life.

But that is just my opinion and thought for the day. I could change my mind later and have another opinion tomorrow. My God given right.

And................What do I know?

Wooohoooo!

Just felt the need.

Well, today was a productive day, but I still have so much to do. I need to take in some extra work or something to make my money for my trip. God will provide the answer.

We have had a good school day so far. Both girls are whining only ever so slightly.

Well, there is just so much excitement that a person can handle, so I guess I will go.

blessings to everyone, and to all a good night. Uh, what ever.

What is there to do on a rainy day? How about painting with little ones and then P.E. with a gym full of screaming home schoolers. It was fun.

My eye feels tired. I have been feeling so good that I think I might have over done it a bit. I woke up today with my eye feeling like it was glued shut and now I am seeing a little foggy. Not like the last few days. Perhaps I just need to keep in mind that while it doesn't hurt, it is still healing. Maybe I just need a nap. Then, well, some music and then another nap.

Yes, I must nap.

God is funny sometimes. I was all upset and stressed out over things for some reason, and then I hear just what I needed to hear to understand that God is in control and I am in the right direction.

I received a call from one of my sister-in-laws and she was very supportive of our India trip. It feels good to hear that it is supported by most. I am getting more letters out tomorrow. It is on my list of priorities for tomorrow. I hope tonight wasn't the night of the Girls Party night thing because if it is, I am so missing it.

I have a ton of things to get done and I am so tired.

God is pointing to India

Well, after much prayer, I have decided to take the job of chaperone on the "Middle Schoolers Teaching and Coaching in India" trip. It will be me and Susie and seven of her students/basketball team girls on a wild ride to India and back. I am very excited and anxious to get things rolling. The first job is done. We have made our letters to send out asking for financial support. The rest is up to God. We need a total of $18,000 to get us all there. Obviously we need a ton of prayer as this is a huge goal to shoot for by mid July. If anyone is interested in finding out how to help support our efforts to give seven girls ( and two adults) a once in a life time educational chance, you can email me at smatheny1@cox.net and I will send you a copy of our letter.

In the meantime I have lots of letters to get out to family and friends to let them in on our plans. I am so excited to be able to do this, and to have the opportunity to learn about and share the culture of India.

Yoga Rocks!

Had my first yoga class today and it was wonderful. I first read a book on it because I felt that I should know more about it before I busted in on a session. It was great to hear the positioning names and know what they were talking about. I have finally found the exercise I like and possibly love to do. I am going again soon. I knew that there had to be an exercise I would like out there somewhere in the world.

Shad is doing his own thing today which is a major change from every other weekend. Kind of nice and bizarre at the same time. We usually spend our time together on the weekends doing stuff. I get to shut the television off and blast the music. Oh happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Movie night is here tonight. It should be fun. I feel the need to clean something.............................................................................................................................See ya.

My mom just had her birthday today. She is 60. Mom dresses like she is an 80 year old most of the time, so today for her birthday, I dyed her hair and put make up on her and styled her hair. I even told her that she is beautiful. For those who know me and read this, you know what a big deal that is. Then my brother and I took her to dinner.

I feel large and lazy. Oh, right, I am.

I just totally erased my last thought because I was not willing to share. How selfish of me. You will get over it I am sure. I know I did. My dog is feeling alone these days because we have not been home much. Yes, there are some guilty feelings, however, I can make it up to her by taking her on a walk tomorrow morning. She loves to drag me around the block. She is so funny when she is mad.


Life is like a large plate of pasta, you figure it out.

Spit!

Have you ever felt the need to walk out and spit? I feel like that today. Like I have a huge phlegm to just get out. Not an actual phlegm in my mouth that traveled from my nose to my throat, but like an irritation that just needs to leave.

Anyway, last night I ended up at the Canyon Ridge service again while waiting on my daughter. They said something that I never realized before. I have never put that much thought into it really, but anyway, it was that all religions are about what you DO and that Christianity is about what has been DONE. (This is something someone wrote about, can't remember who) Like you have to pray this way to be blessed, and you have to do this or that to receive blessings, but in Christianity you come to realize that Jesus already did what needed to be done for everything you have done and will do, so now it is time to love and learn to be a community of God loving people doing His will in the world. Just thought that was super interesting.

Today I will be painting a room with sky and trees and hills of grass, flowers and Power Puffs. Yes, I said Power Puffs. My daughter will sketch them on the wall and I will paint them. Under her direction of course. I am looking forward to Movie night, the house should be quit a mess. It is all in the name of love baby!

School time!

We are learning about Spain. Not because of anything that has happened lately, but because we picked Spain for our "Trip Around the World in a Day" project. I found these really great sounding recipes that I want Hailey to make, and we found this cool web site that had pictures of Pasetas all the way from 1800 to 1996. Now they use the Euro, but I think that the Pasetas were much more beautiful and detailed. Anyway, we have a few pictures getting blown up as well. All in all, for not having a clue as to what we are truly doing, I think we are doing alright. We are quickly running out of time, and I don't think we have taken enough time in studying all that we should have. But then, that is the great thing about Home Schooling so I am learning. We can take as much time as we want on a subject and bring everything into it.

The girl's beds will be here tomorrow!!!! I am so excited as this means I get to paint and decorate. Shad is certainly thrilled. Yes, that was a joke. I am going to do Hailey's room first. It will be the easiest I think. Anyone know anything about making curtains? I am sure it can't be that hard. I will have to borrow my mom's sewing machine. Although that could be dangerous. I have never used one before. How hard can it be?

I think I have finally found the right color to finish off my living room painting. Shad doesn't know it yet, but I am going to paint the rest of the living room while he is gone. He will be so happy when he gets back. Yes, that was another joke. Not the part about me painting, the other part, well, you get it.

All in His name

We went, we smelled, and we conquered. I was filled with many different emotions as we were taking garbage bag, after garbage bag out of the dim, stench filled trailer that had been called home to a beautiful six year old and her drug addicted mother. At times, I had to just bite my tongue and remember that this is God's agenda, and He is in control of the situation. It is hard to believe that this little girl is just one of millions who live this way. Luckily this girl, for now, doesn't have to live in filth anymore. But what happens now? I can't help but feel like there must be more I could do.

What happens when this mother tries to take her child to another filth hole? I know, it is not up to me to fix this, yet I long to do so. I need prayer, but this family needs it more than I do. Pray that God protects this child, and that His will is done.

Bummer

Only one person I know has volunteered to help me with my cleaning project for my family in need on Saturday, and it is a maybe at best for her. I have a feeling that I might end up being the only one to show up and help with this issue. But, that is alright because I know that this is the direction God is guiding me in. This whole experience has been such a blessing all around. I have to organize some tools I will need, and prepare for the possibility of being a loner on this one. God is so good. As for other things in my life, well, they all seem to be falling into place since I starting really just focusing on God and His path. It feels really good. I had a dream last night that I walked in to my room and Shad was kneeling down, praying.

India has been more and more on my mind these days. I am not sure I am the right one to go. I want to, but then I wonder if it is for the right reasons. I know I want to help, but then, there is this fear inside that tells me I might be trying to follow my plan and not God's. Perhaps I am to help others get to go, and that is to be my involvement only. I need to pray about this a lot more. I miss Susie. I wonder what she is doing this Saturday??? :)

Happy luck-o-the Irish to ya!!!

I am tired. The last two days of running around taking care of others has wiped me out. But it has strengthened my heart as well. It feels good to help others. To see the smile on their faces and to hear them thank God for the help. I hope that they remember that it is God, and not me, that they should be thanking. He's the one in charge.

I still don't know how I will come up with enough people to help with the clean up. I have only had one response to my email. I guess I just need to leave it in God's hands. If I end up the only one there, so be it.

God has given me the chance to do His work by helping a family in need. I talk to them about God, and right in front of my mother. :) Yes, she has been witness to all that God is providing lately. It feels good. We are actually getting closer while this is going on. Weird!!!!!

Just thought I would throw out there that I need help cleaning a trailer on Saturday, so if anyone actually reads this, and knows who I am, and would like to donate a few hours on Saturday morning to clean up a trashed trailer, call me.

Sad stuff

My mother took in a long time family friend and her grand-daughter. These people have nothing but the clothes on their backs right now. I took over what I had in the way of clothes for the little girl, but was so angry when I left. How this little girl's mother can be so, well, I am not the one to judge am I. It makes me mad though. I want to be able to fix it, but know that I can't. I am going to try to make it a point to hang out over there as much as possible so that the little girl will have kids to play with. She is so lonely and has been through so much. This is the kind of situation that makes me question God's motives. But I know that the plan is way larger than I can see. Pray for this girl. She needs it, as well as so many others out there in the world with drug addicted parents.

Wow, God rocks! So I am sitting there bitching at my mom about not taking care of herself and then it hits me. Where are my priorities? And the realization comes, my health is Crap!!! So, I started working out again, and am trying very hard to take better care of myself. I went to this 30min cardio thing and it kicked my ass! Yes, I said ass! What of it?

So, here I sit with my soar muscles and eating an apple telling you about my bad health. Why? Because I can.

Okay, so I just received word that my mom is going into the hospital. My first thought? Here we go again. Cold? I guess, I just can't feel sorry for her. I love her, and if anything ever happened to her it would really suck, but we go through this a lot lately. So after talking to Shad, I have decided that I better get a little more concerned and be caring to her just as I would to any other friend or family member. She is my mother, and she is a creation of God.

Okay, so I just received word that my mom is going into the hospital. My first thought? Here we go again. Cold? I guess, I just can't feel sorry for her. I love her, and if anything ever happened to her it would really suck, but we go through this a lot lately. So after talking to Shad, I have decided that I better get a little more concerned and be caring to her just as I would to any other friend or family member. She is my mother, and she is a creation of God.

Help!

Okay so I sat and thought, why are we all so fake to one another? Why can't we just be who we are and not worry about what others think? We all do it, get that little voice in our heads that question everything we do. I want to grab that little thing and poke it's eyes out some days. Other days I try to focus on other, more positive things. Okay, so you are probably thinking I am crazy right? See, that is an example of what I am talking about. Who cares what you think of me, it is what God thinks that matters. If he thinks I am crazy, then I am, if you think I am, too bad.

Okay, so I am a little on the bizarre side today. I am cooped up in my house, and we can't get out because of the sun burn issue. I suppose it makes a great day for Spring Cleaning. I feel the need to create something.

Caught up in the moment
Faces all around
Blur into oblivion
Around me only sound
Images caught inside my head
unable to extract
colorful excitement
Beautiful visions
creative anticipation
longing for the ability to let it all out
How will it happen
Where and when

When for Him and no one else
it will flow like water
accept it
embrace it
For it is His will

Dude! I am so tired of being afraid of things. So, I quit!

And just like that it all goes away.

For the moment I am free of fear, and on the road to success, happiness, love ...........................
I am a master booker! Did you know that? I am, and I love it. I am working as a Senior Consultant now, and that is way cool. That means that I have a team member who I am training and who I keep in constant contact with regarding her business. I help her make decisions, and help with her questions about the business we are in. I give her ideas, and we spend time learning from one another. It feels great to be in a business that helps others to help others. It is a slow process right now, but with perseverance, and dedication, it will blossom and bloom into a very successful and profitable career. And I don't just mean profitable in money terms, I mean profitable in feeling successful, having time with my family, being able to stay home with my family while I work, tax deductions, being my own boss, getting to meet wonderful people who I learn from and who learn from me, getting to help people take better care of themselves, and helping them to be happy. So I pat myself on the back, and let go of fear so that I may continue to succeed in my Mary Kay business, and then some.

Wow, that feels good. Bring it on!

We went to the mountain today to try snow boarding. I ended up sitting with MacKenzie while she threw a fit, and watched Hailey ski for the first time in her life. She did great and then wouldn't leave. Shad did great too. Then, we all came home and realized we have red faces. Shad and Hailey have the worst burns. It was fun though.

I would do it again.

The kids are freaking out! They keep crying and being whinny and stuff. It is like they are going threw something. This not normal for them. I wonder what's up? I am missing church tonight so that the girls can get to bed early. Shad is going though, and I am very happy about that. He needs some time out and away I think.

I guess I need to go, I have a request for some music.

I have a new nephew. Well, second cousin really, but that part is a long story. His name is Jonathan Charles Porter and I haven't gotten to see him as of yet. I bet he is cute though. I will have to go visit him tomorrow.

I went to this workshop tonight and it was a lot of fun. Lots of information, and lots of laughs.

My head hurts. The eyes are starting to get heavy. sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Hello! So I went to this church tonight, well, not intentionally, but because I was waiting for someone, and well, I got bored. So anyway, I went in during the service and felt like I was in a time warp. It was like I had walked into what Apex would have been like if we had kept on chugging down the road we had started from. It was weird, and it made me laugh out loud which I think might have disturbed the people around me that were praying. It just came out. God knew what happened, so I am okay with it.

My life is changing, and it is great. I don't understand it all, but I am feeling very free these days. I am getting more and more organized, yet can't seem to keep up the schedule I set up for myself. Isn't that funny? I see love in every place I look. Weird.

We might go learn to snow board this Monday. Pray for me that I don't break something. Oh, and I am going to start painting again. How ya like me now?

Thinking about going to India this summer. It has been on my mind a lot and perhaps it is something I need to do. So far the family seems supportive, so there is just the issue of raising enough money. There is also the issue of my job which might not be able to deal with a two week absence. There is just a lot to think about still. God is in control, so I won't stress over it.

Trust your crazy ideas.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.

(don't know who these quotes belong to, but I like them.)

I just listened to this song, thought I would share.

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
and when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
Your all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day

-Sarah McLachlan

So I realized that the journey is never ending, until you come to the day that you meet The Creator face to face. And the goal is to learn to love one another. It is that simple. Love God, love yourself, love others. It is not easy, and we are tested over and over. I have also come to realize that there is nothing in my life that could cause me as much suffering as Jesus went through for us. We are blessed in more ways than we are aware. We are such simple creatures, created by God out of love, to love.

Saw the movie.

Can't say what I thought.

I cried, and then cried hard later.

It is something you will just have to see for yourself.

Chuck E. Cheese, is he a rat? We played there today, for about three hours, and it was wonderfully insane. Screaming children everywhere, concerned parents loosing their child, pizza, soda, lights and music, just a huge room of insanity. I loved it, and we had a great time.

I think I have whiplash or something. My neck hurts bad and I am now popping motrin regularly. Perhaps I should go to the doctor? Oh, but where is the fun in that? The pain reminds me of the wonderful time we had. Anyone up for a trip to the mountains to watch me fly down a mountain and try to break my neck? It was worth it.

The journey begins.

It was beautiful and peaceful. Snow gliding down silently to rest on the ground, and to see the wonder and excitement in their eyes. Sigh...........Magnificent! We traveled up the road looking for the perfect spot, and suddenly, there it was. All full of fresh powder with not even the slightest mark. And thus the true adventure began.

Wonderful laughing sounds emerged from all around me. Yes, and even from within.

Then, there was the trip down the huge hill that threw me over the jump that planted me hard against the frozen ground head first. I love sliding in the snow on a plastic saucer.

It could be said that for just a moment, I left all of my fears behind, forgot my age and size and behaved like a child. It was wonderful to live again. A trip I will never forget.

I have decided to take a break from things. God is directing me to go on a journey. Don't ask, I can't elaborate, all I know is that last night I had a very long talk with God and I'm now embarking on the journey.

I will update as I am able.

Grrrrr!

Why must I be so irritated by my mother? God love her, she gets on my nerves. I am lucky to have these moments with her, yet they are so difficult to take at times. She is so not living her life, but rather living through other peoples lives, and it hurts to see and hear. I don't spend much time with her, and it is usually on purpose. Some moments are better than others and there are times when I feel hopeful that my time with her might help her in some way. Yes, I am sick in the head, y'all know that already.

I want her to live her life and enjoy it. I want her to find someone she can love, who will love her back. I want her to know God. Is that so bad? She has suffered through so much in her life, both by choice and by circumstances beyond her control. I don't like watching her create her own unhappiness. It really sucks. Always has, always will.

On to other new. Shad took me to see Wayne Brady last night. What an awesome show! I don't think we have laughed that hard in a very long time. Mr. Brady is a very talented man, and the king of Improve in my book. Don't tell Joe.

Listening to Coldpay, feeling better, doing house cleaning, and thinking too much about my life. Perhaps I should just blog instead. But wait, Gram just called.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Okay, so that was fun. I really need to talk to her more often. She just brings so much joy into my life. No, I am not joking, she is great. She's 81, almost 82 and runs around like a crazy woman, shopping, and gambling, and playing poker.

I am sick. This sucks. So I missed out on house church last week and I can't miss this week, but if I get any worse off I will have to. I really don't like being sick because it just feels bad and then I feel like I have to complain. Who wants to hear any of that? I don't either.

Life is interesting. Why do we judge others the way we all do? That sucks too. Oh, happy birthday to Jack. That doesn't suck.

I have watched four movies in the last two days and for me, that is a lot. I feel movied out. However, I have to suck it up and save some strength for the day of love as we will be doing just what I love most. Yep, a movie after dinner. I am sure it will have blood and guts, language of the distasteful persuasion and creepy freaky elements that gross me out. It's all in the name of love though.

I prayed this week and weekend for the Citizens as they begin a new life with one more Citizen to care for. Don't get me wrong, I have no idea if the baby has decided to arrive yet, as I really don't talk to them much. (Just the occasional hello here and there) but I read Cheryl's blog and could sympathize. Toss a prayer their way, I am sure they could use it.

So, I took a nap and woke up feeling much better. I have worked out two nights in a row and now I can't sleep. So I did the dishes, went grocery shopping, and started the laundry. Now I am sitting here wondering what to do with the rest of my energy. Tomorrow is cleaning day, and I will probably have all of my stuff done before the light of day. Will I ever just be satisfied? I pray for that. So I guess I will just sit here and ramble on and on, and maybe there will be a sudden thought in my brain that will travel to my fingers so that I may type it out. Or, maybe not. I miss my friends, and hanging out. I need to put together a movie night. Hey, was that a random thought? I suppose it was. So now what? I am listening to Teddy Pendergrass. I have discovered that I just love music from the 1970's. Like, all of it. For sure. Oh, wait, that is 80's. Sorry, Totally groovy music man. Far out!


Okay, I guess I need to go do something else. I am bored with this.

Frustration

I am upset, and I don't like being this way. I get knots in my stomach, and I feel like yelling at someone, or just throwing something. One minute it is okay, then the next it is, "I changed my mind" so what can I do but feel like screaming?! Why is it such a big deal anyway. Because of my girls. It is for them, and now it is on hold once again. Why do I always feel like it has to be right now? Where are my patience? Do I have any? Some times I think I do, yet on days like today, I don't. Yes, I am complaining, but only because I can't punch the one I love. And would that help? No, but it would feel good.

Fine, I will go read or something. Or perhaps spit.

I am falling off of the diet wagon!!!!!! Someone help me!!!

Okay, so I suck at dieting. Me and millions of others. What is new? WEll, the fact that I really want to lose weight and feel better. So, now that I have confessed, and whined, I guess I will go to the gym.

Thanks Carder's for the fun!

Had the family over, and it was quick and painless. I love them, but have realized that I really can't hang with them the same way. I don't even look at them the same.

Anyway, we are almost finished with the patio.

Shad is watching a scary movie. I hate scary movies. They freak me out.

Spain, parliamentary monarchy in southwestern Europe, occupying the greater part of the Iberian Peninsula, and bounded on the north by the Bay of Biscay, France, and Andorra; on the east by the Mediterranean Sea;on the south by the Mediterranean Sea and the Atlantic Ocean.
-Encyclopedia Article Encarta


We have a lot to learn on Spain in just a little time. How fun!!! It is a home school thing we are doing. I am probably more excited than the girls. Oh well.

Sad

My very good friend's father passed away yesterday. MacKenzie overheard me tell Hailey that he died of cancer and she said "That guy better say he is sorry!" I asked "What guy?" She replied "That cancer guy, he better say he is sorry!"

Had a dream, heard violin music. Woke up with a song in my head. Don't ask me what song, couldn't tell you.

Just a thought

Why don't we all help each other? I don't mean just the friends we choose to hang with, but everyone? Why must we go around pretending to not see, or to not have the ability to help one another? We all need help, all of us, so why can't we just admit it, and admit that we have the ability to help each other and then act on it? Is our time so precious that we can't take a moment out? Isn't it God's time? And if it is, shouldn't we be using it to do God's work, not our own? I am so guilty of this, and it weighs on my heart. I see people, they need help, and I ignore, or I find an excuse, then try to find ways to justify the dumb excuses. How blessed we really are to have a father who loves us pathetic creatures.

Today was so good, and it was happy, and it still is.

You cannot hope to give to others what you have not received from God himself. One anothering begins on the inside. -Jacobson

To love another person is to see the face of God - Les Miserables

Living in God's love is the first step to one anothering.-authentic relationships

Christmas in January

We had a dinner, a Christmas dinner tonight for a place I work for. We did a gift exchange, and I have to admit, I was greedy and went for the coffee cup with the Starbucks gift card in it. Shame on me. ........... Anyone for coffee tomorrow?

Smile

The sun is shining! The air is clear (for the moment) and the birds are singing. There is a light wind in the air (God) and you are alive! You are loved. We all are.

Awareness + desire + decision + action = RESULTS

Seems like a lot of people are going through some STUFF these days. Yet, aren't we always going through STUFF every day? It seems to me that it is just how you look at the STUFF, and how you react to it, and weather or not you accept it or not, or, well, just what am I trying to say? Who knows. I look at depression differently now, probably because I medicate myself so that I don't go there. But being out of it, looking back on it, it seems that it should be possible to exercise and laugh and pray yourself out of it. But that didn't work for me, I ended up accepting the medication, embracing it with the hope that one day I will be able to look back at the STUFF and clearly see a way to deal with it better, then get off the medication and deal. At least that is my plan, yet who knows if it will work. As for now I behave like a drone, doing the same drug routine every morning, and pray that the people still having a hard time with their STUFF will somehow, in a healthy way, find peace.

Funny thing, I had this pain in the back of my head, and there was a spot that felt bruised, and so I figured that MacKenzie must have hit me in the head the other night while sleeping,(yes, she still sneaks into bed with us at night on occasion) and then this morning, it is gone. If it were a bruise, wouldn't I still feel it?

Church

My answer to the question tonight was "I wake up in the morning." But I didn't want to fully share that. That kind of sharing would result in an explanation. That is between me and God.

Dave quoted a passage, well, spoke of a passage from 2Corinth. and when I went there and read it, I was struck with the thought that I should share it with Shad. He will probably get mad, but I trust, therefore I share. :) Thanks Dave.

Floating in the air, I see the earth below. The breeze is cool and crisp and the clouds, I love the clouds, so fluffy and white. I just want to wrap my self in them and feel their softness.

OOps, slipped. Time to go.

Just a thought

I am feeling like a fool. Whenever someone I care for is not doing that well in the emotional department, I end up opening my big mouth about medicine. Why? Who knows, I am really concerned for my friends, but don't really know how to fully be there. What good can I do? I tend to try to replace their sadness with humor, but it doesn't always work. Can't God just cure their sadness? Yes, but then what would they have learned? How do I know? What good would it do for God to cure everything and heal us all? We would never need Him, and a life without Him would really suck.

Last night I decided to have two of my nieces, and one nephew stay the night. We played games, and then talked a lot about sharing. I had a great time even though I had little sleep. It is so great to see the kids all growing up and learning about God and life together. They have disagreements and then five minutes later they laugh and play, forgetting all about the spat they had. They don't hold grudges, they live, learn and love.

I heard this song, and it said something about opposites attracting, and I thought "how could we deny God, He is so good, and we are so opposite of what He is. It is only natural that we would be attracted to Him. He had to make it this way. We just make it hard to accept Him BECAUSE we are so opposite."

Okay, did that make any sense at all?

I just think these things sometimes. Right now I am thinking that I should go out and take the dog for a walk so I can get some exercise. I really need it and so does the dog. Walking is good, walking is good..........

I think I have figured out that I am right where God wants me. We all are. So, life is good.

I need help in the organize your house department. It is all starting to almost stress me out a bit. Just how do those people on TV get their homes so organized and clutterless?(Is that a word?) It must be some kind of fake thing right, I mean, who lives like that anyway? That kind of organization can't be healthy.

Time to go try to organize my two jobs. They are overtaking my bedroom!!! If you don't see me at church this weekend, I have been buried in a pile of forms and files and can't get out!
Send help!

Some how I can't seem to figure out what I want to do in life. I see so many people going after their dreams, and I can't even figure out what mine would be. Sounds silly right? Silly but true. I feel like I drift around watching everything around me, not participating, watching.

I know what you are thinking, quit your whining! Okay.

Just a quick note. I have to get into the shower. I stink, and you can probably tell right? Sorry. I worked out, and worked in. (actually work stuff and gym stuff) and I never knew we had so much laundry!!! I realized today that we are going to have to stop living so wasteful. So I am trying to get rid of some things, and come up with ideas on how to re-use things, and so on. Time to let go of some CD's.

Shad will be here soon. Time for dinner. Oops, and a quick shower. Pew!!!!

I hurt. Yes, all over. Eight hours of working on the Carder Ranch, although, my part was very small compared to most who were there. I can't even imagine how they are feeling today. The yard looks great, and I am glad to have been a part of it, even a small part. Dave is really great at designing a yard.

This hurt brings me to remember just how out of shape I am, and I feel the need to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow night is gym night. Whoo hoo! I really want to like working out, but haven't found that yet. My goal is to work out every night this week. Baby steps.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.................

So, I have this sick feeling in my gut, and no it is not from eating too much. Shad gets home tonight, and I have not finished all of the projects I wanted to finish before he got home. However, I have finished some, so that counts I guess. I also have to tell him how much money I spent this week while he was gone. He knows about some of it, but not all of it. Why do I do these things to myself?

Mary Kay is my issue this week. I have a party in two weeks, and I need orders. I need to start providing some income to the family, so pray for me. By the way, God rocks!!!

God really does everything in His own time you know. I see a lot of lessons in the making, and have learned many over the last years. It seems as though there will always be a lesson to learn. Have you learned anything today? I bet you have. You probably did and didn't even pay attention to it. I am an expert at ignoring the lessons and have even gone out of my way to try to ignore them, yet God is always right there in control as always, and re-directs me. How grateful we should be to Him for all His works in the world. Loving such pitiful people as us.

I was trying to remember my new phone number, and wrote down a number I haven't called or thought of in years. It is a number that belongs to the parents of a very close family friend.

His father is dying of cancer, and I have avoided seeing the family because of selfish reasons. I love these people dearly, and my heart grieves for them but I watched two of my uncles suffer and then die of cancer. The reality of it all still hurts too much. I long to be there for them, to have something comforting to say, but what could I say?

I heard that the family was keeping him home as per his wishes which were to die at home with his family around him. His death will be a horrible one as he will eventually bleed to death. I pray that God will make them strong so that they will be able to comfort him when this time arrives. I pray that he will find peace quickly. Prayers seem all I can offer right now.

I fear death, and yet, at other times.......I just don't understand it. Why are we so afraid to be happy with what God has provided us? Why be scared of something that brings us to Him? Perhaps to keep us from trying to take charge over a situation that belongs in God's hands. We should be living life for Him, doing His will, and not worrying about meaningless stuff. God provides us with exactly what we need. No less, no more. And here I sit questioning His will? So little faith.

I will go see them tomorrow. Give them hugs, and pray with them for peace in their hearts. God will guide me with the right words, or actions. Faith.