I just listened to this song, thought I would share.

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
and when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
Your all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day

-Sarah McLachlan

So I realized that the journey is never ending, until you come to the day that you meet The Creator face to face. And the goal is to learn to love one another. It is that simple. Love God, love yourself, love others. It is not easy, and we are tested over and over. I have also come to realize that there is nothing in my life that could cause me as much suffering as Jesus went through for us. We are blessed in more ways than we are aware. We are such simple creatures, created by God out of love, to love.

Saw the movie.

Can't say what I thought.

I cried, and then cried hard later.

It is something you will just have to see for yourself.

Chuck E. Cheese, is he a rat? We played there today, for about three hours, and it was wonderfully insane. Screaming children everywhere, concerned parents loosing their child, pizza, soda, lights and music, just a huge room of insanity. I loved it, and we had a great time.

I think I have whiplash or something. My neck hurts bad and I am now popping motrin regularly. Perhaps I should go to the doctor? Oh, but where is the fun in that? The pain reminds me of the wonderful time we had. Anyone up for a trip to the mountains to watch me fly down a mountain and try to break my neck? It was worth it.

The journey begins.

It was beautiful and peaceful. Snow gliding down silently to rest on the ground, and to see the wonder and excitement in their eyes. Sigh...........Magnificent! We traveled up the road looking for the perfect spot, and suddenly, there it was. All full of fresh powder with not even the slightest mark. And thus the true adventure began.

Wonderful laughing sounds emerged from all around me. Yes, and even from within.

Then, there was the trip down the huge hill that threw me over the jump that planted me hard against the frozen ground head first. I love sliding in the snow on a plastic saucer.

It could be said that for just a moment, I left all of my fears behind, forgot my age and size and behaved like a child. It was wonderful to live again. A trip I will never forget.

I have decided to take a break from things. God is directing me to go on a journey. Don't ask, I can't elaborate, all I know is that last night I had a very long talk with God and I'm now embarking on the journey.

I will update as I am able.

Grrrrr!

Why must I be so irritated by my mother? God love her, she gets on my nerves. I am lucky to have these moments with her, yet they are so difficult to take at times. She is so not living her life, but rather living through other peoples lives, and it hurts to see and hear. I don't spend much time with her, and it is usually on purpose. Some moments are better than others and there are times when I feel hopeful that my time with her might help her in some way. Yes, I am sick in the head, y'all know that already.

I want her to live her life and enjoy it. I want her to find someone she can love, who will love her back. I want her to know God. Is that so bad? She has suffered through so much in her life, both by choice and by circumstances beyond her control. I don't like watching her create her own unhappiness. It really sucks. Always has, always will.

On to other new. Shad took me to see Wayne Brady last night. What an awesome show! I don't think we have laughed that hard in a very long time. Mr. Brady is a very talented man, and the king of Improve in my book. Don't tell Joe.

Listening to Coldpay, feeling better, doing house cleaning, and thinking too much about my life. Perhaps I should just blog instead. But wait, Gram just called.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Okay, so that was fun. I really need to talk to her more often. She just brings so much joy into my life. No, I am not joking, she is great. She's 81, almost 82 and runs around like a crazy woman, shopping, and gambling, and playing poker.

I am sick. This sucks. So I missed out on house church last week and I can't miss this week, but if I get any worse off I will have to. I really don't like being sick because it just feels bad and then I feel like I have to complain. Who wants to hear any of that? I don't either.

Life is interesting. Why do we judge others the way we all do? That sucks too. Oh, happy birthday to Jack. That doesn't suck.

I have watched four movies in the last two days and for me, that is a lot. I feel movied out. However, I have to suck it up and save some strength for the day of love as we will be doing just what I love most. Yep, a movie after dinner. I am sure it will have blood and guts, language of the distasteful persuasion and creepy freaky elements that gross me out. It's all in the name of love though.

I prayed this week and weekend for the Citizens as they begin a new life with one more Citizen to care for. Don't get me wrong, I have no idea if the baby has decided to arrive yet, as I really don't talk to them much. (Just the occasional hello here and there) but I read Cheryl's blog and could sympathize. Toss a prayer their way, I am sure they could use it.

So, I took a nap and woke up feeling much better. I have worked out two nights in a row and now I can't sleep. So I did the dishes, went grocery shopping, and started the laundry. Now I am sitting here wondering what to do with the rest of my energy. Tomorrow is cleaning day, and I will probably have all of my stuff done before the light of day. Will I ever just be satisfied? I pray for that. So I guess I will just sit here and ramble on and on, and maybe there will be a sudden thought in my brain that will travel to my fingers so that I may type it out. Or, maybe not. I miss my friends, and hanging out. I need to put together a movie night. Hey, was that a random thought? I suppose it was. So now what? I am listening to Teddy Pendergrass. I have discovered that I just love music from the 1970's. Like, all of it. For sure. Oh, wait, that is 80's. Sorry, Totally groovy music man. Far out!


Okay, I guess I need to go do something else. I am bored with this.

Frustration

I am upset, and I don't like being this way. I get knots in my stomach, and I feel like yelling at someone, or just throwing something. One minute it is okay, then the next it is, "I changed my mind" so what can I do but feel like screaming?! Why is it such a big deal anyway. Because of my girls. It is for them, and now it is on hold once again. Why do I always feel like it has to be right now? Where are my patience? Do I have any? Some times I think I do, yet on days like today, I don't. Yes, I am complaining, but only because I can't punch the one I love. And would that help? No, but it would feel good.

Fine, I will go read or something. Or perhaps spit.

I am falling off of the diet wagon!!!!!! Someone help me!!!

Okay, so I suck at dieting. Me and millions of others. What is new? WEll, the fact that I really want to lose weight and feel better. So, now that I have confessed, and whined, I guess I will go to the gym.

Thanks Carder's for the fun!

Had the family over, and it was quick and painless. I love them, but have realized that I really can't hang with them the same way. I don't even look at them the same.

Anyway, we are almost finished with the patio.

Shad is watching a scary movie. I hate scary movies. They freak me out.

Spain, parliamentary monarchy in southwestern Europe, occupying the greater part of the Iberian Peninsula, and bounded on the north by the Bay of Biscay, France, and Andorra; on the east by the Mediterranean Sea;on the south by the Mediterranean Sea and the Atlantic Ocean.
-Encyclopedia Article Encarta


We have a lot to learn on Spain in just a little time. How fun!!! It is a home school thing we are doing. I am probably more excited than the girls. Oh well.

Sad

My very good friend's father passed away yesterday. MacKenzie overheard me tell Hailey that he died of cancer and she said "That guy better say he is sorry!" I asked "What guy?" She replied "That cancer guy, he better say he is sorry!"

Had a dream, heard violin music. Woke up with a song in my head. Don't ask me what song, couldn't tell you.

Just a thought

Why don't we all help each other? I don't mean just the friends we choose to hang with, but everyone? Why must we go around pretending to not see, or to not have the ability to help one another? We all need help, all of us, so why can't we just admit it, and admit that we have the ability to help each other and then act on it? Is our time so precious that we can't take a moment out? Isn't it God's time? And if it is, shouldn't we be using it to do God's work, not our own? I am so guilty of this, and it weighs on my heart. I see people, they need help, and I ignore, or I find an excuse, then try to find ways to justify the dumb excuses. How blessed we really are to have a father who loves us pathetic creatures.

Today was so good, and it was happy, and it still is.

You cannot hope to give to others what you have not received from God himself. One anothering begins on the inside. -Jacobson

To love another person is to see the face of God - Les Miserables

Living in God's love is the first step to one anothering.-authentic relationships

Christmas in January

We had a dinner, a Christmas dinner tonight for a place I work for. We did a gift exchange, and I have to admit, I was greedy and went for the coffee cup with the Starbucks gift card in it. Shame on me. ........... Anyone for coffee tomorrow?

Smile

The sun is shining! The air is clear (for the moment) and the birds are singing. There is a light wind in the air (God) and you are alive! You are loved. We all are.

Awareness + desire + decision + action = RESULTS

Seems like a lot of people are going through some STUFF these days. Yet, aren't we always going through STUFF every day? It seems to me that it is just how you look at the STUFF, and how you react to it, and weather or not you accept it or not, or, well, just what am I trying to say? Who knows. I look at depression differently now, probably because I medicate myself so that I don't go there. But being out of it, looking back on it, it seems that it should be possible to exercise and laugh and pray yourself out of it. But that didn't work for me, I ended up accepting the medication, embracing it with the hope that one day I will be able to look back at the STUFF and clearly see a way to deal with it better, then get off the medication and deal. At least that is my plan, yet who knows if it will work. As for now I behave like a drone, doing the same drug routine every morning, and pray that the people still having a hard time with their STUFF will somehow, in a healthy way, find peace.

Funny thing, I had this pain in the back of my head, and there was a spot that felt bruised, and so I figured that MacKenzie must have hit me in the head the other night while sleeping,(yes, she still sneaks into bed with us at night on occasion) and then this morning, it is gone. If it were a bruise, wouldn't I still feel it?

Church

My answer to the question tonight was "I wake up in the morning." But I didn't want to fully share that. That kind of sharing would result in an explanation. That is between me and God.

Dave quoted a passage, well, spoke of a passage from 2Corinth. and when I went there and read it, I was struck with the thought that I should share it with Shad. He will probably get mad, but I trust, therefore I share. :) Thanks Dave.

Floating in the air, I see the earth below. The breeze is cool and crisp and the clouds, I love the clouds, so fluffy and white. I just want to wrap my self in them and feel their softness.

OOps, slipped. Time to go.

Just a thought

I am feeling like a fool. Whenever someone I care for is not doing that well in the emotional department, I end up opening my big mouth about medicine. Why? Who knows, I am really concerned for my friends, but don't really know how to fully be there. What good can I do? I tend to try to replace their sadness with humor, but it doesn't always work. Can't God just cure their sadness? Yes, but then what would they have learned? How do I know? What good would it do for God to cure everything and heal us all? We would never need Him, and a life without Him would really suck.

Last night I decided to have two of my nieces, and one nephew stay the night. We played games, and then talked a lot about sharing. I had a great time even though I had little sleep. It is so great to see the kids all growing up and learning about God and life together. They have disagreements and then five minutes later they laugh and play, forgetting all about the spat they had. They don't hold grudges, they live, learn and love.

I heard this song, and it said something about opposites attracting, and I thought "how could we deny God, He is so good, and we are so opposite of what He is. It is only natural that we would be attracted to Him. He had to make it this way. We just make it hard to accept Him BECAUSE we are so opposite."

Okay, did that make any sense at all?

I just think these things sometimes. Right now I am thinking that I should go out and take the dog for a walk so I can get some exercise. I really need it and so does the dog. Walking is good, walking is good..........

I think I have figured out that I am right where God wants me. We all are. So, life is good.

I need help in the organize your house department. It is all starting to almost stress me out a bit. Just how do those people on TV get their homes so organized and clutterless?(Is that a word?) It must be some kind of fake thing right, I mean, who lives like that anyway? That kind of organization can't be healthy.

Time to go try to organize my two jobs. They are overtaking my bedroom!!! If you don't see me at church this weekend, I have been buried in a pile of forms and files and can't get out!
Send help!

Some how I can't seem to figure out what I want to do in life. I see so many people going after their dreams, and I can't even figure out what mine would be. Sounds silly right? Silly but true. I feel like I drift around watching everything around me, not participating, watching.

I know what you are thinking, quit your whining! Okay.

Just a quick note. I have to get into the shower. I stink, and you can probably tell right? Sorry. I worked out, and worked in. (actually work stuff and gym stuff) and I never knew we had so much laundry!!! I realized today that we are going to have to stop living so wasteful. So I am trying to get rid of some things, and come up with ideas on how to re-use things, and so on. Time to let go of some CD's.

Shad will be here soon. Time for dinner. Oops, and a quick shower. Pew!!!!

I hurt. Yes, all over. Eight hours of working on the Carder Ranch, although, my part was very small compared to most who were there. I can't even imagine how they are feeling today. The yard looks great, and I am glad to have been a part of it, even a small part. Dave is really great at designing a yard.

This hurt brings me to remember just how out of shape I am, and I feel the need to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow night is gym night. Whoo hoo! I really want to like working out, but haven't found that yet. My goal is to work out every night this week. Baby steps.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.................

So, I have this sick feeling in my gut, and no it is not from eating too much. Shad gets home tonight, and I have not finished all of the projects I wanted to finish before he got home. However, I have finished some, so that counts I guess. I also have to tell him how much money I spent this week while he was gone. He knows about some of it, but not all of it. Why do I do these things to myself?

Mary Kay is my issue this week. I have a party in two weeks, and I need orders. I need to start providing some income to the family, so pray for me. By the way, God rocks!!!

God really does everything in His own time you know. I see a lot of lessons in the making, and have learned many over the last years. It seems as though there will always be a lesson to learn. Have you learned anything today? I bet you have. You probably did and didn't even pay attention to it. I am an expert at ignoring the lessons and have even gone out of my way to try to ignore them, yet God is always right there in control as always, and re-directs me. How grateful we should be to Him for all His works in the world. Loving such pitiful people as us.

I was trying to remember my new phone number, and wrote down a number I haven't called or thought of in years. It is a number that belongs to the parents of a very close family friend.

His father is dying of cancer, and I have avoided seeing the family because of selfish reasons. I love these people dearly, and my heart grieves for them but I watched two of my uncles suffer and then die of cancer. The reality of it all still hurts too much. I long to be there for them, to have something comforting to say, but what could I say?

I heard that the family was keeping him home as per his wishes which were to die at home with his family around him. His death will be a horrible one as he will eventually bleed to death. I pray that God will make them strong so that they will be able to comfort him when this time arrives. I pray that he will find peace quickly. Prayers seem all I can offer right now.

I fear death, and yet, at other times.......I just don't understand it. Why are we so afraid to be happy with what God has provided us? Why be scared of something that brings us to Him? Perhaps to keep us from trying to take charge over a situation that belongs in God's hands. We should be living life for Him, doing His will, and not worrying about meaningless stuff. God provides us with exactly what we need. No less, no more. And here I sit questioning His will? So little faith.

I will go see them tomorrow. Give them hugs, and pray with them for peace in their hearts. God will guide me with the right words, or actions. Faith.

Happy New Year

So, yes, it is that time again. Yet this time I don't really feel as though there is anything to celebrate other than the love that God had for us and the fact that we made it through another year. I guess that is something, sorry.

I am currently listening to my husband and children fight over what to watch on the gigantic television in our very small living room. Sometimes I wonder........Never mind.

I was thinking about what it is that makes people want to go out in the freezing cold to drink themselves silly, so that they can be crammed in a huge crowd to watch the seven minute fire work show that they won't even remember the next day and that is IF they make it home. Really, what is the point in all of that. How do you know that you even had any fun if you can't remember? And where is the fun in a hang over? All of the ones I ever had back in the day sucked. So did having other people, (some you don't even know that well ) tell you the horrible details of what you did. And in today's world you have to pay for that kind of fun!!?!!! I am very glad to be home with my family.

Hope you have a safe and sober new year.

For the last week I have had to wake up at five to put drops in my eyes. This morning I woke up and watched it snow. Snow in the desert is so beautiful. A perfect day for soup and grilled sandwiches.

Pray for Shad to see God's love for him.

Church was cool tonight. We listened to Keith talk. Hailey tried all of the worship activities tonight which was amazing to watch. All of the children at church are so beautiful.

I learned that I pray wrong. Well, not that I pray wrong, but that I am a fake prayer. I pray the safe prayers, instead of the true feelings I am feeling at the moment. As if God doesn't already know what is in my head and in my heart.

Today was the greatest. I drove for coffee and could see all of the mountains clearer than ever. This has been one of my greatest gifts. (my children are higher on the gift list, right up there with my discovery of God which comes in first) At night I still have some trouble with halos, but that is getting better as well. I am amazed at what can be done to the eye today, but saddened that it is only available to those with either the money, or good credit. What a gift this would be for someone who can't afford even a pair of glasses. So many things are taken for granted by us all.

Smile

Hope you all had a great time just celebrating His day.


I received the gift of sight for Christmas. I am so grateful, and amazed. I don't think I could explain how I feel, but I have dreamed of being able to wake up in the morning to the sound of my children, and to be able to see them standing at the side of the bed, not just see a fuzzy shadow of a person. I am still healing, but can see. Words can't express.

I C

So the eye doctor was nice, and seems to know his stuff, so I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow at 10:30am. Lets hope it all goes well.

I will let you know how things turn out.

Home

We are home, yet we are not home. We moved about a week ago, and then we finally got to stay at our new house on Saturday night. Who knew we would have been so attached to heat. It is a wonderful thing God has provided us with. (The house and heat)

Today I am going to the eye doctor to get my exams done so that tomorrow I can have my eyes done. The gift of sight is a big one for me. I am a bit nervous, however, I am confident that everything will be fine. I get to see with out contacts or glasses at Christmas!!!

I am missing everyone. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday.

Tonight is the final night we stay here at the ranch. What an awesome time we have had. I love this family even more so than before.

There is still a lot of stuff to move. We will have a busy night tonight. I am glad to be going home though.

Truth

We moved on Saturday, well, sort of. We moved all of the major things that we knew we would need help with. Speaking of help, I can't say thanks enough to Dave and Ramone, and yes, Joe! I am grateful to them for all of their help.

The house is feeling like a house, although we aren't staying in it as of yet. The heat isn't on until Tuesday, so there you go. We could sleep there, but choose to continue to be spoiled and sleep with heat here at the ranch. I am finally feeling a little excited about being in our own home. I have been so comfortable here and have totally enjoyed having another adult person to talk to during the day. I will miss hanging at the ranch so much, and feel so fortunate to have spent time getting to know this family. God is so amazing with how He teaches and leads us.

Just a quick note. We start moving tomorrow and it is going to be a great day. I plan on being at the house as early as possible to finish cleaning and to as much of the left over trim as I can. Then it is just a matter of waiting on the extention ladder. Who hoo, fun!

I started reading Authentic Relationships by Wayne and Clay Jacobsen. Easy read, good book.
I recommend it to everyone.

I feel great today!!! Okay, perhaps that is stretching it a bit, but I do feel better.

We sign on the house tomorrow, then move all night tomorrow night, all day Friday, and all morning Saturday. God is good.

You know you are sick when you walk into a room and the first thing said to you is "wow, you look bad, are you feeling alright?"

Church was awesome. Tonight was one of those proud parent moments when we sat and saw our children grow right before our eyes. They were so beautiful tonight. Every single one of them. What a blessed way to celebrate Jesus.

Wow!

We just got back from the new house, which we were given a key to early so we could do some painting. The dining room is blue, well purple hyacinth actually, and it looks great. I love the color. We will use the color through out the house, and we have plans for new flooring and such, it will look great! I am excited to have a new home.


The girls got to see their rooms for the first time and they love it. What a blessed day it has been. I can't wait to get it all finished and to have the family and friends come visit. We move in next weekend, so I will be painting all week. Fun, fun, fun!

On other news, Sheba keeps finding and killing gophers in the back yard. I find them with their little heads gone. Yuck! And she stinks like horse pooh. I can't wait to get her all cleaned up. She will miss Jack, and we are going to have to bring her over once in a while to visit with him. It will be very weird to be living in our own house again, as I have gotten very comfortable here with this family. By the way, check out the front room over here, it looks so good! Way to go Amy. It is so beautiful! Oh, Dave did good too.

So I thought I was getting better, but by dinner time, I was tired, and just wanted to rest my head, and woke up a couple hours later feeling worse than I have all week. I missed house church which sucks because I really wanted to go tonight, and now it is after midnight and I can't sleep.

I am going to clean this room and disinfect everything so that I can get better. I don't like to be sick.

We sign on our house on the 12th and move in that weekend. I know we will need help moving, but we will deal.

I feel as though I have been hiding out or something with missing house church so much and not being in touch with Susie and others. Things will get normal at some point I guess. God is so good to us.

Today seems better than most. Why? Who knows, it is just my perception. I feel better for one, and that means I have a bit more energy.

Last night I had an overwhelming feeling of God's love, and felt very much at home here. Not that I haven't felt that before, I just felt it more I guess.

Today I have a list of things to do, and I don't want to do most of those things, but, such is life.

I am getting my hair done today. Maybe a little color as well? We shall see!

Church was nice tonight. I was brought to tears by the singing too. So beautiful!

We should be hearing something about the house this week. I am going to try to get in early to get the painting done. Ruby Red is the color!

So, we ruined the' chair. That really sucks. The dye just ran right out of it. Live and learn I guess.

It's down to blues and reds.

I helped Amy dye a chair tonight. It was cool. We aren't finished yet and neither one of us have any experience, but it was fun. I hope it turns out nice.

Thanksgiving was nice. I haven't called anyone from my side of the family yet, but they haven't called me either, so I guess that makes us even. I am sure they were all busy anyway.

I am excited to be getting into a new house and being able to decorate and paint again. Reds, blues, blacks and tans are all colors I am looking at. We shall see. Greens are still in the running as well. Silver and rod iron are a must. Oh what fun!!

Death Valley was so beautiful!! We had the greatest time, and saw some awesome views, etc. We took a moment to pray for everyone at six.

What is it about the mountains that are so attractive to me?

We are about to leave, just wanted to express my love and prayers to the Ohl's on this day.

My heart aches for them as do many others I am sure. I can not comprehend the emotion they have been going through, and will continue to go through. I pray for God's love to surround them as always, but even more so today. Healing will come in God's time. We will not be there tonight, but will be praying at that time where we are staying.

I hope that at 6pm, anyone who reads this will be saying a prayer as well for the Ohl family.

Church was exactly what I needed tonight. Although there was a sadness in my heart, there was the reminder of God's love for us, and a good amount of time for reflection.

Greg did a great job.

I am filled with mixed emotions about the house. Although I am thrilled to be going to a place called home again, I am sad that we will be moving out of this house. Amy and Dave and the kids have been such an inspiration to me, and have taught me many things. I need to work on being a better friend, as I tend to be very lazy, and forget like an eighty year old which causes me to be even worse at follow through than usual. I feel like even though the house hunting turned into a stressful, and frustrating thing, Amy was so there for us, and helped us find our direction. She really took much stress out of it. I don't know that there are enough words to express just how grateful we really are for all of their help. I only hope that with the time we have left here we can drop the stress, and just live and learn.

We will be going on an overnight trip to Death Valley this week. (Shad's idea) We need a day or two to just process the past events. Many prayers to pray, many things to always be thankful for.

God is so good. We found a house today, signed the papers, and should be bugging friends for help with moving in about two or three weeks.

Thanks to Amy for the free realty services.
You rock!

Still looking for a house. God will lead us.

Sounds like there are some issues with house church. That makes me sad.

My troubles are very small and meaningless today. How very unbelievable, and very heavy on the heart. Many prayers to you and your family.

Another house, another rejection. No shit.

Another rejection. I feel like I have had enough.

Leaving it to God today and just trying to get things done.

I am missing my community. I guess I should be more active in it, then perhaps I would get more from it. You only get out of life what you put in.

God has a funny way of teaching us things.

We were turned down on our offer for the house we really liked.

Back to the drawing board.

God, I give it up to you.

Being a parent is so hard sometimes. Like when one is sick and you have to sit and watch and wish you could take it all away but you can't. Or when the other one wants to do something that would probably be really fun, but you feel deep down that it wouldn't be the right thing to do, so you say no and can just feel the pain in their heart as they cry because they don't want to miss out on the fun that they know the other kids will have with out them.

My mother put "The Fear" in me as I call it. The fear of just about everything. I am trying not to pass it on to my girls, but find it hard not to. I hear all of these stories of kids being taken, raped, killed, whatever, and it breaks my heart. And to know that it could happen to anyone, even us, that just is a very scary thing. I can tell that I am going to have some major issues with letting them go as the times come. I already am. We are so blessed.

Pray for our friend Misty.
Pray for my friend, (brother) Michael and his father who is dying with cancer.
Pray for my brother's mother-in-law who is dying with cancer.
Pray for everyone who is dying with cancer.


I hate cancer.

What?

The house that we made an offer on sent us a counter offer, and then we countered their counter, and in the process we found out that what we were about to offer and buy this house for was not what it was really worth, and that was a concern which then made us realize that maybe this is not the right house.

So, We took back our counter of their counter and started all over again. We then found a house in an area that is close to where we used to live, but not that close. It was the nicest house with a big backyard, a quiet area, (we think) and well, just so perfect. It is older, but we like it, and we made an offer on it yesterday. We find out some info on Monday afternoon, and then we will go from there. If we get it, we might be in there before Christmas, otherwise it is just starting all over again. House hunting basically stinks. It was fun at first, but now...............Just stress!

So I am sitting here thinking, work sucks, and.......I quit! No, not really, I have to do this. I made a commitment until January 1, and that is that.

There is this person who is threatening to sue because I sent a bill. :b

The extra things to do that have nothing to do with my job has started already, but I stuck to my guns and didn't budge. :) Yippy for me.

We received a counter offer to our offer on the house, that I think sucks. Sucks, that's my word for the day. So now we have to figure out of we accept it or not. I think not, but how bad do we want this house. I keep seeing other houses that are just perfect and they are sold before we can even look at them. Now that really sucks.

Sucks, sucks, sucks.

God doesn't suck. He Rocks! He loves me, and he loves you too. That's cool.

House

We made an offer on a house yesterday. It isn't in the area I thought we would end up in, however, when we drove up to it, I had this feeling. A feeling of calmness, and of peace. It is a small house, but with so much potential. The neighborhood is quiet, and well taken care of. It has all the space we need. I even felt this small connection to the lady who lived there. I know, that sounds very weird, right? She is from a small island near Jamaica and she was very polite and while we wondered her home, she sat in bed reading her Bible. We probably have nothing in common, yet I just felt very comfortable around her, and felt that there was a lot of history in this house.

Anyway, we gave her a couple of days to give us an answer, so we should know something for sure by the end of this week. It is all in God's control, and what a loving God He is.

Time to think

I've had some time to think which isn't always a good thing. For me, that can be dangerous. I am feeling comfortable in my skin these days. Although yesterday I realized that I still have some old habits that I really need to work on. One of those is talking too much. Not just talking on and on, but giving way too much information. I just really don't care what people think of the things I have done in my life. It is my life, and they were things that have gotten me to where I am now. If I had it all to do over again, I would do it all the same. And why should I change who I am for anyone other than God?

Sometimes I am not certain of where I am going, (as if anyone really is) so I get a bit sad, and then I decide to do something to make a difference so that I won't focus on that anymore. Like, cut all my hair off.

So when you are married, it is hard to be yourself because you are so focused on your family. It is like you lose yourself, and then it is so hard to find yourself again. And although you just want to be yourself, it might not mesh well with your partner, so then what? Do you change who you are to better fit in the couple mold? Or do you continue to try to be who you are, not budging an inch to perhaps better fit in the mold. Being a couple is hard, almost harder than being an individual. I wasn't even an individual for that long anyway, but then here I go dishing out too much information.

Hello

We are finally going to have a weekend with no plans. It has been a wild ride, but we are finally able to take a breath and reflect on the last few weeks. I miss my friends.

Tea at Starbucks is on my agenda for the morning with a good helping of reading on the side. I want to just take time to process what has been happening, then lose myself in a book for a while. God is very much in control, and I am loving it.

The Carder's are fun to live with. I learn something new every day that I am here, and I feel very comfortable here. Even Sheba is doing good. I think she is in love with Jack. That could be a problem when it comes time to leave.

I am so thankful and grateful for all of the prayers and help we received and continue to receive. You rock!

Prayers for my friend in Arizona. You are greatly missed, and loved. Talk to you soon.

Just a quick note. We are here at the Carderland Ranch and life is good. How time has flown by and so much has changed.

God is moving us in a good direction.

more later

Okay, so I am just trying to waist some time. I am so tired of packing and cleaning and painting and ..................So I thought I would take a moment to do nothing. Not that this is nothing, it is something, but it is not moving.

Why were we so sure that we would be moving out of state? I really felt that we would, yet we are destined to stay here longer. Part of me wonders if we did something wrong, yet the other part of me knows just how stupid that sounds. We didn't do anything that we weren't supposed to do. We are not in control, it is as simple as that. Shad is so depressed. I don't like seeing him like this. I am trying to be positive, and to keep him preoccupied with other things. Sometimes being married is very hard. I think I suck at being a wife, so I am not very good at being there for him when he needs me.However, we have been through so much in our marriage and made it, we will get through this as well. It takes time, patience, understanding, respect of space, etc.........

HURL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just thought I would take a moment to throw up the crap in my head before I get started with this day's work. There is much to do yet, and I want to do as much as possible so that Shad doesn't have to. I am tired, sad, and worried, but excited. We take so much for granted, and by we I mean Shad and I. We have lived in this house for five years and I don't think I truly appreciated it until now. That is so sad. I remember now why I wanted this house in the first place, what attracted me to it. I feel lucky to have had it. My prayer is that the people who are in here after us are as blessed as we have been, and that they are good neighbors, and take care of the place. I feel as though we are about to embark on a new adventure, the true adventure. Not that the other adventure wouldn't have been good, just that it is not a reality, so this means it is not the true place we were meant to go. God is keeping us in the dark, and that is cool. Surprises are the best when they are surprises.

Thanks to all who are praying, and helping us out with the move. Thanks to Amy and Dave for being brave enough to take us in under their wing. Thank you God, for all you do in our lives. You have blessed us with such an awesome community of family and friends.

Finally an answer

Hi, for all of you who are waiting to hear what we are doing or not doing, well, there is no
reason to be leaving Las Vegas now, so the verdict is we stay. The house is still sold, we are still moving in with the Carder's, and then we are looking for a new home here. Unless something else comes up.

We prayed for an answer, and we got one. Too bad it was not the one we thought we wanted. God has another plan, so that is cool. Shad will think so too at some point, just not yet. God is so in control. Please pray for him.

I wonder if we can start another House Church in a new area where there isn't one yet. That would be very cool. Perhaps we will start a little commune of our own. What ever is in God's plan.

Fight Club

I took this test to see what movie I would best fit in, and it came up Fight Club. What's up with that?

Thanks Amy for helping me out tonight.

I am so tired. I have hardly slept this week, and the week is not over yet. We have so many things going on, so many things to do. I look at all of our stuff and wonder why we feel the desire to keep so much crap. Yet as I pack stuff, I realize that everything has a story. It reminds me of something or someone, of an event both happy or sad. Crap, who knew.

So I am off to bed to finally get a few winks before the bug inspector gets here at 8:30am.

Thanks Susie for your awesome message of encouragement. I don't think there will be coffee this Saturday.

Is it over yet?

I am taking out a moment to sit and write some of the things in my head so that I stop stressing for a minute. I am feeling good, yet it is the most bizarre feeling when selling a house. This is our first house, and we have been here five years. To think that in two weeks we will not be here anymore, ever, is just weird. Will I forget and try to drive here anyway? Will the person buying it take care of it, will they treat the neighbors good? Will they take out our cool tree in the front yard? Will they get rid of the morning glories that seem to be over taking the tree? Will Dave and Amy get sick of us and boot us to the curb?

Okay, I'll stop. Like I am ever in control anyway. I am just here for the ride. Whatever happens, I hope that the people who live here after us are just as blessed as we have been. This has been a house of healing for us. There have been a lot of good memories here and I am just grateful to have been able to live in this house, and to have had the privileged of having house church here for a year. God is so good, and we are so not worthy. The appraiser will be here at nine. Nail biting time!

Time to go to my other job out in the den.

AAAHHHH!!!!!!

So we sold the house today, well, for the most part. We accepted an offer, and so we wait to see if it goes through. In the mean time, they want in by the end of the month, so we have two weeks to get out. As if we don't have enough going on right now. So we pack. We pack fast, and start moving right away. Who knew things would move so quickly.

I just took a break from working on the billing stuff to jot a note or two. I have a computer on a coffee table, and I am sitting on the floor trying to input information. It is so very uncomfortable, and my back hurts, however, I am getting a lot of work done and making progress. I even did some packing today, and managed to go to house church to beg for packing and moving help. We will need it.

Well, I am off to finish my work day in my P.J.'s.

We had four offers on the house last night and while going over them all with our realtor, we had more people wondering through the house to see it. We don't even have a sign up yet, and we might have already sold it. How crazy is that? If the offer goes through that we accepted, we have to move by the end of this month! Help!

Guess who had about two hours sleep last night.

Table for one!

I feel as though I should be charging people at the door for coming into our house and wonder through it. We have six cards sitting on the counter of people who have shown our house and we just listed Saturday! We also have three offers already! What is God trying to tell us here, "Get out!" or what? It is all very crazy and Shad keeps changing his mind like every five minutes. I guess it could be worse and there could be no one looking at our house. I just feel like this is all going so stinking fast. On top of it all I am trying to bail out my sister-in-law at her place of business, and do home schooling at the same time as packing and everything else.

Well, if nothing else, it feels good to whine a little bit not that it will change anything. I guess I should get the laundry done. Oh but wait, there are about six people at the door wanting to see the house. I guess I better go.

Oh my!

So we listed the house yesterday, and we have had four couples here today to look at the house! It is only 2pm and we listed yesterday afternoon. God, are we doing the right thing? Definitely yes. This is a very bizarre thing for us as these people just call up, then come by and all of these strangers are walking through our house looking at all of our things. Shad is trying to watch football, so he has the TV up really loud and keeps yelling stuff at it like the team in the box can hear him. My girls are looking at all of these people and wondering what the heck is going on, yet they understand that this means they will be living with some church family really soon and are very excited. I feel a little overwhelmed by it all, but I guess this is all a good thing. God is very much in charge. Nothing to worry about.

A good day

I had a great day today. I went to the mountains with my friend and took a very nice walk on a trail that led us to a little creek bordered by pine trees. We talked about stuff, and it was great to be out of the city and in the fresh air surrounded by the beauty of the mountains and just all of God's creations. Next we finally put our house up for sale. It was a big decision, and there is still a lot to be done, but the first steps have been taken, so that feels good. Then we saw one of our nephews and celebrated his birthday with a little cake, ice cream, and some play station 2.

We ended our night with a discussion about trusting God to be in control and to stop all the "what if" stuff. Life is good and we are blessed.

Hellooooo..

Did some fun stuff today like cleaning, food shopping, and taking a siesta on the front lawn. I wonder what my neighbors think when they see me outside laying on the front lawn taking a nap. My pharmacy tech license is about to expire and I am still not sure I want to renew it. Is it a waist of $35? I have no plans to ever work in another pharmacy again, however, I forget that God is always in charge, not me.

My kids are showing some awesome interests in learning this week. That has really made me feel better about home schooling. Perhaps I am doing something right? It all started when we got out of the house and went to the mountains to explore. They have been on a learning high ever since.

Oh good, it's movie time. We are watching "The Italian Job" tonight. I'll let you know what I think. Shad picked it out.

I am so grateful for the things we have. So much so that I would love to give them all away. I am not sure what God is about to throw at us, but I am in a situation where I really need to think before I act. I was offered a part time, temporary job and I am not sure I want to get involved in the mess of it all. Of course, I have to think of our financial situation and in doing so I realize that this could be a good thing. However, I cringe at the thought of it because something doesn't seem right. Why would God provide a job right at this point in time? Like He is going to just pop His head through the wall and tell me. Perhaps I am making too much of it all. After all, I really don't know the whole story, but do I really want the stress of this job back? No, but we need the money. Do we need it that bad? Well, kind of. Do I know that I am even being offered money to do this? Not exactly, but they wouldn't expect me to just do the work for free would they? Yep. And they would because I would be dumb enough to offer my help free of charge. And just why would I charge them for all of this anyway? Because we need the money. I hate money. This is a really bad thing I am about to get into I think. I say about because I already said I would help. Why do I just jump before I look? Haven't I learned by now! This sucks! I could always change my mind, but the situation is a bit sticky. I hate sticky! I should have just pushed for the job of passing flyers. Then I could have had a good out for this situation. Should of, could of, would of. None of that matters now. I need to go spit.

Blink blink

Whoa it's early. I can hardly believe that I used to get up earlier than this. Crazy! I have two extra kids today. That is kind of cool because it puts a new twist to our day. I think we will hang outside for most of it. School's in the front yard!!


God, thank you for allowing us to be there for our friends, thank you for showing us just how truly precious our life with you is, and I pray that you continue to give us spiritual eyes to see you in everything in and around us.

Love

I just had to title it Love because I can.

I had a great day with the girls, and visiting with my friends. We went to the meadow to frolic in the woods and be one with the ants and stuff. I went to work out, but ate first, so my stomach hurts and I feel like crap. It will pass I am sure. A clean desk makes me happy. We have an appointment Saturday to talk to a realtor about the house selling stuff. Woo hoo! It is amazing how things can move right along when you make a decision. For all of you waiting on pins and needles to see if Shad is or isn't, well............................. We still don't know, but he called and they said we should know something by next Tuesday. That something could just be that they are still doing back ground stuff, so don't get all in a hurry to kick us out of here just yet. More of the "hurry up and wait" but at least it is something.

Anyone who wants to help us pack some stuff is welcome to come visit us on Friday afternoon as I will be in packing mode to get as much stuff out of the way as possible. Who knows, you might even get to take something home! Yippy!

Storm

I had a dream that I was living in a small town, and there was a meadow, and great big trees, and I was looking for something, to take pictures of I think, and all of a sudden the sky erupted in a huge storm. I kept looking in the sky to see if the clouds were going to produce a tornado, and they did. I ran to what I thought was a place to hide from the storm, but it wasn't the right place, and then I realized that there were family members in the house that didn't even know what was going on. I ran to the house to tell them, and saw lightning strike very near. I stood there fascinated for a moment by the incredible sight before me. I snapped out of it and ran inside and started screaming for everyone to get out. We all ran to a building that had a large hole in the floor that we were supposed to go down, but I didn't want to go in. It didn't feel right.

I then sat up in bed and realized that I needed to get up to go to the mountains. So, off we go.

Is this thing on?

Tonight's house church was good. It felt good to be together. I missed most of the group stuff, but that really isn't what I was talking about anyway. Just having everyone around, and hanging out. That is really my favorite part. Being community. I wish we could all hang out a lot more than we do. The kids doing their show was, in my opinion, awesome. We all gathered together to watch them perform something they totally collaborated on their own. We were like family, and that was really cool.

Things change, and God continues to grow in us. We will always be family no matter where we are.

Blink Blink

Morning time, oh happy day. I had a dream, but I can't repeat it, too much stuff to share. We are still waiting to hear the word, but going to sell anyway. There is a lot to do, but I needed to clear my head first. I listened to a Black Sabbath song last night while at the gym, and heard the real message in it for the first time. It was one of the old ones, the good ones. It sounded bad at first glance, but when I really just listened to the words, it was a powerful message. Anyhoo, lots to do today so I guess I should get started.

Shhhhh

Today was like a whirlwind, flying by tossing everything up in the air. But not a total twister, so all was well. I am trying to workout every night, and I am doing good so far. Tonight at the gym there was this little pile of guys all exercising in front of the only TV that had the football game on. They were all working out as hard as could be, and as the last play of the game was executed, they all hollered and raised their arms up in the air and quickly dispersed. It was all very comical.

The new water restrictions have started to turn our grass brown. Perhaps it is time to go with the ever popular rock look.

Quiet

There is something about being up in the morning when everyone else is asleep. The quiet of the house is very peaceful. It calms me. I had a dream that Shad got the job. Now if only we heard something in reality.

Learning

It is great to be able to learn that there is so much I still have to learn. Ummm, what? Right!

This weekend was one of the best I have had in a very long time. I was able to spend time with friends and family and most importantly, God. What more could I ask for?

Happy Birthday to me!

Today has been the best day. I spent the morning with friends hiking, and then the afternoon with family by the pool. I have lots of pictures to remind me of my day as well.

Time Out!

The kids are gone, and I am having some much needed alone time at the moment. The weather is getting cooler and it felt good to be outside today. We ( the girls and I ) sat outside in the front yard and had school, and then lunch. Later, when it was dark, we were driving across town, and the girls were playing some kind of game, and my youngest daughter said "Hey, stop the game and look outside. The city lights are so beautiful!" I just thought how cool it was that she would stop in the middle of a game to notice the lights of the city. She is only five. What five year old takes time out to smell the roses? You can learn a lot from a kid.

Dog

We are going to walk the dog today. It is starting to become an every day thing which is good for the dog. It is good for us as well because we get out of the house and exercise. But there is one thing I can't stand about walking the dog. Why do they (dogs) have to stop and smell other dog's poop and stuff? That is just so gross! Do they know they are smelling other dog's doo? That just can't be healthy.

On other news, tomorrow is my birthday trip to the mountain. I can hardly wait to get there and smell the fresh air and listen to the silence. I have so many things to thank God for.

Happiness is...

Happiness is having a friend who you haven't talked to in a long while call you out of the blue to catch up on stuff.

Okay, so I am getting a little corny, but it is true for me.

Yuck! :b

Home schooling is hard. It takes a lot of energy that I don't always have but some how we manage to get it done every day. I read how a lot of people will sometimes try to pressure you into thinking that you are doing everything wrong. I feel that this week. It makes me stronger though, so I guess that is good. I don't like being told that I am wrong, but feel that I am a lot. I guess I feel like I beat up on myself enough and don't need the help.

The air is heavy today.

Dream

Just woke up. Yes, I slept really good, and had a weird dream about having a car, but choosing to ride a skateboard across town to a small child care center where there were people I knew. Susie was there, but she was sick and was leaving. That bumped me out but I stayed and was taking care of some paperwork, and the kids were sleeping. Then this little girl busted into the room and was being chased by a little yippy dog and was scared. The girl had a balloon and the yippy dog just wanted to play with it. She didn't understand. I started to play with the dog, and then all of the kids woke up from the noise and there was total chaos in the room.

I dream all of the time and most of my dreams are very strange. This one is not so strange. The funny part was that while I was riding the skateboard, I was trying to do tricks on it. Now that is weird. And I remember now that there were people walking around looking at me like I was crazy, and I almost ran into a car that had it's door open and there was thumping music blaring from it. And there was a school that it was parked next to.

Okay, enough of this crazy stuff.

Money

I hate money, and the fact that life revolves around it. I have a business and can't run it properly without money. Or maybe I suck at my business. Probably, but it is still my business, and a way to create income. Much needed income.

I was thinking about how we are the church, and how that means that no matter where we go, we are bringing church with us, and I thought of how my mom always wants to have my cousin come to house church. Why couldn't I go there, and be the church with them. Every family has their issues, so why not be the church at all times and especially when with messed up family? But then that is it right? We need to be the church at all times, and that means always living for God and never ourselves. As if it were that easy. Perhaps it is. Have I ever tried it? No, because I am a sinner and would screw it up some how. But then, by being a sinner and screwing up, we tend to teach someone something. Sometimes that someone is just ourselves learning the lesson and that is good.

I was able to play the scales with both hands at the same time today on the piano, and I learned how to read music over the last two days. Yippy for me.

Pumpkins

We picked pumpkins and apples. I don't even know what I am going to do with them yet, but it was really fun. Maybe we will go back another day this week and pick veggies.

Ah, October!

Yes, my favorite month is finally here! And we get to start the month off with a trip to an orchard. Very cool and happy for me. I woke up with a new calmness today. God is in control, so all I have to do is be.

Sometimes I don't understand, and I guess that is how it is meant to be, because if I understood, then I wouldn't need to learn, and without learning, I am just a lump of flesh wondering around with no purpose. That is assuming that my purpose is to learn, and I am sure there might be more to it than that, but then, I am just learning about all of that. Right?