Monday, July 16, 2007

Warning!! Another very small look into my brain...

Traveling is something I love to do by car. I love it because it forces a time of quiet at some point in the journey, and with quiet comes deep thought. And thinking leads to realizations and discovery.

Well, traveling to Monterey this Saturday was one of those times where I found myself in deep thought about life and God and the future. The realization? I am an impatient person when it comes to the big things. Well, possibly all things. For instance, if Shad were to say "Lets take a month off and drive to the East Coast just to say we put our toes in the water," I would be like, "Let me just pack a few things and let's go right now!" I am becoming impulsive and crazy again.

Let me back up, I used to be impulsive and crazy. In my teens and twenties I would do wild and crazy things at the drop of a hat. No planning required, let's just do it! Do it right now! If I wanted something, well if I could, I went and got it because there was no time like the present. No fear, no regrets, and no planning. (Not always smart.)

Then something happened and I got a little lost. I still can't determine how or when it happened exactly, but when it happened I became afraid. Afraid of everything new and different. That fear lasted a very long time.

Now let's move forward. On the drive to Monterey I realized that I am getting impulsive again and the fear is not so strong anymore. But, the real realization that came to me was the reason I was like that in my teens and twenties. The thought of death. I didn't fear death, but I thought about it differently than most of the people I hung out with and I am realizing again that I am starting to remember the lessons I learned from watching the people I loved dye while growing up.

One lesson for me was that we only get so much time on this earth to do the things we are blessed with the opportunity of doing. And that we sometimes only get one opportunity to do them at all so, if you are faced with an opportunity take it.

For example:
Looking back, I can see that when faced with an unplanned pregnancy, I took the opportunity to be a mom. When faced with the opportunity to love someone despite their addiction, I did it and survived. When faced with the opportunity to forgive someone for something heartbreaking that they did to purposely hurt me, I forgave. And the list goes on.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I am some wonderful saint of a person because I am not. No one is. I've done some horrible things in my life. When given the opportunity to help my mom take care of her mom when she needed the help most, I chose not to. When faced with the opportunity to spend time with a dying family member, I chose not to. When faced with the opportunity to support my brother throughout a bitter divorce with his now ex-wife, I chose not to. The list goes on here too. In hind sight, I think these events happened when I was lost and afraid. That is something to ponder on later.

I guess the point I am getting to is that the lessons I learned in the past are all coming back to me now and I am again beginning to understand that fear is still evil and sometimes we all just have to jump in and trust that God will take it from there.

I found a cool quote on someones blog: "leap and the net will appear"

I want to live like that. I want to have that faith. No regrets, just jump in and let go. Let God be in control of the direction you fall and see where you land. Trust that he will catch you.

More later..................

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