Friday, October 17, 2008

A Bit of My Story

When I was 4 years old my dad abandoned my mom, my brother, and myself and chose to live a single life. Being that young I really didn't understand what was going on and just loved my dad and wanted him to be proud of me and to love me as much as I loved him. I also didn't understand why he would always have to leave just when he got back home from being away so long. 

Over the years it became clear that my father was never coming home but rather just visiting. It became the norm for me and I adjusted accordingly. However, as I have grown up I have had much difficulty dealing with being around him as I would instantly regress into that child who just wants to be loved by her father, and who wanted her father to stick around a little while. I came to realize that he chose to abandon me and my family. And somewhere deep down inside I felt I must have done something wrong, or must not have been deserving of a father's love.

I share this because my father is currently visiting and I found myself writing in my journal tonight, wondering just why I have been so not myself today. I realized that even after 33 years I still tend to try and regress into that child who wants to be loved by her father. Even worse, I found myself bummed that he will be leaving tomorrow night and feeling like we just don't really know each other as well as we should. 

And then I remembered that the choices he made in his life were his to make, not mine. And even though his choices affected my life in many ways, I was able to find a true Father whom loves me and has loved me all along. Well before I came into this world.

I screw up as much as the next person in life when making choices and living life but this Father never criticises me or abandons me. Instead he continues to love the imperfect me just as He always has. And this brings me a sense of relief knowing that I don't have to be perfect in order to love or be loved. 

And I just felt that I needed to share that little bit of my story tonight. 

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