AArrrrggg

So I have been having this problem with questioning my reasons for going to India, and then I just talked myself into the answer, or well, into the light. God is so good at that. I suck at follow through because I fear failure. You don't fail if you don't do, however I know that is the lie I tell myself. In reality, if you don't "live a courageous life" then you aren't even trying and then you really are failing. So, I totally get this in my head. I am trying to talk myself out of going so that I won't fail. However, I failed to realize that I would figure it out, so my plan has failed. Follow me?

Reading a book

Have you read The Five People You Meet In Heaven?

What?

Can't hear you, I have my head in the clouds. The wind has been blowing them right by me, and for some reason, I find my self lost in them. How tranquil it is to wonder around, oblivious to the signs God puts in my way. Tranquil until I fall back to reality, WHAM!!!! And find that my world has been turned up-side-down and all due to my own ignorance. Life is grand!

So, that is where I am at right now. Realizing that I have had my head in the clouds about some things, and I know now that I must deal with these demons or suffer a worse fate. All things are possible with God. Pray for me.

How weird it is to realize that someone might actually read the thoughts that spill out of my brain.

I sit here this morning wondering if I am doing the right things in my life. How do I know if I am following the right path? Faith.

I Love Shad!!!

I love my husband. He has set up my office so that I can email and blog and everything else right here. I even have a nice screen so I don't go blind!! He loves me, he really loves me!!

Okay, so enough of that crap. I have a ton of work to do, so I am out of here.

Happy Birthday Joe! (belated)

Why do I .....

Why do I open my big mouth and give my opinion about anything?

Oh well, I guess I am stuck. So, my dad called today and asked me if I had seen The Passion movie and I told him yes, and he said he didn't want to, and well, it started a conversation between the two of us about God. Something that we have never spoken of to each other before. Weird, but cool at the same time.

My dog loves Frosty Paws. I think she is addicted. We picked some up at the store the other day and every time I open the freezer, she sits and starts licking her chops while giving me that look of desperation. I love my dog. She is my fatty dog and so cute!!!

I have a party on the first of May which I am happy about because this will help me with my funds for India. There has been some support trickling in, and we are so grateful for that. My father even said he would send some funds which is funny because he totally thinks it is dumb for me to want to go there. One day he might understand. I won't lose any sleep over it.

My dog is wanting to play, so I have to go. She keeps nudging my arm with her cold wet nose. Oh, now she is pouting.

I can see.

I visited my eye doctor today for a follow up to my laser redo on my right eye. I see so good now, and what a blessing it is. I'm even having trouble driving because I want to just look at everything I could see before. I guess it is time to get the license change.

There seems to be a lot of confusion going on about church service. If church is church no matter where you have it, doesn't that mean that it is okay if some like to have it at a special place, at a special time and some don't? And what is all of the confusion about the children and classes?

I suppose I am very clueless about it all, but it seems to me that when we have children, it is our obligation and God given duty to raise them to the best of our ability to be God loving individuals. Not anyone else's job, but ours. Why is it so hard for us to accept the responsibility? It is my opinion that we have been programmed by our parents with what they were taught. So really, we continue those lessons we feel were useful to us, and change the ones we feel didn't work. We can't be judging others on they way they choose to raise their kids, we can only choose to raise ours the way we feel is best and trust that God is in charge. So what if some people don't gather in one place on the same day of every week at the same time. Perhaps they are having church in another way some place else at that moment in time. God only knows. I think we can only do what we feel led to by God and know that we are doing His will in our work and life.

But that is just my opinion and thought for the day. I could change my mind later and have another opinion tomorrow. My God given right.

And................What do I know?

Wooohoooo!

Just felt the need.

Well, today was a productive day, but I still have so much to do. I need to take in some extra work or something to make my money for my trip. God will provide the answer.

We have had a good school day so far. Both girls are whining only ever so slightly.

Well, there is just so much excitement that a person can handle, so I guess I will go.

blessings to everyone, and to all a good night. Uh, what ever.

What is there to do on a rainy day? How about painting with little ones and then P.E. with a gym full of screaming home schoolers. It was fun.

My eye feels tired. I have been feeling so good that I think I might have over done it a bit. I woke up today with my eye feeling like it was glued shut and now I am seeing a little foggy. Not like the last few days. Perhaps I just need to keep in mind that while it doesn't hurt, it is still healing. Maybe I just need a nap. Then, well, some music and then another nap.

Yes, I must nap.

God is funny sometimes. I was all upset and stressed out over things for some reason, and then I hear just what I needed to hear to understand that God is in control and I am in the right direction.

I received a call from one of my sister-in-laws and she was very supportive of our India trip. It feels good to hear that it is supported by most. I am getting more letters out tomorrow. It is on my list of priorities for tomorrow. I hope tonight wasn't the night of the Girls Party night thing because if it is, I am so missing it.

I have a ton of things to get done and I am so tired.

God is pointing to India

Well, after much prayer, I have decided to take the job of chaperone on the "Middle Schoolers Teaching and Coaching in India" trip. It will be me and Susie and seven of her students/basketball team girls on a wild ride to India and back. I am very excited and anxious to get things rolling. The first job is done. We have made our letters to send out asking for financial support. The rest is up to God. We need a total of $18,000 to get us all there. Obviously we need a ton of prayer as this is a huge goal to shoot for by mid July. If anyone is interested in finding out how to help support our efforts to give seven girls ( and two adults) a once in a life time educational chance, you can email me at smatheny1@cox.net and I will send you a copy of our letter.

In the meantime I have lots of letters to get out to family and friends to let them in on our plans. I am so excited to be able to do this, and to have the opportunity to learn about and share the culture of India.

Yoga Rocks!

Had my first yoga class today and it was wonderful. I first read a book on it because I felt that I should know more about it before I busted in on a session. It was great to hear the positioning names and know what they were talking about. I have finally found the exercise I like and possibly love to do. I am going again soon. I knew that there had to be an exercise I would like out there somewhere in the world.

Shad is doing his own thing today which is a major change from every other weekend. Kind of nice and bizarre at the same time. We usually spend our time together on the weekends doing stuff. I get to shut the television off and blast the music. Oh happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Movie night is here tonight. It should be fun. I feel the need to clean something.............................................................................................................................See ya.

My mom just had her birthday today. She is 60. Mom dresses like she is an 80 year old most of the time, so today for her birthday, I dyed her hair and put make up on her and styled her hair. I even told her that she is beautiful. For those who know me and read this, you know what a big deal that is. Then my brother and I took her to dinner.

I feel large and lazy. Oh, right, I am.

I just totally erased my last thought because I was not willing to share. How selfish of me. You will get over it I am sure. I know I did. My dog is feeling alone these days because we have not been home much. Yes, there are some guilty feelings, however, I can make it up to her by taking her on a walk tomorrow morning. She loves to drag me around the block. She is so funny when she is mad.


Life is like a large plate of pasta, you figure it out.

Spit!

Have you ever felt the need to walk out and spit? I feel like that today. Like I have a huge phlegm to just get out. Not an actual phlegm in my mouth that traveled from my nose to my throat, but like an irritation that just needs to leave.

Anyway, last night I ended up at the Canyon Ridge service again while waiting on my daughter. They said something that I never realized before. I have never put that much thought into it really, but anyway, it was that all religions are about what you DO and that Christianity is about what has been DONE. (This is something someone wrote about, can't remember who) Like you have to pray this way to be blessed, and you have to do this or that to receive blessings, but in Christianity you come to realize that Jesus already did what needed to be done for everything you have done and will do, so now it is time to love and learn to be a community of God loving people doing His will in the world. Just thought that was super interesting.

Today I will be painting a room with sky and trees and hills of grass, flowers and Power Puffs. Yes, I said Power Puffs. My daughter will sketch them on the wall and I will paint them. Under her direction of course. I am looking forward to Movie night, the house should be quit a mess. It is all in the name of love baby!

School time!

We are learning about Spain. Not because of anything that has happened lately, but because we picked Spain for our "Trip Around the World in a Day" project. I found these really great sounding recipes that I want Hailey to make, and we found this cool web site that had pictures of Pasetas all the way from 1800 to 1996. Now they use the Euro, but I think that the Pasetas were much more beautiful and detailed. Anyway, we have a few pictures getting blown up as well. All in all, for not having a clue as to what we are truly doing, I think we are doing alright. We are quickly running out of time, and I don't think we have taken enough time in studying all that we should have. But then, that is the great thing about Home Schooling so I am learning. We can take as much time as we want on a subject and bring everything into it.

The girl's beds will be here tomorrow!!!! I am so excited as this means I get to paint and decorate. Shad is certainly thrilled. Yes, that was a joke. I am going to do Hailey's room first. It will be the easiest I think. Anyone know anything about making curtains? I am sure it can't be that hard. I will have to borrow my mom's sewing machine. Although that could be dangerous. I have never used one before. How hard can it be?

I think I have finally found the right color to finish off my living room painting. Shad doesn't know it yet, but I am going to paint the rest of the living room while he is gone. He will be so happy when he gets back. Yes, that was another joke. Not the part about me painting, the other part, well, you get it.

All in His name

We went, we smelled, and we conquered. I was filled with many different emotions as we were taking garbage bag, after garbage bag out of the dim, stench filled trailer that had been called home to a beautiful six year old and her drug addicted mother. At times, I had to just bite my tongue and remember that this is God's agenda, and He is in control of the situation. It is hard to believe that this little girl is just one of millions who live this way. Luckily this girl, for now, doesn't have to live in filth anymore. But what happens now? I can't help but feel like there must be more I could do.

What happens when this mother tries to take her child to another filth hole? I know, it is not up to me to fix this, yet I long to do so. I need prayer, but this family needs it more than I do. Pray that God protects this child, and that His will is done.

Bummer

Only one person I know has volunteered to help me with my cleaning project for my family in need on Saturday, and it is a maybe at best for her. I have a feeling that I might end up being the only one to show up and help with this issue. But, that is alright because I know that this is the direction God is guiding me in. This whole experience has been such a blessing all around. I have to organize some tools I will need, and prepare for the possibility of being a loner on this one. God is so good. As for other things in my life, well, they all seem to be falling into place since I starting really just focusing on God and His path. It feels really good. I had a dream last night that I walked in to my room and Shad was kneeling down, praying.

India has been more and more on my mind these days. I am not sure I am the right one to go. I want to, but then I wonder if it is for the right reasons. I know I want to help, but then, there is this fear inside that tells me I might be trying to follow my plan and not God's. Perhaps I am to help others get to go, and that is to be my involvement only. I need to pray about this a lot more. I miss Susie. I wonder what she is doing this Saturday??? :)

Happy luck-o-the Irish to ya!!!

I am tired. The last two days of running around taking care of others has wiped me out. But it has strengthened my heart as well. It feels good to help others. To see the smile on their faces and to hear them thank God for the help. I hope that they remember that it is God, and not me, that they should be thanking. He's the one in charge.

I still don't know how I will come up with enough people to help with the clean up. I have only had one response to my email. I guess I just need to leave it in God's hands. If I end up the only one there, so be it.

God has given me the chance to do His work by helping a family in need. I talk to them about God, and right in front of my mother. :) Yes, she has been witness to all that God is providing lately. It feels good. We are actually getting closer while this is going on. Weird!!!!!

Just thought I would throw out there that I need help cleaning a trailer on Saturday, so if anyone actually reads this, and knows who I am, and would like to donate a few hours on Saturday morning to clean up a trashed trailer, call me.

Sad stuff

My mother took in a long time family friend and her grand-daughter. These people have nothing but the clothes on their backs right now. I took over what I had in the way of clothes for the little girl, but was so angry when I left. How this little girl's mother can be so, well, I am not the one to judge am I. It makes me mad though. I want to be able to fix it, but know that I can't. I am going to try to make it a point to hang out over there as much as possible so that the little girl will have kids to play with. She is so lonely and has been through so much. This is the kind of situation that makes me question God's motives. But I know that the plan is way larger than I can see. Pray for this girl. She needs it, as well as so many others out there in the world with drug addicted parents.

Wow, God rocks! So I am sitting there bitching at my mom about not taking care of herself and then it hits me. Where are my priorities? And the realization comes, my health is Crap!!! So, I started working out again, and am trying very hard to take better care of myself. I went to this 30min cardio thing and it kicked my ass! Yes, I said ass! What of it?

So, here I sit with my soar muscles and eating an apple telling you about my bad health. Why? Because I can.

Okay, so I just received word that my mom is going into the hospital. My first thought? Here we go again. Cold? I guess, I just can't feel sorry for her. I love her, and if anything ever happened to her it would really suck, but we go through this a lot lately. So after talking to Shad, I have decided that I better get a little more concerned and be caring to her just as I would to any other friend or family member. She is my mother, and she is a creation of God.

Okay, so I just received word that my mom is going into the hospital. My first thought? Here we go again. Cold? I guess, I just can't feel sorry for her. I love her, and if anything ever happened to her it would really suck, but we go through this a lot lately. So after talking to Shad, I have decided that I better get a little more concerned and be caring to her just as I would to any other friend or family member. She is my mother, and she is a creation of God.

Help!

Okay so I sat and thought, why are we all so fake to one another? Why can't we just be who we are and not worry about what others think? We all do it, get that little voice in our heads that question everything we do. I want to grab that little thing and poke it's eyes out some days. Other days I try to focus on other, more positive things. Okay, so you are probably thinking I am crazy right? See, that is an example of what I am talking about. Who cares what you think of me, it is what God thinks that matters. If he thinks I am crazy, then I am, if you think I am, too bad.

Okay, so I am a little on the bizarre side today. I am cooped up in my house, and we can't get out because of the sun burn issue. I suppose it makes a great day for Spring Cleaning. I feel the need to create something.

Caught up in the moment
Faces all around
Blur into oblivion
Around me only sound
Images caught inside my head
unable to extract
colorful excitement
Beautiful visions
creative anticipation
longing for the ability to let it all out
How will it happen
Where and when

When for Him and no one else
it will flow like water
accept it
embrace it
For it is His will

Dude! I am so tired of being afraid of things. So, I quit!

And just like that it all goes away.

For the moment I am free of fear, and on the road to success, happiness, love ...........................
I am a master booker! Did you know that? I am, and I love it. I am working as a Senior Consultant now, and that is way cool. That means that I have a team member who I am training and who I keep in constant contact with regarding her business. I help her make decisions, and help with her questions about the business we are in. I give her ideas, and we spend time learning from one another. It feels great to be in a business that helps others to help others. It is a slow process right now, but with perseverance, and dedication, it will blossom and bloom into a very successful and profitable career. And I don't just mean profitable in money terms, I mean profitable in feeling successful, having time with my family, being able to stay home with my family while I work, tax deductions, being my own boss, getting to meet wonderful people who I learn from and who learn from me, getting to help people take better care of themselves, and helping them to be happy. So I pat myself on the back, and let go of fear so that I may continue to succeed in my Mary Kay business, and then some.

Wow, that feels good. Bring it on!

We went to the mountain today to try snow boarding. I ended up sitting with MacKenzie while she threw a fit, and watched Hailey ski for the first time in her life. She did great and then wouldn't leave. Shad did great too. Then, we all came home and realized we have red faces. Shad and Hailey have the worst burns. It was fun though.

I would do it again.

The kids are freaking out! They keep crying and being whinny and stuff. It is like they are going threw something. This not normal for them. I wonder what's up? I am missing church tonight so that the girls can get to bed early. Shad is going though, and I am very happy about that. He needs some time out and away I think.

I guess I need to go, I have a request for some music.

I have a new nephew. Well, second cousin really, but that part is a long story. His name is Jonathan Charles Porter and I haven't gotten to see him as of yet. I bet he is cute though. I will have to go visit him tomorrow.

I went to this workshop tonight and it was a lot of fun. Lots of information, and lots of laughs.

My head hurts. The eyes are starting to get heavy. sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Hello! So I went to this church tonight, well, not intentionally, but because I was waiting for someone, and well, I got bored. So anyway, I went in during the service and felt like I was in a time warp. It was like I had walked into what Apex would have been like if we had kept on chugging down the road we had started from. It was weird, and it made me laugh out loud which I think might have disturbed the people around me that were praying. It just came out. God knew what happened, so I am okay with it.

My life is changing, and it is great. I don't understand it all, but I am feeling very free these days. I am getting more and more organized, yet can't seem to keep up the schedule I set up for myself. Isn't that funny? I see love in every place I look. Weird.

We might go learn to snow board this Monday. Pray for me that I don't break something. Oh, and I am going to start painting again. How ya like me now?

Thinking about going to India this summer. It has been on my mind a lot and perhaps it is something I need to do. So far the family seems supportive, so there is just the issue of raising enough money. There is also the issue of my job which might not be able to deal with a two week absence. There is just a lot to think about still. God is in control, so I won't stress over it.

Trust your crazy ideas.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.

(don't know who these quotes belong to, but I like them.)

I just listened to this song, thought I would share.

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
and when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
Your all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day

-Sarah McLachlan

So I realized that the journey is never ending, until you come to the day that you meet The Creator face to face. And the goal is to learn to love one another. It is that simple. Love God, love yourself, love others. It is not easy, and we are tested over and over. I have also come to realize that there is nothing in my life that could cause me as much suffering as Jesus went through for us. We are blessed in more ways than we are aware. We are such simple creatures, created by God out of love, to love.

Saw the movie.

Can't say what I thought.

I cried, and then cried hard later.

It is something you will just have to see for yourself.

Chuck E. Cheese, is he a rat? We played there today, for about three hours, and it was wonderfully insane. Screaming children everywhere, concerned parents loosing their child, pizza, soda, lights and music, just a huge room of insanity. I loved it, and we had a great time.

I think I have whiplash or something. My neck hurts bad and I am now popping motrin regularly. Perhaps I should go to the doctor? Oh, but where is the fun in that? The pain reminds me of the wonderful time we had. Anyone up for a trip to the mountains to watch me fly down a mountain and try to break my neck? It was worth it.

The journey begins.

It was beautiful and peaceful. Snow gliding down silently to rest on the ground, and to see the wonder and excitement in their eyes. Sigh...........Magnificent! We traveled up the road looking for the perfect spot, and suddenly, there it was. All full of fresh powder with not even the slightest mark. And thus the true adventure began.

Wonderful laughing sounds emerged from all around me. Yes, and even from within.

Then, there was the trip down the huge hill that threw me over the jump that planted me hard against the frozen ground head first. I love sliding in the snow on a plastic saucer.

It could be said that for just a moment, I left all of my fears behind, forgot my age and size and behaved like a child. It was wonderful to live again. A trip I will never forget.

I have decided to take a break from things. God is directing me to go on a journey. Don't ask, I can't elaborate, all I know is that last night I had a very long talk with God and I'm now embarking on the journey.

I will update as I am able.

Grrrrr!

Why must I be so irritated by my mother? God love her, she gets on my nerves. I am lucky to have these moments with her, yet they are so difficult to take at times. She is so not living her life, but rather living through other peoples lives, and it hurts to see and hear. I don't spend much time with her, and it is usually on purpose. Some moments are better than others and there are times when I feel hopeful that my time with her might help her in some way. Yes, I am sick in the head, y'all know that already.

I want her to live her life and enjoy it. I want her to find someone she can love, who will love her back. I want her to know God. Is that so bad? She has suffered through so much in her life, both by choice and by circumstances beyond her control. I don't like watching her create her own unhappiness. It really sucks. Always has, always will.

On to other new. Shad took me to see Wayne Brady last night. What an awesome show! I don't think we have laughed that hard in a very long time. Mr. Brady is a very talented man, and the king of Improve in my book. Don't tell Joe.

Listening to Coldpay, feeling better, doing house cleaning, and thinking too much about my life. Perhaps I should just blog instead. But wait, Gram just called.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Okay, so that was fun. I really need to talk to her more often. She just brings so much joy into my life. No, I am not joking, she is great. She's 81, almost 82 and runs around like a crazy woman, shopping, and gambling, and playing poker.

I am sick. This sucks. So I missed out on house church last week and I can't miss this week, but if I get any worse off I will have to. I really don't like being sick because it just feels bad and then I feel like I have to complain. Who wants to hear any of that? I don't either.

Life is interesting. Why do we judge others the way we all do? That sucks too. Oh, happy birthday to Jack. That doesn't suck.

I have watched four movies in the last two days and for me, that is a lot. I feel movied out. However, I have to suck it up and save some strength for the day of love as we will be doing just what I love most. Yep, a movie after dinner. I am sure it will have blood and guts, language of the distasteful persuasion and creepy freaky elements that gross me out. It's all in the name of love though.

I prayed this week and weekend for the Citizens as they begin a new life with one more Citizen to care for. Don't get me wrong, I have no idea if the baby has decided to arrive yet, as I really don't talk to them much. (Just the occasional hello here and there) but I read Cheryl's blog and could sympathize. Toss a prayer their way, I am sure they could use it.

So, I took a nap and woke up feeling much better. I have worked out two nights in a row and now I can't sleep. So I did the dishes, went grocery shopping, and started the laundry. Now I am sitting here wondering what to do with the rest of my energy. Tomorrow is cleaning day, and I will probably have all of my stuff done before the light of day. Will I ever just be satisfied? I pray for that. So I guess I will just sit here and ramble on and on, and maybe there will be a sudden thought in my brain that will travel to my fingers so that I may type it out. Or, maybe not. I miss my friends, and hanging out. I need to put together a movie night. Hey, was that a random thought? I suppose it was. So now what? I am listening to Teddy Pendergrass. I have discovered that I just love music from the 1970's. Like, all of it. For sure. Oh, wait, that is 80's. Sorry, Totally groovy music man. Far out!


Okay, I guess I need to go do something else. I am bored with this.

Frustration

I am upset, and I don't like being this way. I get knots in my stomach, and I feel like yelling at someone, or just throwing something. One minute it is okay, then the next it is, "I changed my mind" so what can I do but feel like screaming?! Why is it such a big deal anyway. Because of my girls. It is for them, and now it is on hold once again. Why do I always feel like it has to be right now? Where are my patience? Do I have any? Some times I think I do, yet on days like today, I don't. Yes, I am complaining, but only because I can't punch the one I love. And would that help? No, but it would feel good.

Fine, I will go read or something. Or perhaps spit.

I am falling off of the diet wagon!!!!!! Someone help me!!!

Okay, so I suck at dieting. Me and millions of others. What is new? WEll, the fact that I really want to lose weight and feel better. So, now that I have confessed, and whined, I guess I will go to the gym.

Thanks Carder's for the fun!

Had the family over, and it was quick and painless. I love them, but have realized that I really can't hang with them the same way. I don't even look at them the same.

Anyway, we are almost finished with the patio.

Shad is watching a scary movie. I hate scary movies. They freak me out.

Spain, parliamentary monarchy in southwestern Europe, occupying the greater part of the Iberian Peninsula, and bounded on the north by the Bay of Biscay, France, and Andorra; on the east by the Mediterranean Sea;on the south by the Mediterranean Sea and the Atlantic Ocean.
-Encyclopedia Article Encarta


We have a lot to learn on Spain in just a little time. How fun!!! It is a home school thing we are doing. I am probably more excited than the girls. Oh well.

Sad

My very good friend's father passed away yesterday. MacKenzie overheard me tell Hailey that he died of cancer and she said "That guy better say he is sorry!" I asked "What guy?" She replied "That cancer guy, he better say he is sorry!"

Had a dream, heard violin music. Woke up with a song in my head. Don't ask me what song, couldn't tell you.

Just a thought

Why don't we all help each other? I don't mean just the friends we choose to hang with, but everyone? Why must we go around pretending to not see, or to not have the ability to help one another? We all need help, all of us, so why can't we just admit it, and admit that we have the ability to help each other and then act on it? Is our time so precious that we can't take a moment out? Isn't it God's time? And if it is, shouldn't we be using it to do God's work, not our own? I am so guilty of this, and it weighs on my heart. I see people, they need help, and I ignore, or I find an excuse, then try to find ways to justify the dumb excuses. How blessed we really are to have a father who loves us pathetic creatures.

Today was so good, and it was happy, and it still is.

You cannot hope to give to others what you have not received from God himself. One anothering begins on the inside. -Jacobson

To love another person is to see the face of God - Les Miserables

Living in God's love is the first step to one anothering.-authentic relationships

Christmas in January

We had a dinner, a Christmas dinner tonight for a place I work for. We did a gift exchange, and I have to admit, I was greedy and went for the coffee cup with the Starbucks gift card in it. Shame on me. ........... Anyone for coffee tomorrow?

Smile

The sun is shining! The air is clear (for the moment) and the birds are singing. There is a light wind in the air (God) and you are alive! You are loved. We all are.

Awareness + desire + decision + action = RESULTS

Seems like a lot of people are going through some STUFF these days. Yet, aren't we always going through STUFF every day? It seems to me that it is just how you look at the STUFF, and how you react to it, and weather or not you accept it or not, or, well, just what am I trying to say? Who knows. I look at depression differently now, probably because I medicate myself so that I don't go there. But being out of it, looking back on it, it seems that it should be possible to exercise and laugh and pray yourself out of it. But that didn't work for me, I ended up accepting the medication, embracing it with the hope that one day I will be able to look back at the STUFF and clearly see a way to deal with it better, then get off the medication and deal. At least that is my plan, yet who knows if it will work. As for now I behave like a drone, doing the same drug routine every morning, and pray that the people still having a hard time with their STUFF will somehow, in a healthy way, find peace.

Funny thing, I had this pain in the back of my head, and there was a spot that felt bruised, and so I figured that MacKenzie must have hit me in the head the other night while sleeping,(yes, she still sneaks into bed with us at night on occasion) and then this morning, it is gone. If it were a bruise, wouldn't I still feel it?

Church

My answer to the question tonight was "I wake up in the morning." But I didn't want to fully share that. That kind of sharing would result in an explanation. That is between me and God.

Dave quoted a passage, well, spoke of a passage from 2Corinth. and when I went there and read it, I was struck with the thought that I should share it with Shad. He will probably get mad, but I trust, therefore I share. :) Thanks Dave.

Floating in the air, I see the earth below. The breeze is cool and crisp and the clouds, I love the clouds, so fluffy and white. I just want to wrap my self in them and feel their softness.

OOps, slipped. Time to go.

Just a thought

I am feeling like a fool. Whenever someone I care for is not doing that well in the emotional department, I end up opening my big mouth about medicine. Why? Who knows, I am really concerned for my friends, but don't really know how to fully be there. What good can I do? I tend to try to replace their sadness with humor, but it doesn't always work. Can't God just cure their sadness? Yes, but then what would they have learned? How do I know? What good would it do for God to cure everything and heal us all? We would never need Him, and a life without Him would really suck.

Last night I decided to have two of my nieces, and one nephew stay the night. We played games, and then talked a lot about sharing. I had a great time even though I had little sleep. It is so great to see the kids all growing up and learning about God and life together. They have disagreements and then five minutes later they laugh and play, forgetting all about the spat they had. They don't hold grudges, they live, learn and love.

I heard this song, and it said something about opposites attracting, and I thought "how could we deny God, He is so good, and we are so opposite of what He is. It is only natural that we would be attracted to Him. He had to make it this way. We just make it hard to accept Him BECAUSE we are so opposite."

Okay, did that make any sense at all?

I just think these things sometimes. Right now I am thinking that I should go out and take the dog for a walk so I can get some exercise. I really need it and so does the dog. Walking is good, walking is good..........

I think I have figured out that I am right where God wants me. We all are. So, life is good.

I need help in the organize your house department. It is all starting to almost stress me out a bit. Just how do those people on TV get their homes so organized and clutterless?(Is that a word?) It must be some kind of fake thing right, I mean, who lives like that anyway? That kind of organization can't be healthy.

Time to go try to organize my two jobs. They are overtaking my bedroom!!! If you don't see me at church this weekend, I have been buried in a pile of forms and files and can't get out!
Send help!

Some how I can't seem to figure out what I want to do in life. I see so many people going after their dreams, and I can't even figure out what mine would be. Sounds silly right? Silly but true. I feel like I drift around watching everything around me, not participating, watching.

I know what you are thinking, quit your whining! Okay.

Just a quick note. I have to get into the shower. I stink, and you can probably tell right? Sorry. I worked out, and worked in. (actually work stuff and gym stuff) and I never knew we had so much laundry!!! I realized today that we are going to have to stop living so wasteful. So I am trying to get rid of some things, and come up with ideas on how to re-use things, and so on. Time to let go of some CD's.

Shad will be here soon. Time for dinner. Oops, and a quick shower. Pew!!!!

I hurt. Yes, all over. Eight hours of working on the Carder Ranch, although, my part was very small compared to most who were there. I can't even imagine how they are feeling today. The yard looks great, and I am glad to have been a part of it, even a small part. Dave is really great at designing a yard.

This hurt brings me to remember just how out of shape I am, and I feel the need to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow night is gym night. Whoo hoo! I really want to like working out, but haven't found that yet. My goal is to work out every night this week. Baby steps.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.................

So, I have this sick feeling in my gut, and no it is not from eating too much. Shad gets home tonight, and I have not finished all of the projects I wanted to finish before he got home. However, I have finished some, so that counts I guess. I also have to tell him how much money I spent this week while he was gone. He knows about some of it, but not all of it. Why do I do these things to myself?

Mary Kay is my issue this week. I have a party in two weeks, and I need orders. I need to start providing some income to the family, so pray for me. By the way, God rocks!!!

God really does everything in His own time you know. I see a lot of lessons in the making, and have learned many over the last years. It seems as though there will always be a lesson to learn. Have you learned anything today? I bet you have. You probably did and didn't even pay attention to it. I am an expert at ignoring the lessons and have even gone out of my way to try to ignore them, yet God is always right there in control as always, and re-directs me. How grateful we should be to Him for all His works in the world. Loving such pitiful people as us.

I was trying to remember my new phone number, and wrote down a number I haven't called or thought of in years. It is a number that belongs to the parents of a very close family friend.

His father is dying of cancer, and I have avoided seeing the family because of selfish reasons. I love these people dearly, and my heart grieves for them but I watched two of my uncles suffer and then die of cancer. The reality of it all still hurts too much. I long to be there for them, to have something comforting to say, but what could I say?

I heard that the family was keeping him home as per his wishes which were to die at home with his family around him. His death will be a horrible one as he will eventually bleed to death. I pray that God will make them strong so that they will be able to comfort him when this time arrives. I pray that he will find peace quickly. Prayers seem all I can offer right now.

I fear death, and yet, at other times.......I just don't understand it. Why are we so afraid to be happy with what God has provided us? Why be scared of something that brings us to Him? Perhaps to keep us from trying to take charge over a situation that belongs in God's hands. We should be living life for Him, doing His will, and not worrying about meaningless stuff. God provides us with exactly what we need. No less, no more. And here I sit questioning His will? So little faith.

I will go see them tomorrow. Give them hugs, and pray with them for peace in their hearts. God will guide me with the right words, or actions. Faith.

Happy New Year

So, yes, it is that time again. Yet this time I don't really feel as though there is anything to celebrate other than the love that God had for us and the fact that we made it through another year. I guess that is something, sorry.

I am currently listening to my husband and children fight over what to watch on the gigantic television in our very small living room. Sometimes I wonder........Never mind.

I was thinking about what it is that makes people want to go out in the freezing cold to drink themselves silly, so that they can be crammed in a huge crowd to watch the seven minute fire work show that they won't even remember the next day and that is IF they make it home. Really, what is the point in all of that. How do you know that you even had any fun if you can't remember? And where is the fun in a hang over? All of the ones I ever had back in the day sucked. So did having other people, (some you don't even know that well ) tell you the horrible details of what you did. And in today's world you have to pay for that kind of fun!!?!!! I am very glad to be home with my family.

Hope you have a safe and sober new year.

For the last week I have had to wake up at five to put drops in my eyes. This morning I woke up and watched it snow. Snow in the desert is so beautiful. A perfect day for soup and grilled sandwiches.

Pray for Shad to see God's love for him.

Church was cool tonight. We listened to Keith talk. Hailey tried all of the worship activities tonight which was amazing to watch. All of the children at church are so beautiful.

I learned that I pray wrong. Well, not that I pray wrong, but that I am a fake prayer. I pray the safe prayers, instead of the true feelings I am feeling at the moment. As if God doesn't already know what is in my head and in my heart.

Today was the greatest. I drove for coffee and could see all of the mountains clearer than ever. This has been one of my greatest gifts. (my children are higher on the gift list, right up there with my discovery of God which comes in first) At night I still have some trouble with halos, but that is getting better as well. I am amazed at what can be done to the eye today, but saddened that it is only available to those with either the money, or good credit. What a gift this would be for someone who can't afford even a pair of glasses. So many things are taken for granted by us all.

Smile

Hope you all had a great time just celebrating His day.


I received the gift of sight for Christmas. I am so grateful, and amazed. I don't think I could explain how I feel, but I have dreamed of being able to wake up in the morning to the sound of my children, and to be able to see them standing at the side of the bed, not just see a fuzzy shadow of a person. I am still healing, but can see. Words can't express.

I C

So the eye doctor was nice, and seems to know his stuff, so I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow at 10:30am. Lets hope it all goes well.

I will let you know how things turn out.

Home

We are home, yet we are not home. We moved about a week ago, and then we finally got to stay at our new house on Saturday night. Who knew we would have been so attached to heat. It is a wonderful thing God has provided us with. (The house and heat)

Today I am going to the eye doctor to get my exams done so that tomorrow I can have my eyes done. The gift of sight is a big one for me. I am a bit nervous, however, I am confident that everything will be fine. I get to see with out contacts or glasses at Christmas!!!

I am missing everyone. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday.

Tonight is the final night we stay here at the ranch. What an awesome time we have had. I love this family even more so than before.

There is still a lot of stuff to move. We will have a busy night tonight. I am glad to be going home though.

Truth

We moved on Saturday, well, sort of. We moved all of the major things that we knew we would need help with. Speaking of help, I can't say thanks enough to Dave and Ramone, and yes, Joe! I am grateful to them for all of their help.

The house is feeling like a house, although we aren't staying in it as of yet. The heat isn't on until Tuesday, so there you go. We could sleep there, but choose to continue to be spoiled and sleep with heat here at the ranch. I am finally feeling a little excited about being in our own home. I have been so comfortable here and have totally enjoyed having another adult person to talk to during the day. I will miss hanging at the ranch so much, and feel so fortunate to have spent time getting to know this family. God is so amazing with how He teaches and leads us.

Just a quick note. We start moving tomorrow and it is going to be a great day. I plan on being at the house as early as possible to finish cleaning and to as much of the left over trim as I can. Then it is just a matter of waiting on the extention ladder. Who hoo, fun!

I started reading Authentic Relationships by Wayne and Clay Jacobsen. Easy read, good book.
I recommend it to everyone.

I feel great today!!! Okay, perhaps that is stretching it a bit, but I do feel better.

We sign on the house tomorrow, then move all night tomorrow night, all day Friday, and all morning Saturday. God is good.

You know you are sick when you walk into a room and the first thing said to you is "wow, you look bad, are you feeling alright?"

Church was awesome. Tonight was one of those proud parent moments when we sat and saw our children grow right before our eyes. They were so beautiful tonight. Every single one of them. What a blessed way to celebrate Jesus.

Wow!

We just got back from the new house, which we were given a key to early so we could do some painting. The dining room is blue, well purple hyacinth actually, and it looks great. I love the color. We will use the color through out the house, and we have plans for new flooring and such, it will look great! I am excited to have a new home.


The girls got to see their rooms for the first time and they love it. What a blessed day it has been. I can't wait to get it all finished and to have the family and friends come visit. We move in next weekend, so I will be painting all week. Fun, fun, fun!

On other news, Sheba keeps finding and killing gophers in the back yard. I find them with their little heads gone. Yuck! And she stinks like horse pooh. I can't wait to get her all cleaned up. She will miss Jack, and we are going to have to bring her over once in a while to visit with him. It will be very weird to be living in our own house again, as I have gotten very comfortable here with this family. By the way, check out the front room over here, it looks so good! Way to go Amy. It is so beautiful! Oh, Dave did good too.

So I thought I was getting better, but by dinner time, I was tired, and just wanted to rest my head, and woke up a couple hours later feeling worse than I have all week. I missed house church which sucks because I really wanted to go tonight, and now it is after midnight and I can't sleep.

I am going to clean this room and disinfect everything so that I can get better. I don't like to be sick.

We sign on our house on the 12th and move in that weekend. I know we will need help moving, but we will deal.

I feel as though I have been hiding out or something with missing house church so much and not being in touch with Susie and others. Things will get normal at some point I guess. God is so good to us.

Today seems better than most. Why? Who knows, it is just my perception. I feel better for one, and that means I have a bit more energy.

Last night I had an overwhelming feeling of God's love, and felt very much at home here. Not that I haven't felt that before, I just felt it more I guess.

Today I have a list of things to do, and I don't want to do most of those things, but, such is life.

I am getting my hair done today. Maybe a little color as well? We shall see!

Church was nice tonight. I was brought to tears by the singing too. So beautiful!

We should be hearing something about the house this week. I am going to try to get in early to get the painting done. Ruby Red is the color!

So, we ruined the' chair. That really sucks. The dye just ran right out of it. Live and learn I guess.

It's down to blues and reds.

I helped Amy dye a chair tonight. It was cool. We aren't finished yet and neither one of us have any experience, but it was fun. I hope it turns out nice.

Thanksgiving was nice. I haven't called anyone from my side of the family yet, but they haven't called me either, so I guess that makes us even. I am sure they were all busy anyway.

I am excited to be getting into a new house and being able to decorate and paint again. Reds, blues, blacks and tans are all colors I am looking at. We shall see. Greens are still in the running as well. Silver and rod iron are a must. Oh what fun!!

Death Valley was so beautiful!! We had the greatest time, and saw some awesome views, etc. We took a moment to pray for everyone at six.

What is it about the mountains that are so attractive to me?

We are about to leave, just wanted to express my love and prayers to the Ohl's on this day.

My heart aches for them as do many others I am sure. I can not comprehend the emotion they have been going through, and will continue to go through. I pray for God's love to surround them as always, but even more so today. Healing will come in God's time. We will not be there tonight, but will be praying at that time where we are staying.

I hope that at 6pm, anyone who reads this will be saying a prayer as well for the Ohl family.

Church was exactly what I needed tonight. Although there was a sadness in my heart, there was the reminder of God's love for us, and a good amount of time for reflection.

Greg did a great job.

I am filled with mixed emotions about the house. Although I am thrilled to be going to a place called home again, I am sad that we will be moving out of this house. Amy and Dave and the kids have been such an inspiration to me, and have taught me many things. I need to work on being a better friend, as I tend to be very lazy, and forget like an eighty year old which causes me to be even worse at follow through than usual. I feel like even though the house hunting turned into a stressful, and frustrating thing, Amy was so there for us, and helped us find our direction. She really took much stress out of it. I don't know that there are enough words to express just how grateful we really are for all of their help. I only hope that with the time we have left here we can drop the stress, and just live and learn.

We will be going on an overnight trip to Death Valley this week. (Shad's idea) We need a day or two to just process the past events. Many prayers to pray, many things to always be thankful for.

God is so good. We found a house today, signed the papers, and should be bugging friends for help with moving in about two or three weeks.

Thanks to Amy for the free realty services.
You rock!

Still looking for a house. God will lead us.

Sounds like there are some issues with house church. That makes me sad.

My troubles are very small and meaningless today. How very unbelievable, and very heavy on the heart. Many prayers to you and your family.

Another house, another rejection. No shit.

Another rejection. I feel like I have had enough.

Leaving it to God today and just trying to get things done.

I am missing my community. I guess I should be more active in it, then perhaps I would get more from it. You only get out of life what you put in.

God has a funny way of teaching us things.

We were turned down on our offer for the house we really liked.

Back to the drawing board.

God, I give it up to you.

Being a parent is so hard sometimes. Like when one is sick and you have to sit and watch and wish you could take it all away but you can't. Or when the other one wants to do something that would probably be really fun, but you feel deep down that it wouldn't be the right thing to do, so you say no and can just feel the pain in their heart as they cry because they don't want to miss out on the fun that they know the other kids will have with out them.

My mother put "The Fear" in me as I call it. The fear of just about everything. I am trying not to pass it on to my girls, but find it hard not to. I hear all of these stories of kids being taken, raped, killed, whatever, and it breaks my heart. And to know that it could happen to anyone, even us, that just is a very scary thing. I can tell that I am going to have some major issues with letting them go as the times come. I already am. We are so blessed.

Pray for our friend Misty.
Pray for my friend, (brother) Michael and his father who is dying with cancer.
Pray for my brother's mother-in-law who is dying with cancer.
Pray for everyone who is dying with cancer.


I hate cancer.

What?

The house that we made an offer on sent us a counter offer, and then we countered their counter, and in the process we found out that what we were about to offer and buy this house for was not what it was really worth, and that was a concern which then made us realize that maybe this is not the right house.

So, We took back our counter of their counter and started all over again. We then found a house in an area that is close to where we used to live, but not that close. It was the nicest house with a big backyard, a quiet area, (we think) and well, just so perfect. It is older, but we like it, and we made an offer on it yesterday. We find out some info on Monday afternoon, and then we will go from there. If we get it, we might be in there before Christmas, otherwise it is just starting all over again. House hunting basically stinks. It was fun at first, but now...............Just stress!

So I am sitting here thinking, work sucks, and.......I quit! No, not really, I have to do this. I made a commitment until January 1, and that is that.

There is this person who is threatening to sue because I sent a bill. :b

The extra things to do that have nothing to do with my job has started already, but I stuck to my guns and didn't budge. :) Yippy for me.

We received a counter offer to our offer on the house, that I think sucks. Sucks, that's my word for the day. So now we have to figure out of we accept it or not. I think not, but how bad do we want this house. I keep seeing other houses that are just perfect and they are sold before we can even look at them. Now that really sucks.

Sucks, sucks, sucks.

God doesn't suck. He Rocks! He loves me, and he loves you too. That's cool.

House

We made an offer on a house yesterday. It isn't in the area I thought we would end up in, however, when we drove up to it, I had this feeling. A feeling of calmness, and of peace. It is a small house, but with so much potential. The neighborhood is quiet, and well taken care of. It has all the space we need. I even felt this small connection to the lady who lived there. I know, that sounds very weird, right? She is from a small island near Jamaica and she was very polite and while we wondered her home, she sat in bed reading her Bible. We probably have nothing in common, yet I just felt very comfortable around her, and felt that there was a lot of history in this house.

Anyway, we gave her a couple of days to give us an answer, so we should know something for sure by the end of this week. It is all in God's control, and what a loving God He is.

Time to think

I've had some time to think which isn't always a good thing. For me, that can be dangerous. I am feeling comfortable in my skin these days. Although yesterday I realized that I still have some old habits that I really need to work on. One of those is talking too much. Not just talking on and on, but giving way too much information. I just really don't care what people think of the things I have done in my life. It is my life, and they were things that have gotten me to where I am now. If I had it all to do over again, I would do it all the same. And why should I change who I am for anyone other than God?

Sometimes I am not certain of where I am going, (as if anyone really is) so I get a bit sad, and then I decide to do something to make a difference so that I won't focus on that anymore. Like, cut all my hair off.

So when you are married, it is hard to be yourself because you are so focused on your family. It is like you lose yourself, and then it is so hard to find yourself again. And although you just want to be yourself, it might not mesh well with your partner, so then what? Do you change who you are to better fit in the couple mold? Or do you continue to try to be who you are, not budging an inch to perhaps better fit in the mold. Being a couple is hard, almost harder than being an individual. I wasn't even an individual for that long anyway, but then here I go dishing out too much information.

Hello

We are finally going to have a weekend with no plans. It has been a wild ride, but we are finally able to take a breath and reflect on the last few weeks. I miss my friends.

Tea at Starbucks is on my agenda for the morning with a good helping of reading on the side. I want to just take time to process what has been happening, then lose myself in a book for a while. God is very much in control, and I am loving it.

The Carder's are fun to live with. I learn something new every day that I am here, and I feel very comfortable here. Even Sheba is doing good. I think she is in love with Jack. That could be a problem when it comes time to leave.

I am so thankful and grateful for all of the prayers and help we received and continue to receive. You rock!

Prayers for my friend in Arizona. You are greatly missed, and loved. Talk to you soon.

Just a quick note. We are here at the Carderland Ranch and life is good. How time has flown by and so much has changed.

God is moving us in a good direction.

more later