Why does Shad torture me so!!?? All I want is to be able to use my computer to do the things I need to do. Why must he change things every other month? It is driving me insane! I know, stupid thing to care about. It is just one of those things, like when the hangers are still hanging on the towel rack in the morning. I really don't like that. Yes, I am a freak. Get over it. I did.

This weekend is going to end up busy like all of the others. No big deal really. I look forward to parts of it, like taking care of the Boyd boys for a couple of hours. They play so good, with lots of energy and laughter. They are such a blessing.

My reports were all a mess tonight, but I think I figured out what I needed to, so things can only get better from here. Yes, I do try to think positively at times. I'm holding my brothers lotto ticket for ransom, in case he wins something. So far, he won two dollars. He can't pay off my mortgage with that. But he could buy me an ice cream.

So, can you tell I am trying to avoid some responsibilities? I have about thirty butterflies to cut out, ten vases to fill, and lots of paperwork to work on. Plus I get to whip up a bunch of kabobs tomorrow for Sunday. Soooo, I think I will go color in my color book.

Funny how life is.

On other news, I am in charge of the decorations for a party next week and let me tell you, this is exciting. Oh, and expensive as well. I have managed to spend $151 on stuff, and wondered today what was going to happen to all of it. Can you recycle streamers? I also have the delightful job of putting together some kind of activity to pass the time. I thought the kids could do some kind of dance or something. Or maybe have the adults do some kind of skit. Anyway, it should be fun none the less.

So the school year is about up and my children are still doing school. That is because I can't seem to figure out when or if we should stop. I mean, don't we school our kids every day anyway? I have other things I can spend my time worrying about I guess.

I talked to my dad about India again and he is still against me going, but said he would bring a check next weekend. I thought that was funny. He is going to be here for my brother's graduation. My brother has a BA now or something. He wants to be a lawyer some day. Yes, one of my relatives wants to study law. Now that is kind of funny.

I have issues, so I guess I will go color now. I bought me a new coloring book. It is so cool. Ask me and I will show it to you. God is in charge, not you, so just go with the flow. It's all about love.

Good Morning

Just a quick thought before I start my work day.

My ten year anniversary is approaching. I feel as though we have been married for many more years than that, but only because we have been living together for about fifteen years. It is something I never thought I would do. I never thought I would be married, or would have children. I am so grateful to be where I am today. Feelings of wonder, amazement, and thankfulness fill my head and heart today.

On to other things. Work day is here, and I am oh so not looking forward to it. Only because I have lots to do. However, it will feel great to end the day with a bunch of things accomplished. Blessings to all of you.

Have a happily blessed day.

I don't like to make commitments because I suck at keeping them. However, there are a few that I have kept that I am not giving myself credit for I guess. No matter, because it still sucks when the person you love keeps reminding you of how bad you are at keeping commitments. I just suck at follow through and I have dealt with this my whole life, so I struggle with it today because I have had to teach myself how to deal with responsibility. I guess those who don't suffer from this don't understand fully. The fact that I can't remember shit causes me to suffer as well. I am getting better I guess, and there is always room for improvement. So I will continue to struggle, but God will guide me. Nothing is impossible with God.

So, now that I have fulfilled me commitment to write this blog tonight, I am off to fulfill other commitments.
Pray

Okay.............

My first day with the "New Business" pretty much sucked. I thought I would handle it one way and handled it totally another. All in all, I have made it through. However, I have a million things to do tomorrow, and I already feel anxiety about it. That is not a feeling I have had in a while. Hmmmm, perhaps the medicine is not working? Anyway, I just need to keep with the schedule as best as I can.

meanwhile, my mom is asking for money again. This means that if I take it to her, I will have to get up early and drive over there while the girls whine about always going some place. I just want to clean my house and catch up on paper work.

Pray for me.

Time for bed.

So there is no trip planned for the Bahamas, but I did color my hair. No big surprise to those who know me well. Thanks Debb, you are so awesome! You better know I am here for you always.

My days are going along and I am surviving. There has been no large catastrophe, and I have made it this far just fine with God in charge. I guess things are never as bad as we think. I made a little money for India on a party I had today. I just thank God for it all.

I was driving and listening to music and had this overwhelming feeling of happiness and peacefulness. Like even though I have all of this stuff going on, everything is still okay. My work pile is about to topple over onto the floor, so I guess I should get some of it done.

Help!

My computer is freaking out!!! I keep having pop ups and other crap. It is very frustrating and pisses me off.

So, I feel stressed. I have a lot on my plate these days and I am not getting things done in an organized manner. I can't seem to get a routine going. I am aggravated. I think I could use some help, but from who? I am stress eating all of the time, and I feel like running away. Can I just quit? Maybe go away to the beach or the mountains. Hide out like a hermit for a week or two or three.

Color my hair, change my name and move to the Bahamas.

What comes around...........

So a very long time ago, back in the 80's I broke my leg, and my mother took a whole afternoon of convincing to take me to the hospital. Finally when she did, she was told my leg was broke and we had to see an orthopedic specialist. Finally, the end result was surgery. My mother was convinced in the beginning that I was wrong about my leg being broken, and then I was made fun of the whole time.

Well, yesterday my mother broke her arm. She was convinced it was just a dislocated shoulder, but no, it was broken. Now she has to go see an orthopedic specialist, and possibly have surgery. Did I remind her of that oh so long ago time back in the 80's when I was made fun of? You better believe it!! But in a much nicer way.

Life sure is strainge. Last night I had a dream that I was with a few people who were trying to get away from this crazy guy who wanted to kill us all. We hid in a room, and I tried to keep him from getting inside, but he managed to get in. He was with a bunch of other people who were waiting for him, and he told us to stay out of site and he would let us live. He then started shooting and making a mess of the place and then left. We were so afraid of being killed. When we were finally able to leave the house, we were still worried about being seen by the others who were with him. I kept wanting to stay in a closet with the door to my back so that I knew no one was behind me. Weird!

The wind is whipping today, and I am not about to go out for anything unless it is super important. But that means the girls will have to stay in today as well. I see a very cool art project in our future. Something big and that can hang on the wall. Or we could start painting MacKenzie's room today. Or we could clean the house and organize things. Or we could watch a movie with some popcorn and soda. Or we could play games. Or we could...................................

Hi

Feeling down last night, I decided to go work out at ten. I was there for an hour and had a good workout. I will probably go again tonight. I think I have to be one of the worst friends around these days. I don't like the fact that my lack of self discipline, and ignorant nature causes friction in my relationships. I am selfish and uncaring at times, and very lazy about certain responsibilities. A very poor role model for my children these days.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.


Pray for Kristy - she is loosing her mind on drugs, and is now homeless.

I just shoveled rock for twenty minutes and now I feel like an old woman. Don't ask me to explain.

I was thinking about music. I love it. All of it. Well, most of it. It fills me with emotion and I like that.

Well, where have I gone today? Perhaps one step further, yet not all that far.

We have a new bed. We broke down and got a good one so that we won't have to keep spending money on junk every year. This one should last us a very long time. The thing is huge, but so very comfortable. Oh what things we take for granted in this life.

Wait..

Although, it isn't about what you do, it is about trust. Do I trust? Do you? It is all so confusing yet so simple. Is it? I need some time to pray things through and just let go. But then is that going to help me? Or is that a lack of trust?

Perhaps I need, no, THAT would be a lack of trust. Just accept.

AArrrrggg

So I have been having this problem with questioning my reasons for going to India, and then I just talked myself into the answer, or well, into the light. God is so good at that. I suck at follow through because I fear failure. You don't fail if you don't do, however I know that is the lie I tell myself. In reality, if you don't "live a courageous life" then you aren't even trying and then you really are failing. So, I totally get this in my head. I am trying to talk myself out of going so that I won't fail. However, I failed to realize that I would figure it out, so my plan has failed. Follow me?

Reading a book

Have you read The Five People You Meet In Heaven?

What?

Can't hear you, I have my head in the clouds. The wind has been blowing them right by me, and for some reason, I find my self lost in them. How tranquil it is to wonder around, oblivious to the signs God puts in my way. Tranquil until I fall back to reality, WHAM!!!! And find that my world has been turned up-side-down and all due to my own ignorance. Life is grand!

So, that is where I am at right now. Realizing that I have had my head in the clouds about some things, and I know now that I must deal with these demons or suffer a worse fate. All things are possible with God. Pray for me.

How weird it is to realize that someone might actually read the thoughts that spill out of my brain.

I sit here this morning wondering if I am doing the right things in my life. How do I know if I am following the right path? Faith.

I Love Shad!!!

I love my husband. He has set up my office so that I can email and blog and everything else right here. I even have a nice screen so I don't go blind!! He loves me, he really loves me!!

Okay, so enough of that crap. I have a ton of work to do, so I am out of here.

Happy Birthday Joe! (belated)

Why do I .....

Why do I open my big mouth and give my opinion about anything?

Oh well, I guess I am stuck. So, my dad called today and asked me if I had seen The Passion movie and I told him yes, and he said he didn't want to, and well, it started a conversation between the two of us about God. Something that we have never spoken of to each other before. Weird, but cool at the same time.

My dog loves Frosty Paws. I think she is addicted. We picked some up at the store the other day and every time I open the freezer, she sits and starts licking her chops while giving me that look of desperation. I love my dog. She is my fatty dog and so cute!!!

I have a party on the first of May which I am happy about because this will help me with my funds for India. There has been some support trickling in, and we are so grateful for that. My father even said he would send some funds which is funny because he totally thinks it is dumb for me to want to go there. One day he might understand. I won't lose any sleep over it.

My dog is wanting to play, so I have to go. She keeps nudging my arm with her cold wet nose. Oh, now she is pouting.

I can see.

I visited my eye doctor today for a follow up to my laser redo on my right eye. I see so good now, and what a blessing it is. I'm even having trouble driving because I want to just look at everything I could see before. I guess it is time to get the license change.

There seems to be a lot of confusion going on about church service. If church is church no matter where you have it, doesn't that mean that it is okay if some like to have it at a special place, at a special time and some don't? And what is all of the confusion about the children and classes?

I suppose I am very clueless about it all, but it seems to me that when we have children, it is our obligation and God given duty to raise them to the best of our ability to be God loving individuals. Not anyone else's job, but ours. Why is it so hard for us to accept the responsibility? It is my opinion that we have been programmed by our parents with what they were taught. So really, we continue those lessons we feel were useful to us, and change the ones we feel didn't work. We can't be judging others on they way they choose to raise their kids, we can only choose to raise ours the way we feel is best and trust that God is in charge. So what if some people don't gather in one place on the same day of every week at the same time. Perhaps they are having church in another way some place else at that moment in time. God only knows. I think we can only do what we feel led to by God and know that we are doing His will in our work and life.

But that is just my opinion and thought for the day. I could change my mind later and have another opinion tomorrow. My God given right.

And................What do I know?

Wooohoooo!

Just felt the need.

Well, today was a productive day, but I still have so much to do. I need to take in some extra work or something to make my money for my trip. God will provide the answer.

We have had a good school day so far. Both girls are whining only ever so slightly.

Well, there is just so much excitement that a person can handle, so I guess I will go.

blessings to everyone, and to all a good night. Uh, what ever.

What is there to do on a rainy day? How about painting with little ones and then P.E. with a gym full of screaming home schoolers. It was fun.

My eye feels tired. I have been feeling so good that I think I might have over done it a bit. I woke up today with my eye feeling like it was glued shut and now I am seeing a little foggy. Not like the last few days. Perhaps I just need to keep in mind that while it doesn't hurt, it is still healing. Maybe I just need a nap. Then, well, some music and then another nap.

Yes, I must nap.